It sucks to be dumped, especially when it's by your own body..

So, needless to say, I'm in a funk again after Af showed this week..and I have an overwhelming feeling that my body has broken my heart. The good news is I o'ed when I thought I did but then Dh and I had pretty good timing (I don't think we used the pre-seed though..stupid us..) and..nothing. I was slowly starting to get my hopes up too. I'm trying really hard to be happy that my body functioned correctly but in true "me" fashion, I can't, I want more. And I want to get myself and Dh to a specialist but I keep procrastinating and thinking maybe it's not meant for us to have children or maybe next month will be our month. But it probably won't be, just like every other month.. ugh.

People are so not helpful..

Dh and I have lived here for almost a year now.. and just last week we received a memo from our apartment complex asking for info on our dog for their records, not a big deal.. except I notice that on it is a "proof of town license" requirement. What the what??

Apparently, this is common practice up here, but in Florida, all we needed was a rabies certificate. I think this whole 'town license' business is just a way to get money, but whatever.. my point is, why didn't anyone tell us about this requirement?! Our apartment complex office knew we were moving from Florida, all of our references were in Florida so obviously that's where we've been living for years and years and since they seem to need proof of this town license, you'd think they would have told us to get one when we moved here. In January.

Then, there is the veterinary hospital, we went there in May for Brady's yearly check-up, they also knew we had just moved from Florida and that I was completely clueless about things up here (ticks and coyotes, oh my!) yet they never mentioned a town license..I just feel completely failed right now, is there anything else I should know before I accidentally walk out of my house on Zombie Day and am eaten because no one told me about Zombie Day?

It's only a matter of time versus it will never happen..ever.

I'm totally on the fence about ttc business this month.. sometimes I feel like I'm going to magically end up pregnant and I'll marvel at the days when I felt like I was never going to be a mom, how silly of me! But then my moods change and I feel like it's never going to happen unless I get mine and Dh's asses to a doctor. And I get all angry and my co-worker who knows about all this will say "You should just relax..it will happen.." and I (half)jokingly scream "I CAN'T RELAX!!!" And I can't..maybe if my body functioned correctly, it wouldn't be as bad because at least then it would be an issue of not being pregnant, not an issue of my body being whack. I stopped charting though, I was just hating myself every single morning when I had to lay still with a stupid thermometer hanging out of my mouth. My temps never really told me anything anyway and the only cycle that I think I actually ovulated was the one where I totally failed at temping. So, whatever..no temping unless I feel like it.

Making a difference

Back when I was a wee little babe, I had my whole life planned out. I would work hard in school, participate in lots of theatrical productions, go to a performing arts college, start out performing on Broadway and then transition to films and tv. And somewhere along the way, I got way off course. I've accepted it but have still struggled with deciding exactly what I want to do with my life. Finally, a few years ago I realized what I do isn't that important as long as I'm making the world a better place. So, I donated to charity, I tried volunteering, but I still didn't feel like I was making much of an impact. Then I thought, I'll become a teacher, impact the young minds of America, inspire our next generation! And after a few months (and applying to an early education degree program), that idea fizzled out, mainly because I don't think the promise of making a difference only after spending thousands of dollars and at least four more years in school holds enough weight to keep me going.

But, what I've felt deep down my entire life but never really accepted is that all of us make a difference everyday. I feel like I make the world a better place for my family, like when I found a hotel for my grandmother to stay in when my grandfather has surgery and when I joke around with my grandfather about his chemo pump and feeding tube to make this whole cancer thing seem not quite as scary as it really is. Or at work when I help someone pick out a great job interview outfit or show them how to choose clothing that makes them look their best, I like to think that helps in some small way.

I feel that this is what making a difference is really about, not donating millions of dollars to charities or whatever. It's the small things we do that inspire and encourage those around us. The end.

Happy Halloween..yay...

Dear Body,
All I'm saying is you best start acting appropriately or I'm having you committed! Seriously, this is not the way a 26 year olds body is supposed to behave. It's embarrassing when other people's bodies are happily ovulating on the same day and raising their temperatures and you are pumping out ewcm like it's going out of style. Stop it!

Let's talk about playing the "kid card"

Maybe it's my bitterness talking but I had another co-worker play the kid card the other day when asking me to switch shifts with her and it really annoyed me. I really didn't care about switching shifts because I had no plans or anything but it bothers me that even if I didn't want to switch, I wouldn't be able to say no because she has no one to watch her kid and I would look like a heartless bitch if I acted like I don't care. And honestly, I don't, it's her personal life and I hate she's in the position she's in (going through a messy divorce, etc, etc) but it's not my problem. It doesn't help that this person works in two stores and lives over an hour away from our store and I don't understand why she continues to be in our store when she still has a job at the one close to her home. When we first opened, it was assumed that she was in our store to "help" since all of us were new but here it is, 4 months later, and she's still there at least a few days a week and it doesn't look like it's ever going to stop. But, I digress..

And if someone plays the kid card, how do we know they're being honest? They could just be making up crap about their kid so they can get an extra day off. Are we supposed to assume they're trustworthy since they have a child?

And, sure, I could make up a list of excuses for not being able to switch/take someone's shift but then my guilt will bother me.. stupid conscience.

And the pity party continues..

Who knew TTC would screw with me so much? I was in Kohl's yesterday and stood outside of the baby section and pondered walking through and then thought "What's the point?" and almost started crying. In public.. not cool and not typical of me at all. Then in the grocery store today I stared at all of the delicious soy foods I used to consume daily but have stopped eating since I read that they can screw with your cycles since one of the ingredients mimics estrogen or something crazy like that. Then I thought "Who gives a crap, not eating them hasn't helped me get pregnant!" and grabbed a package of bbq riblets. Then I grumpily went about the rest of my shopping. I also watched one too many baby shows today even though each one made me cry more than the last. This whole thing has gotten out of control and I can't stop it. I know I need to admit there's a problem and get to a specialist and then see where we go from there. Maybe we'll adopt in a few years, which I'm totally okay with and even one day last week (after watching a particularly inspirational Adoption Story) I accepted it, well, at least I thought I did until the warm fuzzy feeling wore off and I was right back to the cranky "I hate my body" person I have turned into. Ugh.

