I should really learn to go to bed when I'm tired..

The over-analyzing phantom symptoms fun has started again even though I could have only o'ed last night (but there is a very slight possibility that I could have o'ed about 12 days ago), let's see what google has to say..

1. Very emotional (was crying pretty much non-stop watching Pet Psychic on Animal Planet..for two hours.): probably some sort of mental disorder..

2. Pinching feeling in my uterus last night: probably something I imagined because I read on the Gp board the day before that a girl had that as a pg symptom and I thought "What a weird thing to feel..." and then the next night, I swear to you, it felt like someone was inside my body and pinching me down where I assume my uterus (or bladder..) is! And I couldn't find anything on google.. so I'm thinking this could also be some sort of mental disorder.

3. Lots and lots of creamy cm: I can't remember if this normally happens before Af or not.

4. Random cramps: I get these all the time, especially during the last half of my cycle but I always hold out hope that they mean something.

5. Headaches every night for the past 5 days: probably leftover symptom of cold I had last week

And I'll stop now.. I'm sure I'll have more things to add up until Af shows just like she always does, yippee..

Happy 2010!

So, this will be the obligatory New Year, new me blog post. 2009 was a mediocre year, nothing too exciting and nothing too bad happened.
At the beginning of 2010, Dh and I will have lived in Mass. for a year and we just renewed our lease so unless something dramatic happens, we won't be moving and that feels nice.
Our house in Florida is under a short sale contract so hopefully, if the bank cooperates, we'll be out from under that soon which will make me feel a lot better. I love the house but it's just felt like a dark cloud hanging over us for the past year. The couple who is trying to buy it is our age so I hope they get it and fill it with children like we had hoped to do.
My grandpa undergoes 9 more weeks of chemo in a couple of weeks without his feeding tube since it fell out a few days ago and he refused to have it put back in. So, I'm hoping he can make it through without becoming too weak and then he and my grandmother can more forward. (They've even talked about traveling again..)

This coming year, I plan to spend more time outside experiencing life instead of inside worrying about keeping my house spotless.

That's it. Now, I'm off to experience life instead of sitting in front of the computer..

It sucks to be dumped, especially when it's by your own body..

So, needless to say, I'm in a funk again after Af showed this week..and I have an overwhelming feeling that my body has broken my heart. The good news is I o'ed when I thought I did but then Dh and I had pretty good timing (I don't think we used the pre-seed though..stupid us..) and..nothing. I was slowly starting to get my hopes up too. I'm trying really hard to be happy that my body functioned correctly but in true "me" fashion, I can't, I want more. And I want to get myself and Dh to a specialist but I keep procrastinating and thinking maybe it's not meant for us to have children or maybe next month will be our month. But it probably won't be, just like every other month.. ugh.

People are so not helpful..

Dh and I have lived here for almost a year now.. and just last week we received a memo from our apartment complex asking for info on our dog for their records, not a big deal.. except I notice that on it is a "proof of town license" requirement. What the what??

Apparently, this is common practice up here, but in Florida, all we needed was a rabies certificate. I think this whole 'town license' business is just a way to get money, but whatever.. my point is, why didn't anyone tell us about this requirement?! Our apartment complex office knew we were moving from Florida, all of our references were in Florida so obviously that's where we've been living for years and years and since they seem to need proof of this town license, you'd think they would have told us to get one when we moved here. In January.

Then, there is the veterinary hospital, we went there in May for Brady's yearly check-up, they also knew we had just moved from Florida and that I was completely clueless about things up here (ticks and coyotes, oh my!) yet they never mentioned a town license..I just feel completely failed right now, is there anything else I should know before I accidentally walk out of my house on Zombie Day and am eaten because no one told me about Zombie Day?

It's only a matter of time versus it will never happen..ever.

I'm totally on the fence about ttc business this month.. sometimes I feel like I'm going to magically end up pregnant and I'll marvel at the days when I felt like I was never going to be a mom, how silly of me! But then my moods change and I feel like it's never going to happen unless I get mine and Dh's asses to a doctor. And I get all angry and my co-worker who knows about all this will say "You should just relax..it will happen.." and I (half)jokingly scream "I CAN'T RELAX!!!" And I can't..maybe if my body functioned correctly, it wouldn't be as bad because at least then it would be an issue of not being pregnant, not an issue of my body being whack. I stopped charting though, I was just hating myself every single morning when I had to lay still with a stupid thermometer hanging out of my mouth. My temps never really told me anything anyway and the only cycle that I think I actually ovulated was the one where I totally failed at temping. So, whatever..no temping unless I feel like it.

And my grandfather's surgery went well, he's still in the icu but is as feisty as ever. Apparently yesterday he wouldn't talk to anyone and then told my grandmother that she wasn't putting his blanket on him correctly. This is all hilarious since my grandfather has always been so even-tempered and polite. So, hopefully this whole cancer business will be over with soon.. I'm just thankful that his fight with it has been so short because I know some people fight it for years.

It's going to be a long week..

My grandfather finally has his tumor removing surgery on Tuesday, half of my family is in Gainesville for it while my hometown looks like it's going to be hit by a hurricane. It's amazing that they didn't have a single storm all hurricane season and one hits on the week they're in a different place. This would be fine except my parent's dogs are boarded and the vet won't keep any if there's a storm. So, someone would have to drive the 6 hours back to get them.
In the meantime, here I sit thousands of miles away, unable to help. It sucks. And I can't sleep unless I have the tv to distract me until I fall asleep.. ugh.

Making a difference

Back when I was a wee little babe, I had my whole life planned out. I would work hard in school, participate in lots of theatrical productions, go to a performing arts college, start out performing on Broadway and then transition to films and tv. And somewhere along the way, I got way off course. I've accepted it but have still struggled with deciding exactly what I want to do with my life. Finally, a few years ago I realized what I do isn't that important as long as I'm making the world a better place. So, I donated to charity, I tried volunteering, but I still didn't feel like I was making much of an impact. Then I thought, I'll become a teacher, impact the young minds of America, inspire our next generation! And after a few months (and applying to an early education degree program), that idea fizzled out, mainly because I don't think the promise of making a difference only after spending thousands of dollars and at least four more years in school holds enough weight to keep me going.

But, what I've felt deep down my entire life but never really accepted is that all of us make a difference everyday. I feel like I make the world a better place for my family, like when I found a hotel for my grandmother to stay in when my grandfather has surgery and when I joke around with my grandfather about his chemo pump and feeding tube to make this whole cancer thing seem not quite as scary as it really is. Or at work when I help someone pick out a great job interview outfit or show them how to choose clothing that makes them look their best, I like to think that helps in some small way.

I feel that this is what making a difference is really about, not donating millions of dollars to charities or whatever. It's the small things we do that inspire and encourage those around us. The end.