Thursday, December 10, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Apparently, this is common practice up here, but in Florida, all we needed was a rabies certificate. I think this whole 'town license' business is just a way to get money, but whatever.. my point is, why didn't anyone tell us about this requirement?! Our apartment complex office knew we were moving from Florida, all of our references were in Florida so obviously that's where we've been living for years and years and since they seem to need proof of this town license, you'd think they would have told us to get one when we moved here. In January.
Then, there is the veterinary hospital, we went there in May for Brady's yearly check-up, they also knew we had just moved from Florida and that I was completely clueless about things up here (ticks and coyotes, oh my!) yet they never mentioned a town license..I just feel completely failed right now, is there anything else I should know before I accidentally walk out of my house on Zombie Day and am eaten because no one told me about Zombie Day?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
But, what I've felt deep down my entire life but never really accepted is that all of us make a difference everyday. I feel like I make the world a better place for my family, like when I found a hotel for my grandmother to stay in when my grandfather has surgery and when I joke around with my grandfather about his chemo pump and feeding tube to make this whole cancer thing seem not quite as scary as it really is. Or at work when I help someone pick out a great job interview outfit or show them how to choose clothing that makes them look their best, I like to think that helps in some small way.
I feel that this is what making a difference is really about, not donating millions of dollars to charities or whatever. It's the small things we do that inspire and encourage those around us. The end.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
All I'm saying is you best start acting appropriately or I'm having you committed! Seriously, this is not the way a 26 year olds body is supposed to behave. It's embarrassing when other people's bodies are happily ovulating on the same day and raising their temperatures and you are pumping out ewcm like it's going out of style. Stop it!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
And if someone plays the kid card, how do we know they're being honest? They could just be making up crap about their kid so they can get an extra day off. Are we supposed to assume they're trustworthy since they have a child?
And, sure, I could make up a list of excuses for not being able to switch/take someone's shift but then my guilt will bother me.. stupid conscience.
Oh, and let me share what my body has been up to lately.. I thought AF was starting on CD 42 again, which is fine, but then it was pretty heavy for 2 days and went right to really light spotting for 3, totally not normal for me.. and now I've had ewcm off and on pretty much since then. AND I keep thinking I'm getting a uti but then the feeling goes away, so annoying!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I'm trying to keep my flying anxiety in check so I don't spend the whole day on Thursday hoping I don't hurl into an air sickness bag.
I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that my grandmother still hasn't called me.
I'm trying not to picture myself visiting my sad, empty house that has been on the market since last November. I know I'll have a long cry about it when I'm there, we had so many plans and dreams for that house. The room that was supposed to be for our baby was right next to ours and I used to sit in there and plan how I would set it up, I had even picked a paint color and taped the sample chip on the wall. That house was where we were supposed to start our family, not a one bedroom apartment thousands of miles away from everyone we know.
I'm trying not to be too pathetic about the whole "thousands of miles away" thing because I know our lives take the path they were meant to take..but it doesn't make any of this less painful. I thought my life was finally going the way it was supposed to and then it totally changed.
I'm trying not to be too sad about being away from my dog and DH for six days (I was away from Dh for a month last year but at least I had my pup to keep me company!), I don't know how to function without Dh's stupid jokes and Brady's fuzzy butt getting in my way when I'm doing just about anything. But I know time apart is good for all of us.. *sigh*
I'm writing this blog instead of looking for a rental car, haha..
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Then in 2004, Hurricane Ivan hit my hometown and made it look like a war zone. I stayed with my grandparents in their very sturdy brick home and at about 2am when the hurricane was moving over us, I was convinced the house was going to blow apart. I'll never forget the look on Dh's face when he came to my grandparents house the afternoon after the storm had passed. He had driven over as soon as it was over (all the cell signals were jammed and real phone lines were destroyed) but my grandparents and I had driven across town to check on my parents so he had no idea if we were at the hospital or what..
But anyway, I really went off on a tangent today.. moral of the story is September sucks (and that is part of the reason I didn't fly home this month) and I'm bitchy. Have a nice day.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I'm in no way close to being obese or anything but I know as the years go on, my metabolism will slow and if these horrible eating habits keep up, I'll be shopping the plus size racks in no time. Now's a good time to mention that I just recently started eating some fish and chicken after being a vegetarian for 10 years. So, now I can take advantage of fast food establishments, something I used to never be able to do (except for the occasional trip to Burger King, they have a veggie burger..) and that is very very dangerous. They're just so darn convenient and tasty! Ugh.. maybe I'll go eat a peach.. and then some ice cream.. life is short, right? :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
But I digress..back to my bitchiness..