Oh, and let me share what my body has been up to lately.. I thought AF was starting on CD 42 again, which is fine, but then it was pretty heavy for 2 days and went right to really light spotting for 3, totally not normal for me.. and now I've had ewcm off and on pretty much since then. AND I keep thinking I'm getting a uti but then the feeling goes away, so annoying!

It's freaking cold!

I'm feeling very out of my element with all of this cold weather in October.. back home (where I was last week) it's 85 and super humid. And leaves don't really change color there either, so all of this change up here is so strange to me. And I have so much to say about my trip and being torn between my two worlds and how exhausted I've been and how I feel like all I do is work but.. I'm tired.. and the computer battery is getting low and I don't want to move from the couch to plug it in. So, perhaps tomorrow I'll share my random and useless thoughts with you all, if you're lucky.
:P

3 days.

Until I fly home.. I wish I was excited and I'm not completely dreading it, so I guess what I feel is..nothing.

I'm trying to keep my flying anxiety in check so I don't spend the whole day on Thursday hoping I don't hurl into an air sickness bag.

I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that my grandmother still hasn't called me.

I'm trying not to picture myself visiting my sad, empty house that has been on the market since last November. I know I'll have a long cry about it when I'm there, we had so many plans and dreams for that house. The room that was supposed to be for our baby was right next to ours and I used to sit in there and plan how I would set it up, I had even picked a paint color and taped the sample chip on the wall. That house was where we were supposed to start our family, not a one bedroom apartment thousands of miles away from everyone we know.

I'm trying not to be too pathetic about the whole "thousands of miles away" thing because I know our lives take the path they were meant to take..but it doesn't make any of this less painful. I thought my life was finally going the way it was supposed to and then it totally changed.

I'm trying not to be too sad about being away from my dog and DH for six days (I was away from Dh for a month last year but at least I had my pup to keep me company!), I don't know how to function without Dh's stupid jokes and Brady's fuzzy butt getting in my way when I'm doing just about anything. But I know time apart is good for all of us.. *sigh*

I'm writing this blog instead of looking for a rental car, haha..

Just fabulous..

So, pregnant co-worker decided she needed a "regular hours" job so she found one and essentially gave 3 days notice and guess who gets to go back to full-time hours to pick up the slack?? Me, yay. And I get to start it right now, this week, the week before I fly to Florida for 6 days. So, instead of having yesterday and today off AND one more day before I leave, I just had these two days and I believe I'll probably be working until the day I fly out, hopefully not because that will be 8 days in a row, but I don't know because the schedule hadn't been posted as of Sunday. Not knowing when my next day off is just makes me so super happy! Ugh, I'm just so bitchy today, I always have big plans for my days off and I never accomplish them and I think this cycle is looking anovulatory so...that's my excuse for being irritable. Oh, and September sucks because my cousin who was my best friend died on September 21, 1993 when his friends were playing with guns and accidentally shot him, or so we've been told, unfortunately we'll never know what really happened that day. Anyway, ever since then, bad things have happened in September. I'm sure there were numerous things that went wrong many years ago that I can't remember but more recently, there was September 11th..
Then in 2004, Hurricane Ivan hit my hometown and made it look like a war zone. I stayed with my grandparents in their very sturdy brick home and at about 2am when the hurricane was moving over us, I was convinced the house was going to blow apart. I'll never forget the look on Dh's face when he came to my grandparents house the afternoon after the storm had passed. He had driven over as soon as it was over (all the cell signals were jammed and real phone lines were destroyed) but my grandparents and I had driven across town to check on my parents so he had no idea if we were at the hospital or what..
But anyway, I really went off on a tangent today.. moral of the story is September sucks (and that is part of the reason I didn't fly home this month) and I'm bitchy. Have a nice day.

Fabulous...

Co-worker is pregnant with her second child (first is only a year old).. WHY does she get two when I can't even have one? One of the other managers outed her today when she said we all should go out for drinks after inventory and SHE can have iced tea. Then I realized co-worker hadn't told me yet because she knows what's going on with me and I felt bad that she felt bad. And then I put my big girl face on and said "NO, don't worry about me, I'm happy for you!!!" Then I went to panera and bought a lemonade and a brownie and posted a vague, sad facebook status and wallowed in my misery before I had to suck it up and go back to work. Bleh..

I should eat a pear..but I want ice cream!

I constantly battle with myself over what to eat. I always have healthy choices available and I know what it takes to eat healthfully because I used to be really good at it. I try not to keep junk food in the house but even if I think I don't have anything bad in the cabinet, I'll find something, anything, that isn't good for me and devour it. Last week I remembered a pack of hershey bars leftover from s'more making that I had stashed way up on the top shelf so I couldn't see them. But, no, just eating a chocolate bar wasn't enough, I dipped the stupid thing in peanut butter and made little hershey chocolate/peanut butter sandwiches. And it was delicious.
I'm in no way close to being obese or anything but I know as the years go on, my metabolism will slow and if these horrible eating habits keep up, I'll be shopping the plus size racks in no time. Now's a good time to mention that I just recently started eating some fish and chicken after being a vegetarian for 10 years. So, now I can take advantage of fast food establishments, something I used to never be able to do (except for the occasional trip to Burger King, they have a veggie burger..) and that is very very dangerous. They're just so darn convenient and tasty! Ugh.. maybe I'll go eat a peach.. and then some ice cream.. life is short, right? :)

I'm (almost) tired of being a bitch..

I have been so grumpy lately. At work, I purposely didn't talk to a co-worker because I knew it would annoy her (and this was the one who had me work for her on my day off, oh, and her daughter is TEETHING, which would explain the fever, I don't have kids and I could have told her that!). And I'm still arguing on FB with Dh's friend, now it's gone to abortion and this may be very prejudiced of me but I have a big problem with guys taking harsh stances on something I view as a woman's subject. It's fine if they want to share their opinion but to basically be like "it's murder, no matter what, anyone who has an abortion is the devil!" is too much for me when the person saying it doesn't have a uterus and will never have to think about making that decision.
But I digress..back to my bitchiness..
I also basically want to beat Dh up a lot, I mean, I 'love smack' him pretty frequently when he's saying something dumb but now when I go to do that, I feel all angry and just want to keep punching him. Omg.. I'm a husband beater, lol! And I've been swearing a lot more and accidentally hurting myself more (maybe because I'm doing things with more vigor and less caution but I sliced my thumb open trying to open a box today then I somehow cut the side of my hand, no idea how, then I cut my other hand on the stupid cling wrap box, oh, and I rammed my head into the roof of my car when I was getting in it yesterday too..)
I don't know if it's the TTC stress or the stuff with my grandmother (who still hasn't called me but has resumed speaking to my mother) or just life in general but I've been literally pissed off for at least a couple of weeks now. I feel like I'm about to scream pretty much all day everyday. I did yoga today and was fine doing it but the screaming urges came back as soon as I was finished.. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stay this angry forever, at the very least, it's not good for my ovulation, haha.

Unexpected work is never fun..

I took someone's shift for Sunday so that she could hang with her husband on his birthday (and apparently didn't think to request it off in the first place..) and in return, she took my shift for today.. WELL, around 11:50 I got a call and her daughter had a 'fever' and she needed to take her to the 'doctor' so could I please work today? UGH! And she kept asking if that was okay..what was I supposed to say to that? "NO, it's not, I was planning on sitting my pjs and watching all of my dvr-ed late night shows, very important stuff! So, no, I can't work for you so you can take your daughter to the doctor, if that is, in fact, what you are doing!" I don't think retail management is the place for parents to work if they don't have enough of a support system to look after their kids when things happen. And there's no way for her to take another one of my shifts this week, convenient for her, no?
Work wasn't terrible though, even the person who usually annoys me didn't bother me today.. and I realized I'm getting old because I was working with a couple of our high school age kids tonight and instead of thinking "These are cool girls, I wish I could hang out with them." I thought "When I have kids, I hope they turn out like them." How weird! Luckily, I didn't say it aloud because I think that would have been even weirder..

Vote for Brady!

There's probably about a 1 in a trillion chance of actually winning one of these things but vote anyway! (You have to register to vote but all you have to do is enter an email and a password)

http://www.cutestdogcompetition.com/vote.cfm?h=D98B706E9FF79C00371D3756035ACDCB

What do I need to do? Back flips???

So, I'm trying to research things to do differently this cycle to increase my bfp chances (even though I'll probably be in Florida when I O..and Dh will be here, great.) and everything I've found are things that I was doing months ago before I realized it could be a good while before I actually am pg and I just don't want to deprive myself of some of my favorite things while I wait for this bfp that may never come. Plus, tons of people get pg everyday without intending to..so obviously, none of these 'changes' are absolutely essential to having a baby. Ugh, I just wish I could take a magic pill or go purchase a pregnancy like I purchase a new handbag, haha.. I have lots more thoughts on this but I'm tired and have had a stupid headache all day so maybe I should go to bed now..

If you want AF to show, wear white!

That has never been true for me but today it was.. I was trying very very hard not to get my hopes up about this cycle and I didn't *feel* like I had my hopes up but Af showing hit me like a ton of bricks today..and it happened at work to make everything that much more *awesome.* I held it together though even when the other manager was all concerned about merchandising and was asking my opinion and I just wanted to scream "IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE MY PERIOD STARTED!!!!!" Then the day ended, I got in my car, and proceeded to cry the whole 10 minute drive home, got it together only to lose it again when I walked in the door and Dh asked me what was wrong. TTC has turned me into a whiney/crying/pathetic mess and I don't like it! So, excuse me if my funk lasts a little longer than I planned.. on to the next roller coaster cycle where I hope and pray it's normal and if God feels like I've been extra good, maybe he'll throw a bfp my way.

There's no reasoning with preacher's sons, is there?

Currently, I'm in a debate on facebook (I know, how stupid) with one of Dh's friends, who I like very much but who just happens to be a religious nut (he's 26 and still holding out for marriage, honorable or weird? You decide.) Anyway, the debate began with universal healthcare, went to abortion, and now has become about sex education. He feels that my suggestion of teaching 'proper sex education' instead of abstinence only is socialism. WHAT? Ugh, I was so over it and then he posted that comment and I just told him off in the nicest way I possibly could without calling him a fucking idiot with homo-erotic tendencies. (Calling him anything with gay connotations will really fire him up, since that's SO horrible, lol) And Dh tried to make a joke in the thread which just pissed me off because he's always joking, can't we talk about real issues for once? So he just got told off too.. it doesn't help I'm on my third beer either.. Anyway, am stepping away from facebook for a few days until I can laugh at all of this..

Oh, and I caved and took a pg test this morning.. and since I'm on my third drink, you can guess what the result was.. so now I wait for Af, I have lots of NOT pg symptoms too.. :(

Sleep is for the weak..

I just looked at a really cute diaper bag, it's stylish and doesn't look like a diaper bag... I loved it and then I started crying about it, how ridiculous.. I promise, my pity party will be over soon.. am going to bed now because I am weak..

And now it's time for my ttc obsessive blog entry of the week..

I believe I o'ed around 11 days ago, had lots of pms symptoms last week (bitchiness/mild cramps/back pain/fatigue) and now they've all gone except for the back pain and with my years of retail work in cute but not exactly supportive shoes, back pain is not an uncommon occurence for me. Oh, and I've been eating everything in the house (also not uncommon, lol). And since I have zero ability to remember things I've read, I couldn't exactly remember how long a normal luteal phase is so I googled..and apparently it can be from 12 to 16 days, ugh! I was hoping for more like 12 to 14 so then I'd know to expect Af soon. Also, I was a moron and took a test a few days ago, knowing that even if by some miracle I was pg, it would be too early for a bfp, just felt like poas which has become a hobby of mine, whether it's an opk or pg test, I just like playing in my pee, lol, that's gross, sorry. So, here I sit, with no NOT pregnant symptoms to interpret like last time, how boring.. this game is not fun anymore and I want to quit but can't find the courage to do it.

Oh, and I had a weird dream last night that Dh and I were *ahem* getting busy and I realized he was wearing a condom and I was *pissed* because instead of discussing with me the fact that he didn't want to ttc right then, he just took it upon himself to wear protection. And in real life, I have no reason to even think Dh doesn't want to ttc (he even sat and watched a whole Baby Story with me last night) so I have no idea where the dream came from.