I also basically want to beat Dh up a lot, I mean, I 'love smack' him pretty frequently when he's saying something dumb but now when I go to do that, I feel all angry and just want to keep punching him. Omg.. I'm a husband beater, lol! And I've been swearing a lot more and accidentally hurting myself more (maybe because I'm doing things with more vigor and less caution but I sliced my thumb open trying to open a box today then I somehow cut the side of my hand, no idea how, then I cut my other hand on the stupid cling wrap box, oh, and I rammed my head into the roof of my car when I was getting in it yesterday too..)
I don't know if it's the TTC stress or the stuff with my grandmother (who still hasn't called me but has resumed speaking to my mother) or just life in general but I've been literally pissed off for at least a couple of weeks now. I feel like I'm about to scream pretty much all day everyday. I did yoga today and was fine doing it but the screaming urges came back as soon as I was finished.. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stay this angry forever, at the very least, it's not good for my ovulation, haha.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Work wasn't terrible though, even the person who usually annoys me didn't bother me today.. and I realized I'm getting old because I was working with a couple of our high school age kids tonight and instead of thinking "These are cool girls, I wish I could hang out with them." I thought "When I have kids, I hope they turn out like them." How weird! Luckily, I didn't say it aloud because I think that would have been even weirder..
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Oh, and I caved and took a pg test this morning.. and since I'm on my third drink, you can guess what the result was.. so now I wait for Af, I have lots of NOT pg symptoms too.. :(
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Oh, and I had a weird dream last night that Dh and I were *ahem* getting busy and I realized he was wearing a condom and I was *pissed* because instead of discussing with me the fact that he didn't want to ttc right then, he just took it upon himself to wear protection. And in real life, I have no reason to even think Dh doesn't want to ttc (he even sat and watched a whole Baby Story with me last night) so I have no idea where the dream came from.
I do remember one topic though, because the thought occurs to me every time I drive on the highway (I didn't call it the 'interstate' because I got laughed at for a good 15 minutes for saying that at work last week.. ) New Hampshire drivers in Mass. are the equivalent of Alabama drivers in Florida. Now, no offense to anyone who lives in Alabama that reads this because I'm sure you aren't like that, mainly because you're young enough to know how to turn on your computer. But, in Florida, 98% of the time that I was stuck behind a slow moving line of traffic, the problem was an Alabama driver. It was a running joke with everyone I knew because we all had the same experiences. Now, every time I'm driving and have to pass/get stuck behind someone, they have New Hampshire plates. And, seriously, WHY in the hell do you get on the highway to drive 50? Oh, and they aren't just in the right hand lane either.. they think they're allowed to drive in any lane they please, it's infuriating. And, unlike the Alabama drivers, they aren't always old and driving Buicks, most of the time they're in SUVs and talking on a cell phone. Also, I've heard that you're more likely to get into an accident if you're driving slow and a slow driver almost got me into an accident the other day. As I was trying to pass a slow mover, another car two lanes over was doing the same thing and almost ran right into me since we started switching lanes at the same time, all because some moron didn't know how to talk and press the gas pedal at the same time! I'm pissed off just thinking about it! Get in your car and DRIVE people, it's not a freakin' parade!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My grandmother called me yesterday and is all upset and overwhelmed because my grandfather has cancer and has been going through surgeries and chemo for the past few months and she's been basically completely dependent on him since they got married 55 years ago. So, now she's having to be in charge but she has no shortage of family to help (they live in my hometown). Well, a recent event makes it quite possible that my grandparents will be driving 6 hours alone to have my grandfather's feeding tube fixed since it's started to fall out. My grandfather is by no means comatose or anything and my grandmother is perfectly healthy so this is not an unreasonable thing for them to do. WELL, on the phone call, my grandmother starts out b!tching about my mom which is fine, sometimes we need to vent, but then she starts saying that they're going to have to have their 3 perfectly healthy dogs put down because they can't take them on the trip and they have no one to keep them and they're going to have to make several more trips to the cancer center before my grandfather is better. So, I started out explaining that my mom would watch them (it's the trip that she can't go on) or they could board them, etc.. but there was no talking my grandmother down, she kept going on and on and I finally was yelling at her, telling her she's ridiculous, etc, and she finally says "I didn't mean to upset you and I love you, but I won't be calling you ANYMORE."