You have to plug the toaster in for it to work, genius..

Often, on my drive home from work, I think of brilliant blog topics then I promptly forget them as soon as I get home..

I do remember one topic though, because the thought occurs to me every time I drive on the highway (I didn't call it the 'interstate' because I got laughed at for a good 15 minutes for saying that at work last week.. ) New Hampshire drivers in Mass. are the equivalent of Alabama drivers in Florida. Now, no offense to anyone who lives in Alabama that reads this because I'm sure you aren't like that, mainly because you're young enough to know how to turn on your computer. But, in Florida, 98% of the time that I was stuck behind a slow moving line of traffic, the problem was an Alabama driver. It was a running joke with everyone I knew because we all had the same experiences. Now, every time I'm driving and have to pass/get stuck behind someone, they have New Hampshire plates. And, seriously, WHY in the hell do you get on the highway to drive 50? Oh, and they aren't just in the right hand lane either.. they think they're allowed to drive in any lane they please, it's infuriating. And, unlike the Alabama drivers, they aren't always old and driving Buicks, most of the time they're in SUVs and talking on a cell phone. Also, I've heard that you're more likely to get into an accident if you're driving slow and a slow driver almost got me into an accident the other day. As I was trying to pass a slow mover, another car two lanes over was doing the same thing and almost ran right into me since we started switching lanes at the same time, all because some moron didn't know how to talk and press the gas pedal at the same time! I'm pissed off just thinking about it! Get in your car and DRIVE people, it's not a freakin' parade!

So, it's back to this not sleeping thing again..

Some recent events have granted me insomniac status yet again, I was awake for the first announcements that Sen. Kennedy had passed and that certainly didn't help me sleep again, so sad. I'm going to c/p my post to my fellow Boston nest ladies about my grandmother, I call it my "rude awakening" because even after you know people for 26 years, you still don't really "know" them:

My grandmother called me yesterday and is all upset and overwhelmed because my grandfather has cancer and has been going through surgeries and chemo for the past few months and she's been basically completely dependent on him since they got married 55 years ago. So, now she's having to be in charge but she has no shortage of family to help (they live in my hometown). Well, a recent event makes it quite possible that my grandparents will be driving 6 hours alone to have my grandfather's feeding tube fixed since it's started to fall out. My grandfather is by no means comatose or anything and my grandmother is perfectly healthy so this is not an unreasonable thing for them to do. WELL, on the phone call, my grandmother starts out b!tching about my mom which is fine, sometimes we need to vent, but then she starts saying that they're going to have to have their 3 perfectly healthy dogs put down because they can't take them on the trip and they have no one to keep them and they're going to have to make several more trips to the cancer center before my grandfather is better. So, I started out explaining that my mom would watch them (it's the trip that she can't go on) or they could board them, etc.. but there was no talking my grandmother down, she kept going on and on and I finally was yelling at her, telling her she's ridiculous, etc, and she finally says "I didn't mean to upset you and I love you, but I won't be calling you ANYMORE."

Seriously?!? I've always been close to my grandparents and we've been through a lot together, she's going to just write me off for arguing with her one time? AND, her dogs are like her children and her first thought when it comes to what to do with them is to kill them? She's obviously off her rocker and has had a nervous breakdown once before.. But I just feel like I've seen a side of her I never knew was there and she has totally fallen off the pedestal that I had her on for so long and it hurts. Grandparents are supposed to be wise and patient and compassionate which mine were, up until yesterday.

And the dogs are fine, my grandmother loves her dogs more than anything and I don't honestly believe she would do anything to harm them. I called my mom and she also assured me that my grandfather wouldn't let my grandmother even try to have them put down.. and I called my grandmother's niece and she went to visit yesterday and my mom did as well. I just wish I was there to help too. And I feel bad for my poor grandfather who just needs to rest and instead he gets to deal with lunatic woman, ugh..

So, this has been what I think is my first big 'adult' rude awakening, apparently the world's not made of lollipops and cotton candy!

(And what is keeping my parents from going with my grandparents on their trip is my stepdad's brother in law's funeral in Texas and my brother just started the new school year, so my mom has to stay home with him, good reason, right? Well, apparently, it wasn't good enough for my grandmother.. PLUS my parents have already made plans to go with them when my grandfather has his big tumor-removing surgery in a couple of months and they'll be there for at least 8 days)

Also, I found out that one of my friends from high school died yesterday, we hadn't kept in touch but it's still sad that he's not out there living his life anymore.

AND, to update my TTC status, I get a total FAIL for temping this month, I just couldn't get back into taking it around the same time and so they were all over the place and I had a temp spike (no ewcm though) and CH's for almost a week before they went away so that was really discouraging and then I had ewcm for about 3 days last week, so I'm hoping that I actually O'ed (I had an epic fail with the opks!) because I had sporadic ewcm last cycle so I think it was anovulatory. BUT, this cycle I had lots of creamy (which was weird for me) and then those 3 days of ew and then nothing since then. So, fingers crossed, AF will show in the next couple of weeks (at this point, if I get a bfp, great, but having Af and a normal cycle would be almost as awesome), I'm almost.. almost sick of this whole TTC game and am thisclose to giving up and just letting what happens happen, we can always adopt in a few years..

Well, someone has to set a bad example!

Nearly every day I think to myself "Self, today, we're going to eat nothing but healthful things, stay away from any baked goods that may cross our path, we'll find time to do yoga, we'll take the dog on longer walks and we'll like it!" But, then I get a craving for funfetti cupcakes and I buy the mix, manage to not make them for a few days but ultimately give in and make the whole box of them..So, now I have a dozen funfetti cupcakes plus an 8" round cake (because I only have one cupcake pan and zero patience). BUT, I made the cupcakes yesterday so now I have 5 cupcakes and 3/4 of the cake left. I ate four.. FOUR cupcakes today! I couldn't help myself, they're sitting there looking all delicious on my cake plate and my brain keeps telling me that they're going to go bad and I don't want to waste my beatiful cupcake frosting/sprinkling work. I should have made them when I was going to be working the next day so I could have shoved most of them off on my co-workers. But, I didn't.. and I ate four cupcakes in one day, plus a muffin, plus lunch at Longhorn, bbq chex mix, banana chips, and apple cinnamon cheerios with strawberries on top.