Seriously?!? I've always been close to my grandparents and we've been through a lot together, she's going to just write me off for arguing with her one time? AND, her dogs are like her children and her first thought when it comes to what to do with them is to kill them? She's obviously off her rocker and has had a nervous breakdown once before.. But I just feel like I've seen a side of her I never knew was there and she has totally fallen off the pedestal that I had her on for so long and it hurts. Grandparents are supposed to be wise and patient and compassionate which mine were, up until yesterday.
And the dogs are fine, my grandmother loves her dogs more than anything and I don't honestly believe she would do anything to harm them. I called my mom and she also assured me that my grandfather wouldn't let my grandmother even try to have them put down.. and I called my grandmother's niece and she went to visit yesterday and my mom did as well. I just wish I was there to help too. And I feel bad for my poor grandfather who just needs to rest and instead he gets to deal with lunatic woman, ugh..So, this has been what I think is my first big 'adult' rude awakening, apparently the world's not made of lollipops and cotton candy!
(And what is keeping my parents from going with my grandparents on their trip is my stepdad's brother in law's funeral in Texas and my brother just started the new school year, so my mom has to stay home with him, good reason, right? Well, apparently, it wasn't good enough for my grandmother.. PLUS my parents have already made plans to go with them when my grandfather has his big tumor-removing surgery in a couple of months and they'll be there for at least 8 days)
Also, I found out that one of my friends from high school died yesterday, we hadn't kept in touch but it's still sad that he's not out there living his life anymore.
AND, to update my TTC status, I get a total FAIL for temping this month, I just couldn't get back into taking it around the same time and so they were all over the place and I had a temp spike (no ewcm though) and CH's for almost a week before they went away so that was really discouraging and then I had ewcm for about 3 days last week, so I'm hoping that I actually O'ed (I had an epic fail with the opks!) because I had sporadic ewcm last cycle so I think it was anovulatory. BUT, this cycle I had lots of creamy (which was weird for me) and then those 3 days of ew and then nothing since then. So, fingers crossed, AF will show in the next couple of weeks (at this point, if I get a bfp, great, but having Af and a normal cycle would be almost as awesome), I'm almost.. almost sick of this whole TTC game and am thisclose to giving up and just letting what happens happen, we can always adopt in a few years..
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Oh, and an orange.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
But now that has convinced me that I need a new bag for the fall..and just any old bag won't do. I was at the mall earlier today and found a super cute burgundy domed bag with studs for $24.99 at Filene's, I picked it up and carried it around, trying to decide if I wanted to adopt it. Well, then, a yellow nine west fold-over bag caught my eye, it was so shiny and smooth that it made the little burgundy bag look like something from Wal-mart so I put that one back and modeled the yellow bag for a few minutes (and it was only $39.99!). By this point, Dh had made his purchase and was ready to leave and so I put the yellow bag back and decided to think about it while we did the rest of our shopping. While I was wandering about the mall, something crazy happened.. I walked right into the Coach store! I never go in there mainly because I'm not a huge Coach fan (I'm more of a Dooney & Bourke girl) but their bags were so shiny and tempting, they sucked me right in and I immediately found a super cute little green bag (and it was only $198! Cheap by Coach standards!) I modeled it around and tried to ignore the salesgirls encouragement.. and I managed to put it back and leave to find Dh, only problem was now the cute nine west bag looked like a Wal-mart special.. so I left without any new bags.
After I got home, I realized I've been using the same Dooney bag (off and on, obviously..) for at least 3 years and I brought this to Dh's attention and he, being the savvy financial professional that he is, pointed out that a bag could be an investment, either I could get 6 cheap ones or one really nice one. (And my love for him overflowed at that moment.. lol) So, I started looking at Dooney bags online and one nice one led to another which led to another..and now I'm looking at spending around 450 dollars on a bag which I know is ridiculous and I have to stop myself..but it's so pretty and awesome.. look:
Thursday, August 6, 2009
BUT (and please excuse my hyperactive use of caps, parentheses, and exclamation points, I have tons of energy right now for no good reason at all), getting AF on my own this past cycle has helped to pull me out of my funk and I've been terrible at charting this cycle (shouldn't have taken that week of AF off..), all of my days except one have open circles but I'm so not stressed about it, I have tons of opks to use once I start seeing ewcm anyway (and I *will* see it, I have faith!)