Oh, and an orange.

I heart QVC

I blame my mother for always watching that silly channel and sucking me into that world early on. To this day, it doesn't feel like the Christmas season to me until I watch QVC gift shows. And I rarely order anything which is the beauty of tv shopping, I can ooh and ahh over all the things they present and think that I absolutely must have them (and those hosts are great at making me think I *need* pretty much everything I see, last year I was convinced I needed to order an outdoor Christmas light outlet with a timer even though I had no plans to put up outdoor lights nor did I have a big enough yard to require a portable outlet). BUT, the best part is that by the time I get up and get my credit card out of my wallet, I realize I probably don't really need the item. Also, it's easy to decide to order the item later and then I'll usually forget about it by the time later comes. Oh, and don't let this Christmas season talk fool you, QVC has become a year-round staple in my world, I even dvr-ed their Dooney & Bourke show today. And yes, I could have easily looked at the bags on their website but I enjoy having them presented to me, like I have personal shoppers, haha.
But now that has convinced me that I need a new bag for the fall..and just any old bag won't do. I was at the mall earlier today and found a super cute burgundy domed bag with studs for $24.99 at Filene's, I picked it up and carried it around, trying to decide if I wanted to adopt it. Well, then, a yellow nine west fold-over bag caught my eye, it was so shiny and smooth that it made the little burgundy bag look like something from Wal-mart so I put that one back and modeled the yellow bag for a few minutes (and it was only $39.99!). By this point, Dh had made his purchase and was ready to leave and so I put the yellow bag back and decided to think about it while we did the rest of our shopping. While I was wandering about the mall, something crazy happened.. I walked right into the Coach store! I never go in there mainly because I'm not a huge Coach fan (I'm more of a Dooney & Bourke girl) but their bags were so shiny and tempting, they sucked me right in and I immediately found a super cute little green bag (and it was only $198! Cheap by Coach standards!) I modeled it around and tried to ignore the salesgirls encouragement.. and I managed to put it back and leave to find Dh, only problem was now the cute nine west bag looked like a Wal-mart special.. so I left without any new bags.
After I got home, I realized I've been using the same Dooney bag (off and on, obviously..) for at least 3 years and I brought this to Dh's attention and he, being the savvy financial professional that he is, pointed out that a bag could be an investment, either I could get 6 cheap ones or one really nice one. (And my love for him overflowed at that moment.. lol) So, I started looking at Dooney bags online and one nice one led to another which led to another..and now I'm looking at spending around 450 dollars on a bag which I know is ridiculous and I have to stop myself..but it's so pretty and awesome.. look:

Oh, I was writing a blog..

I have been so scatter brained these past two days, it's amazing I've gotten anything done..but I have and it feels awesome!! I made myself stay offline during the day (and yesterday I didn't even watch tv!) and that gave me more time to clean/run errands/cook yummy stuff. It's crazy how much time I can spend on here and not even realize it. For instance, as of right now, I've been on for about 2.5 hours and it feels like it's been 30 minutes even though I've researched hotels near the hospital where my grandfather is having his tumor removed (hopefully in a couple of months, if the chemo does it's job!) and I've looked for flights for my trip home in October (although my fabulous Dh is going to use a credit he has and book one for me tomorrow!) and I've ordered an awesome id tag for the doggy (his current one is fading fast) AND I've caught up with my fabulous nesties..more and more people are getting their BFPs everyday, very exciting for them, sad for me as I get left behind *sniff sniff*

BUT (and please excuse my hyperactive use of caps, parentheses, and exclamation points, I have tons of energy right now for no good reason at all), getting AF on my own this past cycle has helped to pull me out of my funk and I've been terrible at charting this cycle (shouldn't have taken that week of AF off..), all of my days except one have open circles but I'm so not stressed about it, I have tons of opks to use once I start seeing ewcm anyway (and I *will* see it, I have faith!)
In the meantime, I'm finding exciting things to do for myself.. first up on the agenda: taking a trapeze class or at least going for one swing on it to see if I'm up for a whole routine. Dh and I saw one at a place one weekend and I flipped out but had just eaten and didn't want to show everyone what I had so I didn't try it. But the other day I remembered it and thought "Why the hell not, I'm off this weekend, I'm going back to do it!!" And I may not make it there this weekend..but I will make it there..oh yes I will... and I will probably fall flat on my face..haha.

I'm happy and sad at the same time..am I crazy?

I often feel those two emotions simultaneously and I certainly can't be the only person like this..

Right now, for instance, I'm sad that I'm not in Florida so I can help my grandparents but I'm happy that I don't have to see my grandfather hooked up to feeding tubes and chemo pumps. I want to go home for a visit in the next couple of months but I keep putting off buying my plane ticket or setting a date which makes me feel like maybe subconsciously I don't want to go. In the past, my tardiness to something has been a good indication of my dislike for whatever it is I'm going to, I don't show up late on purpose, it just seems to happen. So, maybe this procrastination with plane ticket buying directly relates to my tardiness..I don't know, I'm too tired to think anymore.

Too much to say, not enough time..

I have barely had time to breathe since I started working again. I told myself I wouldn't become a workaholic (again) and wouldn't go back to working 40 hours..but I did and I already feel like I live at work (again). But, today my boss asked if I'd rather work the 32 hours she originally offered me and I made the workaholic voices in my head shut up and said "Yes, please!" I'm just so competitive at *everything* and already at this new job, I'm trying hard to be the best and the brightest but really, it doesn't matter, I don't even really want a career in retail, but I don't really know where I want a career.. I like this job but I was already starting to feel exhausted and burnt out from being there so much. It would be one thing if it were a job where I sat down and did office type things but with my line of work, I go non-stop for the entire 8 hours I'm there. I'm on my feet, running all over the store, helping customers, fixing register issues, delegating stuff to associates, merchandising, etc, etc, etc..

Anyway, I could go on and on but I have to sleep soon. SO, my not pregnant signs were really NOT pregnant signs.. AF showed up a few days ago and I'm so happy that I can hold off on taking the bcp for another cycle, hopefully this next cycle will be normal! No, not normal..hopefully this next cycle will end in a BFP!

TTC is driving me crazy!

I'm generally a pretty logical person (although my Dh thinks otherwise!) and when I started this blog I decided I would try to write about interesting things and not blabber on about myself constantly. WELL, every time I try to come up with something to write about, all I can think about is TTC.. it's taken over my brain and I've tried to vent about it on here (and to my fabulous fellow nesties!) so I don't talk about it with every freaking person I meet. Yesterday I found myself discussing our TTC path with a co-worker that I haven't even been working with for a week yet! (Granted, she *did* ask me when we were planning to have children and she already has a child and for whatever reason I felt like sharing my story that day..) And today at work, there was a grandma walking around pushing a crying newborn-ish baby in a stroller and I wanted to go see it but instead my legs sent me in the opposite direction and I felt a (BIG) twinge of sadness. Luckily, I had all the clothing in our backroom to distract me.
And it doesn't help that I once again have crosshairs on my chart (although I still think it's possible that I o'ed right around the time I was sick and just didn't catch it since I missed a couple of temps).. and I've been having weird things going on with my body and the logical part of me knows they aren't pregnancy signs but the whacked out baby crazy part of me thinks it's possible. Google doesn't help either, apparently ANYTHING could be a sign of pregnancy! So, to help me debunk the almighty google...

Here's my list of NOT pregnant signs that I've been having lately:

1. Back pain: could be pregnancy, could be all the standing I've been doing for work
2. Sharp twinges (kind of cramps) on both sides of body: probably random cramps that mean nothing
3. Leg cramps: (I never get these but one made me leap out of bed in the middle of the night last night, then I had a good laugh thinking about how crazy I probably looked!) Also, had leg cramping tonight. Probably a fluke or I didn't have enough potassium for whatever reason, ate a banana tonight and cramps went away. Although I did have a banana last night before my leaping out of bed like an idiot episode. Probably still just a fluke.
4. Metallic taste in my mouth last night and tonight: Google said it could be pregnancy or gingivitis.. probably gingivitis.
5. More tired than usual at night: Probably just from working.
6. Lots of weird dreams: REALLY weird dreams last night (which was listed as a sign of pregnancy on one site I went on, haha). They're probably just a symptom of my impending insanity though..

Those are all of the not pregnant signs I can think of right now although I'm sure as soon as I finish this, I'll pee and it will look funny and I will think it's a pregnancy sign and then I'll trip and think it could mean I'm pregnant... I'm so sick of the word pregnant now, ugh!

Forgive me, blogland..

I haven't felt much like blogging recently as I've been working my ass off at the new store. Everything is almost total chaos right now as we train associates and re-organize merchandise, I don't even know what my schedule is for next week which stresses me out but I'm trying *really* hard to be patient about it all..
And I'm feeling a whole lot of discouragement about the ttc thing. My random 6 days of spotting turned out be neither ovulation related nor implantation related as my temp dropped and I have now had two days of ewcm, all excitement that came with the first day of having it has dissipated. (My chart is here if you care to look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/26f39d) Now I just feel like my body is screwing with me.. I finally sucked it up and had sex last night for the first time since my uti, I think I felt safer since I started taking cranberry supplements yesterday. So, I'd like to be excited and think that it might be O-time soon and I possibly had sex at a very good time but I'm sure it's just nothing, like it always is. I'll give it another few days and then I'll probably start the birth control pills..
I couldn't even bear to watch A Baby Story today and you know I'm feeling pretty crappy if I can't watch that!
These past few days I've just felt like all my worries are weighing me down (usually I'm good at hiding them from myself so they don't bother me constantly), I've been really bummed about my grandpa and about our house and my whacked out body and I just can't seem to shake them. I'm sure this is a passing phase, and hopefully soon I'll feel motivated and positive again, like I usually do..

I really wish our bodies came with a personalized owners manual..

We could be born with it and it would explain what every single thing that happens means in our bodies.
And now some much-needed venting about *my* body..
My temp has been up for the past two days and I don't know if it's because of my antibiotics, I hope not.
AND I started spotting today, so is it ovulation spotting? Not likely since I haven't had ewcm in a few days and my temp is already up. Could it be implantation..? I'm sure it's not cause that's just not my luck but I hate knowing that it could be that. And no matter how many times I tell myself not to get my hopes up, myself still does, I think it needs to be grounded for all of this rebelling it's doing lately.
This is all I could think about today while I tried to focus on getting our store set up, ugh!

Internet, you waste too much of my time!!

I should be folding towels and going to sleep but I felt like a blog update since a lot went down yesterday and I was too busy with a migraine to write about it. I'll try to summarize..

My Wednesday
9am: Doctors appointment to get blood work/ultrasound results, office is running behind, lots of pregnant people (and teens!) in waiting room, luckily I'm too nauseous from my antibiotics to care.

9:45am: Finally get to talk to doctor, results are all normal, she says it may be too early to try clomid and I agree, she suggests putting me on bcps for 3 months to give my system a break, I hold back the tears only until I get out of the office and call Dh.. then I lose it, taking a random 3 month break from ttc was NOT in the plan!

10:00am: Rush to new job location to finish training with other members of management

11:00am-5:00pm: Training with associates, getting to know everyone's personalities, I think we'll all get along great. I am so totally distracted by ttc thoughts that I can't be excited about this new venture.

6:00pm: In horrible mood and can't get out of it, doesn't help that my head is killing me, I snap at Dh more than once and then when I apologize, I burst into tears.

10:00pm: Decide to hold off on starting bcps until I see if this cycle is normal which will be in another couple of weeks, feel 10 times better.

11:30pm: Finally go to bed.

And today, I felt a lot better, the only people at work today were the new managers and some people from corporate so we had a lot of fun and I felt excited about the store as I should, I've always wanted to help with a store opening but it never panned out in my last job. I had tons of energy when I got home (it helped that I had more caffeine today than I've had all week, between the uti and the nausea, I haven't felt like downing my two cups of coffee, and today I only had 1/2 of one and a bottled frappuccino and I was running around like a crazy person) and I made Dh do laundry and I got to do a few of the cleaning things I wanted done before MIL comes to visit. So, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed overall.. and now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed, goodnight internet world!

I plan to rip out my entire uterus/bladder...everything!