In the meantime, I'm finding exciting things to do for myself.. first up on the agenda: taking a trapeze class or at least going for one swing on it to see if I'm up for a whole routine. Dh and I saw one at a place one weekend and I flipped out but had just eaten and didn't want to show everyone what I had so I didn't try it. But the other day I remembered it and thought "Why the hell not, I'm off this weekend, I'm going back to do it!!" And I may not make it there this weekend..but I will make it there..oh yes I will... and I will probably fall flat on my face..haha.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Right now, for instance, I'm sad that I'm not in Florida so I can help my grandparents but I'm happy that I don't have to see my grandfather hooked up to feeding tubes and chemo pumps. I want to go home for a visit in the next couple of months but I keep putting off buying my plane ticket or setting a date which makes me feel like maybe subconsciously I don't want to go. In the past, my tardiness to something has been a good indication of my dislike for whatever it is I'm going to, I don't show up late on purpose, it just seems to happen. So, maybe this procrastination with plane ticket buying directly relates to my tardiness..I don't know, I'm too tired to think anymore.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Anyway, I could go on and on but I have to sleep soon. SO, my not pregnant signs were really NOT pregnant signs.. AF showed up a few days ago and I'm so happy that I can hold off on taking the bcp for another cycle, hopefully this next cycle will be normal! No, not normal..hopefully this next cycle will end in a BFP!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
And it doesn't help that I once again have crosshairs on my chart (although I still think it's possible that I o'ed right around the time I was sick and just didn't catch it since I missed a couple of temps).. and I've been having weird things going on with my body and the logical part of me knows they aren't pregnancy signs but the whacked out baby crazy part of me thinks it's possible. Google doesn't help either, apparently ANYTHING could be a sign of pregnancy! So, to help me debunk the almighty google...
Here's my list of NOT pregnant signs that I've been having lately:
1. Back pain: could be pregnancy, could be all the standing I've been doing for work
2. Sharp twinges (kind of cramps) on both sides of body: probably random cramps that mean nothing
3. Leg cramps: (I never get these but one made me leap out of bed in the middle of the night last night, then I had a good laugh thinking about how crazy I probably looked!) Also, had leg cramping tonight. Probably a fluke or I didn't have enough potassium for whatever reason, ate a banana tonight and cramps went away. Although I did have a banana last night before my leaping out of bed like an idiot episode. Probably still just a fluke.
4. Metallic taste in my mouth last night and tonight: Google said it could be pregnancy or gingivitis.. probably gingivitis.
5. More tired than usual at night: Probably just from working.
6. Lots of weird dreams: REALLY weird dreams last night (which was listed as a sign of pregnancy on one site I went on, haha). They're probably just a symptom of my impending insanity though..
Those are all of the not pregnant signs I can think of right now although I'm sure as soon as I finish this, I'll pee and it will look funny and I will think it's a pregnancy sign and then I'll trip and think it could mean I'm pregnant... I'm so sick of the word pregnant now, ugh!
Friday, July 17, 2009
And I'm feeling a whole lot of discouragement about the ttc thing. My random 6 days of spotting turned out be neither ovulation related nor implantation related as my temp dropped and I have now had two days of ewcm, all excitement that came with the first day of having it has dissipated. (My chart is here if you care to look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/26f39d) Now I just feel like my body is screwing with me.. I finally sucked it up and had sex last night for the first time since my uti, I think I felt safer since I started taking cranberry supplements yesterday. So, I'd like to be excited and think that it might be O-time soon and I possibly had sex at a very good time but I'm sure it's just nothing, like it always is. I'll give it another few days and then I'll probably start the birth control pills..
I couldn't even bear to watch A Baby Story today and you know I'm feeling pretty crappy if I can't watch that!
These past few days I've just felt like all my worries are weighing me down (usually I'm good at hiding them from myself so they don't bother me constantly), I've been really bummed about my grandpa and about our house and my whacked out body and I just can't seem to shake them. I'm sure this is a passing phase, and hopefully soon I'll feel motivated and positive again, like I usually do..
Friday, July 10, 2009
And now some much-needed venting about *my* body..
My temp has been up for the past two days and I don't know if it's because of my antibiotics, I hope not.
AND I started spotting today, so is it ovulation spotting? Not likely since I haven't had ewcm in a few days and my temp is already up. Could it be implantation..? I'm sure it's not cause that's just not my luck but I hate knowing that it could be that. And no matter how many times I tell myself not to get my hopes up, myself still does, I think it needs to be grounded for all of this rebelling it's doing lately.
This is all I could think about today while I tried to focus on getting our store set up, ugh!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
9am: Doctors appointment to get blood work/ultrasound results, office is running behind, lots of pregnant people (and teens!) in waiting room, luckily I'm too nauseous from my antibiotics to care.
9:45am: Finally get to talk to doctor, results are all normal, she says it may be too early to try clomid and I agree, she suggests putting me on bcps for 3 months to give my system a break, I hold back the tears only until I get out of the office and call Dh.. then I lose it, taking a random 3 month break from ttc was NOT in the plan!
10:00am: Rush to new job location to finish training with other members of management
11:00am-5:00pm: Training with associates, getting to know everyone's personalities, I think we'll all get along great. I am so totally distracted by ttc thoughts that I can't be excited about this new venture.
6:00pm: In horrible mood and can't get out of it, doesn't help that my head is killing me, I snap at Dh more than once and then when I apologize, I burst into tears.
10:00pm: Decide to hold off on starting bcps until I see if this cycle is normal which will be in another couple of weeks, feel 10 times better.
11:30pm: Finally go to bed.
And today, I felt a lot better, the only people at work today were the new managers and some people from corporate so we had a lot of fun and I felt excited about the store as I should, I've always wanted to help with a store opening but it never panned out in my last job. I had tons of energy when I got home (it helped that I had more caffeine today than I've had all week, between the uti and the nausea, I haven't felt like downing my two cups of coffee, and today I only had 1/2 of one and a bottled frappuccino and I was running around like a crazy person) and I made Dh do laundry and I got to do a few of the cleaning things I wanted done before MIL comes to visit. So, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed overall.. and now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed, goodnight internet world!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
ANYWAY.. I miss my house, I have since we moved here.. Dh and I cried when we drove away from it, we had so many plans for that place. Occasionally (like tonight) I come across pics of it and I long to be there again. And if I'm not longing to be there, I'm thinking about it at least once every single day (and we've lived here for 6 months now). When I had my giant dramatic meltdown a couple of weeks ago, Dh offered to start looking into moving back if I'm so miserable here. But I'm not miserable and I think this is important, for us to be completely on our own. And somedays it blows my mind to think about how far away we've moved and I think this was a great idea. But, when we bought the house a year ago, I thought *that* was a great idea. It was in an (what we thought) up and coming neighborhood, it was near the beach, it was close to tons of stuff and we thought we got a great price and could start our family there and then move on once we outgrew it, and the market would be up by then and we'd get good money for it and go buy a nicer place. It was going to be the jumping off point of our awesome life. And then a few months later everything changed and now we're back in a rented apartment (that's really nice but it's still just an apartment) and in no position to buy another house any time soon. Yet we're still chugging along on the baby train and I guess I just feel unstable now. And honestly, I was dying to move away from my hometown for basically my entire life and caught a glimpse of how exciting things could be when I went away to college. But, after buying the house I had accepted the fact that I was choosing to stay there and was ready to start our family and glad to be doing it so close to all of our family. And it's not like we were forced to move, it was a mutual decision, but everyday I randomly get a flash of us moving back into our house and realize that it would make me SO happy. But, then I think I'm not giving this place enough time, I mean, I lived in Florida for 25 years, surely 6 months isn't enough time to adjust to living in a completely different place..
And I miss the winter, at least the snow was something that distracted me from my pity party..
He has told me more than a thousand times over that I am his reason for being -- by the way he rests against my leg, by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile, by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me).
When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.
When I am angry he clowns to make me smile.
When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.
When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another person. With him, I am all powerful.
He has taught me the meaning of devotion is loyalty itself. With him, I know the secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.
He has promised to wait for me ... whenever ... wherever ... in case I need him, and I expect I will, as I always have.
Who is he? -- He's just MY DOG!
- Author Unknown
Aw, doesn't that warm your heart?