I have been up all night with a UTI that hit me like a ton of bricks *right* before I went to bed around 2am. I noticed I had been peeing a lot for most of the afternoon but sometimes I drink tons of water without realizing it so I figured that must be the problem. I mean, I haven't had a UTI in at least 4 years or so, after having a particularly nasty one I started taking more steps to prevent getting another. So, since 2am I've been drinking tons of water, I took painkillers, I even drank baking soda mixed with my water and I've gotten exactly 1 hour of sleep. Of course we don't have any 24 hour pharmacies around here or I would have been strolling in one at 2:15 am for some anagelsic. The closest one doesn't open until 8 so I'm trying to remain calm and not rip my urethra out. And I'm praying my doctor can get me in today. I am miserable and had blood in my urine (sorry if it's tmi) and that's freaking me out. The most fabulous part of all of this is I have a freakin' doctors appointment on WEDNESDAY to discuss my test results and right after I have to start my new job. I don't have time for this! Why couldn't this have happened during all those long months where I sat around and had no obligations whatsoever?!? And I've been so good about taking steps to prevent these things.. I drink tons of water, I stopped wearing thongs, I pee right after sex.. where did I go wrong? Now I'm going to start taking cranberry supplements too and continue to take them *forever.* UGH!

I can't sleep these days...

Perhaps I should get off of the internet before 1am, then maybe I won't be all stimulated when I try to get to sleep..haha, that sounded dirty..
ANYWAY.. I miss my house, I have since we moved here.. Dh and I cried when we drove away from it, we had so many plans for that place. Occasionally (like tonight) I come across pics of it and I long to be there again. And if I'm not longing to be there, I'm thinking about it at least once every single day (and we've lived here for 6 months now). When I had my giant dramatic meltdown a couple of weeks ago, Dh offered to start looking into moving back if I'm so miserable here. But I'm not miserable and I think this is important, for us to be completely on our own. And somedays it blows my mind to think about how far away we've moved and I think this was a great idea. But, when we bought the house a year ago, I thought *that* was a great idea. It was in an (what we thought) up and coming neighborhood, it was near the beach, it was close to tons of stuff and we thought we got a great price and could start our family there and then move on once we outgrew it, and the market would be up by then and we'd get good money for it and go buy a nicer place. It was going to be the jumping off point of our awesome life. And then a few months later everything changed and now we're back in a rented apartment (that's really nice but it's still just an apartment) and in no position to buy another house any time soon. Yet we're still chugging along on the baby train and I guess I just feel unstable now. And honestly, I was dying to move away from my hometown for basically my entire life and caught a glimpse of how exciting things could be when I went away to college. But, after buying the house I had accepted the fact that I was choosing to stay there and was ready to start our family and glad to be doing it so close to all of our family. And it's not like we were forced to move, it was a mutual decision, but everyday I randomly get a flash of us moving back into our house and realize that it would make me SO happy. But, then I think I'm not giving this place enough time, I mean, I lived in Florida for 25 years, surely 6 months isn't enough time to adjust to living in a completely different place..
And I miss the winter, at least the snow was something that distracted me from my pity party..

I hope everyone experiences the devotion of a dog in their lifetime...

I happened upon this on another blog and I love it, so here it is:

He has told me more than a thousand times over that I am his reason for being -- by the way he rests against my leg, by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile, by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me).

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.

When I am angry he clowns to make me smile.

When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.

When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another person. With him, I am all powerful.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion is loyalty itself. With him, I know the secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.

He has promised to wait for me ... whenever ... wherever ... in case I need him, and I expect I will, as I always have.

Who is he? -- He's just MY DOG!

- Author Unknown



Aw, doesn't that warm your heart?

And my little doggy sniffed me out tonight, he had already gone to bed with Dh and I grabbed some cantaloupe out of the fridge (did it while the air was on so it would hopefully drown out the noise) and started snacking away when I heard a scratch at the bedroom door, he must have smelled it or something cause he was demanding to come out! I opened the door and hid my cantaloupe and he went charging right to the desk, where the open cantaloupe container was sitting and then he proceeded to stare me down until I gave him a piece, haha.

I think I'll sleep with an electric blanket tonight..

So my temps can be higher just to make myself feel better! Had more ewcm today and my temp has slowly risen by one-tenth the past three days but I don't think it's enough to prove I o'ed. Was going to buy some opks yesterday but got lazy (I was at wal-mart and I *hate* wal-mart) and didn't go find any. Oh, I know, I need to go buy more pnvs tomorrow so I'll grab some opks while I'm at walgreens, score! I just reallllly hope this isn't turning out to be another anovulatory cycle, I really don't want to have to take more meds or do more testing and I think we need to be pg like NOW cause I'm tired of all this waiting.. ugh, and I'm sorry my past two blogs have been blah, I'll go try to think of something interesting to post about..

My fellow ttc'ers will appreciate this...

I had ewcm for the first time since I started charting (and knowing what ewcm is) today!!! Right before I took a shower I noticed it and was so excited, I don't even remember taking my shower! I then made some green tea just in case that really helps and then after pondering not telling Dh because I thought that might be something he would rather not know until later, I blurted it out. I couldn't contain myself, haha. He was like "oh, no pressure.. thanks.." lol, anyway, I needed somewhere to vent my good news! :)

Tonight I have insomnia..

Not really insomnia, just a strong desire to not leave this chair and go to bed. I got my hair cut today, 4 inches gone with the chop of the scissors, made me happy to be free from the excess I felt was weighing me down. Now if I could just chop the excess off of my life like that, ha.
For some reason on my way home, I started pondering the fact that I've gained probably close to 10 pounds since I moved here, I could be exaggerating because I don't own a scale and the person at the doctors office did my weight so fast, I failed to see what number she stopped on. So, it more realistically could be around 5 pounds since I have still been able to fit into my clothes, although they are tighter but luckily most of my pants have stretch and I was in a loose fitting shirt phase last year. BUT, I realized that I'm okay with the excess weight on my body, I could easily buckle down and lose it but I've chosen not to. (I eat healthy things, I guess I've just been eating more not as healthy things since I've been home a lot..) My boobs are bigger and that alone has been reason enough not to cut out my too-frequent ice cream habit. Sure, I don't prance around in a bikini like I once did but I don't think I'm missing out on anything by not lounging by the apartment pool. It is a very nice pool though and I have been working on finding a flattering swimsuit so that I may lay by it if I so choose. And if I don't, I won't feel short-changed because today I came home, put on my shortest pair of pajama shorts and enjoyed the fact that 10 pounds heavier or not, my husband would still be excited to see me in them. Then I had pizza for dinner and made chocolate chip cookies for dessert and didn't feel guilty one bit. ;)

So, I had to work today..

I'm enjoying this new job, since our store isn't open yet, I've been training in another store.. so far I've trained 3 days (4 hour shifts) in 2 weeks and I'm scheduled for a 2 hour shift next week to train on closing. It's a LOT different than my last job, where I frequently threatened to set up a bed in the backroom and just sleep there too.

OH, and my GPS lost it's mind today. I pretty much knew where I was going but wanted the GPS on anyway cause I was driving on the interstate where I tend to space out and miss my exits. The stupid thing kept telling me to take a right here, a left there, make a U-turn while intermittently going "calculating..." I seriously thought it was going to explode! I'm thinking maybe it was the crappy weather screwing with it's satellite signal, hopefully, I *need* my GPS, especially here where the roads are nuts and you can't get back to where you came from by going the way you came. (Route 1, who's the genius that decided to put a giant guard rail down the middle of the entire stupid thing?) And what's with all the freakin' rotaries?!?

The Red Sox are on and I'm really sleepy..

Every time they're on lately I end up getting really sleepy and falling asleep on the couch.. last night I fell asleep practically sitting up..like my grandpa. And right now they're in a rain delay and I brought the computer over to sit on the couch with Dh cause I felt guilty he was all alone over here and now I feel like I could fall asleep while I'm typing. (and I slept about 11 hours last night so exhaustion clearly is not a factor..)

In other news, I have always hated snoring, this stems from vacations with family members who snore and keep me up when we're sharing hotel rooms. Seriously people, snoring like that is a medical issue, see someone! BUT, my little doggy snores like an old man and I think it's the cutest thing ever. Moral of this story: if you're fuzzy and have a cute face, you may snore. If not, get some help or you risk waking up to me smothering you with a freakin' pillow!

Also today on My Amazing Life: I went to have blood taken for thyroid testing and various other hormones related to why the crap my body is not being pregnant. And I was a big girl..and didn't cry and didn't make Dh come hold my hand like I did last year (but I was *really* sick then and exhausted from all the sickness!) I did text him after requesting a prize but he didn't deliver.. that's okay, he got told and I suspect there will be a prize the next time that I request one!

And then I got home and called my grandpa, who just had a feeding tube put in before he starts chemo..I was very apprehensive because I heard he was in a bit of pain after the procedure but he was his usual joking self which I guess is about the only way to get through this stuff. Why does shit like this happen to awesome people? My grandpa is a war veteran who served his country and then went on to work for many more years to create a nice life for his family. He's always been patient and kind and with his constant positive influence in my life, I escaped any daddy issues I could have had with my parents messy divorce. He and my grandmother have always lived healthy lives and they are the last two people I would ever expect to get cancer. The first couple of days after he was diagnosed, I couldn't even talk about him without crying and even now, over a month later, I cry thinking about that big strong guy I know being weak. I feel guilty that I'm not there to help them but I am also thankful that I'm not there to see it all. I just pray that the chemo works and then surgery can remove the rest and we can all move past this, I can't imagine having children who have never met my grandpa.

And with that depressing note, I'll shut up.. this blog has rambled on for too long..

Gloomy weather depresses me

Seriously..if it's crappy for more than one day in a row, I get pretty sad..maybe I'm used to the non-stop sunshine in Florida (and the sun reflecting off the white sand makes for extra brightness). But it's been more gloomy than sunny here in Mass for weeks now! And Dh and I are going to the Red Sox game on Sunday. I was so looking forward to this game because the last one we went to (In April) was on a cold day and surely the game in June would be on a warm/sunny day! NOT, the high is supposed to be 59 and it always feels colder in Fenway to me. I'm so bummed and don't even want to go now but have to cause it's too late for Dh to get rid of the ticket (his sis and her roomie are coming too, so he wouldn't be alone..) I just *hate* being cold and I fell on some ice during the winter and since then, my ass hurts when I sit on hard surfaces which I didn't realize until the last game when I sat down on my chair and went "Ow!" (and then had to sit kind of sideways for 3.5 hours..which then made my back hurt..) So, maybe I'll pop a couple of pain pills and wear my parka (and hope we don't have a flamer sitting behind us singing the whole game, seriously, I have no problem with gay people, I have lots of gay friends, and yay for gay marriage but we don't enjoy hearing you talk about musicals and sing while we're at a freakin' baseball game!) Rant over.

I feel like I've been duped..

This is so not what I expected being a 20-something would be like. I thought by now I'd have an awesome career, meaningful friendships (with people who actually live near me!), some world travel under my belt, and a degree. Instead I have a new job that I'll probably enjoy but isn't exactly fulfilling, one good friend who lives on the other side of the world, a husband, and a pretty blah life thousands of miles away from my family. I was working on the degree thing but am having a difficult time getting info out of the school I want to attend. And I kick myself everyday for not forcing myself to stay in college. Overall, I feel like a pretty big dumbass.

And I know I have tons of blessings and I live much more comfortably than a lot of people my age, just some days I throw a pity party for myself (mainly when I'm pmsing, which is right now..stupid hormones).

The brightest spot in my life right now has to be my dog, cheesy as this sounds, he makes me so happy no matter what's going on. He was very challenging when he was a puppy, we had lots of late nights/early mornings, and he constantly tried to eat every single toy we gave him. Oh, and the hyperactivity was something for the record books! But now that he's two, he's calmer and trained and he does something new to make me laugh everyday. I was trying to think of a word to describe owning a dog earlier and the best I could come up with was "rewarding." We joke about how stupid we are to pay all this money to pick up poop but it's amazing what a fuzzy 30 pound dog can do, it's a lot more than all the money we spend on him and all the poop we have to pick up.

Because I just don't have enough ways to waste my time..

and because my brain runs at about 90 miles an hour 24/7.

and because some days I feel like my life is a cul-de-sac.

and because no one I know in real life is going through the same things I've been going through.

This is why I started a blog today..