And my little doggy sniffed me out tonight, he had already gone to bed with Dh and I grabbed some cantaloupe out of the fridge (did it while the air was on so it would hopefully drown out the noise) and started snacking away when I heard a scratch at the bedroom door, he must have smelled it or something cause he was demanding to come out! I opened the door and hid my cantaloupe and he went charging right to the desk, where the open cantaloupe container was sitting and then he proceeded to stare me down until I gave him a piece, haha.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
For some reason on my way home, I started pondering the fact that I've gained probably close to 10 pounds since I moved here, I could be exaggerating because I don't own a scale and the person at the doctors office did my weight so fast, I failed to see what number she stopped on. So, it more realistically could be around 5 pounds since I have still been able to fit into my clothes, although they are tighter but luckily most of my pants have stretch and I was in a loose fitting shirt phase last year. BUT, I realized that I'm okay with the excess weight on my body, I could easily buckle down and lose it but I've chosen not to. (I eat healthy things, I guess I've just been eating more not as healthy things since I've been home a lot..) My boobs are bigger and that alone has been reason enough not to cut out my too-frequent ice cream habit. Sure, I don't prance around in a bikini like I once did but I don't think I'm missing out on anything by not lounging by the apartment pool. It is a very nice pool though and I have been working on finding a flattering swimsuit so that I may lay by it if I so choose. And if I don't, I won't feel short-changed because today I came home, put on my shortest pair of pajama shorts and enjoyed the fact that 10 pounds heavier or not, my husband would still be excited to see me in them. Then I had pizza for dinner and made chocolate chip cookies for dessert and didn't feel guilty one bit. ;)
Friday, June 19, 2009
OH, and my GPS lost it's mind today. I pretty much knew where I was going but wanted the GPS on anyway cause I was driving on the interstate where I tend to space out and miss my exits. The stupid thing kept telling me to take a right here, a left there, make a U-turn while intermittently going "calculating..." I seriously thought it was going to explode! I'm thinking maybe it was the crappy weather screwing with it's satellite signal, hopefully, I *need* my GPS, especially here where the roads are nuts and you can't get back to where you came from by going the way you came. (Route 1, who's the genius that decided to put a giant guard rail down the middle of the entire stupid thing?) And what's with all the freakin' rotaries?!?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
In other news, I have always hated snoring, this stems from vacations with family members who snore and keep me up when we're sharing hotel rooms. Seriously people, snoring like that is a medical issue, see someone! BUT, my little doggy snores like an old man and I think it's the cutest thing ever. Moral of this story: if you're fuzzy and have a cute face, you may snore. If not, get some help or you risk waking up to me smothering you with a freakin' pillow!
Also today on My Amazing Life: I went to have blood taken for thyroid testing and various other hormones related to why the crap my body is not being pregnant. And I was a big girl..and didn't cry and didn't make Dh come hold my hand like I did last year (but I was *really* sick then and exhausted from all the sickness!) I did text him after requesting a prize but he didn't deliver.. that's okay, he got told and I suspect there will be a prize the next time that I request one!
And then I got home and called my grandpa, who just had a feeding tube put in before he starts chemo..I was very apprehensive because I heard he was in a bit of pain after the procedure but he was his usual joking self which I guess is about the only way to get through this stuff. Why does shit like this happen to awesome people? My grandpa is a war veteran who served his country and then went on to work for many more years to create a nice life for his family. He's always been patient and kind and with his constant positive influence in my life, I escaped any daddy issues I could have had with my parents messy divorce. He and my grandmother have always lived healthy lives and they are the last two people I would ever expect to get cancer. The first couple of days after he was diagnosed, I couldn't even talk about him without crying and even now, over a month later, I cry thinking about that big strong guy I know being weak. I feel guilty that I'm not there to help them but I am also thankful that I'm not there to see it all. I just pray that the chemo works and then surgery can remove the rest and we can all move past this, I can't imagine having children who have never met my grandpa.
And with that depressing note, I'll shut up.. this blog has rambled on for too long..
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
And I know I have tons of blessings and I live much more comfortably than a lot of people my age, just some days I throw a pity party for myself (mainly when I'm pmsing, which is right now..stupid hormones).
The brightest spot in my life right now has to be my dog, cheesy as this sounds, he makes me so happy no matter what's going on. He was very challenging when he was a puppy, we had lots of late nights/early mornings, and he constantly tried to eat every single toy we gave him. Oh, and the hyperactivity was something for the record books! But now that he's two, he's calmer and trained and he does something new to make me laugh everyday. I was trying to think of a word to describe owning a dog earlier and the best I could come up with was "rewarding." We joke about how stupid we are to pay all this money to pick up poop but it's amazing what a fuzzy 30 pound dog can do, it's a lot more than all the money we spend on him and all the poop we have to pick up.
and because some days I feel like my life is a cul-de-sac.
and because no one I know in real life is going through the same things I've been going through.
This is why I started a blog today..