Sunday, September 27, 2009

3 days.

Until I fly home.. I wish I was excited and I'm not completely dreading it, so I guess what I feel is..nothing.

I'm trying to keep my flying anxiety in check so I don't spend the whole day on Thursday hoping I don't hurl into an air sickness bag.

I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that my grandmother still hasn't called me.

I'm trying not to picture myself visiting my sad, empty house that has been on the market since last November. I know I'll have a long cry about it when I'm there, we had so many plans and dreams for that house. The room that was supposed to be for our baby was right next to ours and I used to sit in there and plan how I would set it up, I had even picked a paint color and taped the sample chip on the wall. That house was where we were supposed to start our family, not a one bedroom apartment thousands of miles away from everyone we know.

I'm trying not to be too pathetic about the whole "thousands of miles away" thing because I know our lives take the path they were meant to take..but it doesn't make any of this less painful. I thought my life was finally going the way it was supposed to and then it totally changed.

I'm trying not to be too sad about being away from my dog and DH for six days (I was away from Dh for a month last year but at least I had my pup to keep me company!), I don't know how to function without Dh's stupid jokes and Brady's fuzzy butt getting in my way when I'm doing just about anything. But I know time apart is good for all of us.. *sigh*

I'm writing this blog instead of looking for a rental car, haha..

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Just fabulous..

So, pregnant co-worker decided she needed a "regular hours" job so she found one and essentially gave 3 days notice and guess who gets to go back to full-time hours to pick up the slack?? Me, yay. And I get to start it right now, this week, the week before I fly to Florida for 6 days. So, instead of having yesterday and today off AND one more day before I leave, I just had these two days and I believe I'll probably be working until the day I fly out, hopefully not because that will be 8 days in a row, but I don't know because the schedule hadn't been posted as of Sunday. Not knowing when my next day off is just makes me so super happy! Ugh, I'm just so bitchy today, I always have big plans for my days off and I never accomplish them and I think this cycle is looking anovulatory so...that's my excuse for being irritable. Oh, and September sucks because my cousin who was my best friend died on September 21, 1993 when his friends were playing with guns and accidentally shot him, or so we've been told, unfortunately we'll never know what really happened that day. Anyway, ever since then, bad things have happened in September. I'm sure there were numerous things that went wrong many years ago that I can't remember but more recently, there was September 11th..
Then in 2004, Hurricane Ivan hit my hometown and made it look like a war zone. I stayed with my grandparents in their very sturdy brick home and at about 2am when the hurricane was moving over us, I was convinced the house was going to blow apart. I'll never forget the look on Dh's face when he came to my grandparents house the afternoon after the storm had passed. He had driven over as soon as it was over (all the cell signals were jammed and real phone lines were destroyed) but my grandparents and I had driven across town to check on my parents so he had no idea if we were at the hospital or what..
But anyway, I really went off on a tangent today.. moral of the story is September sucks (and that is part of the reason I didn't fly home this month) and I'm bitchy. Have a nice day.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Co-worker is pregnant with her second child (first is only a year old).. WHY does she get two when I can't even have one? One of the other managers outed her today when she said we all should go out for drinks after inventory and SHE can have iced tea. Then I realized co-worker hadn't told me yet because she knows what's going on with me and I felt bad that she felt bad. And then I put my big girl face on and said "NO, don't worry about me, I'm happy for you!!!" Then I went to panera and bought a lemonade and a brownie and posted a vague, sad facebook status and wallowed in my misery before I had to suck it up and go back to work. Bleh..

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I should eat a pear..but I want ice cream!

I constantly battle with myself over what to eat. I always have healthy choices available and I know what it takes to eat healthfully because I used to be really good at it. I try not to keep junk food in the house but even if I think I don't have anything bad in the cabinet, I'll find something, anything, that isn't good for me and devour it. Last week I remembered a pack of hershey bars leftover from s'more making that I had stashed way up on the top shelf so I couldn't see them. But, no, just eating a chocolate bar wasn't enough, I dipped the stupid thing in peanut butter and made little hershey chocolate/peanut butter sandwiches. And it was delicious.
I'm in no way close to being obese or anything but I know as the years go on, my metabolism will slow and if these horrible eating habits keep up, I'll be shopping the plus size racks in no time. Now's a good time to mention that I just recently started eating some fish and chicken after being a vegetarian for 10 years. So, now I can take advantage of fast food establishments, something I used to never be able to do (except for the occasional trip to Burger King, they have a veggie burger..) and that is very very dangerous. They're just so darn convenient and tasty! Ugh.. maybe I'll go eat a peach.. and then some ice cream.. life is short, right? :)

Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm (almost) tired of being a bitch..

I have been so grumpy lately. At work, I purposely didn't talk to a co-worker because I knew it would annoy her (and this was the one who had me work for her on my day off, oh, and her daughter is TEETHING, which would explain the fever, I don't have kids and I could have told her that!). And I'm still arguing on FB with Dh's friend, now it's gone to abortion and this may be very prejudiced of me but I have a big problem with guys taking harsh stances on something I view as a woman's subject. It's fine if they want to share their opinion but to basically be like "it's murder, no matter what, anyone who has an abortion is the devil!" is too much for me when the person saying it doesn't have a uterus and will never have to think about making that decision.
But I digress..back to my bitchiness..
I also basically want to beat Dh up a lot, I mean, I 'love smack' him pretty frequently when he's saying something dumb but now when I go to do that, I feel all angry and just want to keep punching him. Omg.. I'm a husband beater, lol! And I've been swearing a lot more and accidentally hurting myself more (maybe because I'm doing things with more vigor and less caution but I sliced my thumb open trying to open a box today then I somehow cut the side of my hand, no idea how, then I cut my other hand on the stupid cling wrap box, oh, and I rammed my head into the roof of my car when I was getting in it yesterday too..)
I don't know if it's the TTC stress or the stuff with my grandmother (who still hasn't called me but has resumed speaking to my mother) or just life in general but I've been literally pissed off for at least a couple of weeks now. I feel like I'm about to scream pretty much all day everyday. I did yoga today and was fine doing it but the screaming urges came back as soon as I was finished.. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stay this angry forever, at the very least, it's not good for my ovulation, haha.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Unexpected work is never fun..

I took someone's shift for Sunday so that she could hang with her husband on his birthday (and apparently didn't think to request it off in the first place..) and in return, she took my shift for today.. WELL, around 11:50 I got a call and her daughter had a 'fever' and she needed to take her to the 'doctor' so could I please work today? UGH! And she kept asking if that was okay..what was I supposed to say to that? "NO, it's not, I was planning on sitting my pjs and watching all of my dvr-ed late night shows, very important stuff! So, no, I can't work for you so you can take your daughter to the doctor, if that is, in fact, what you are doing!" I don't think retail management is the place for parents to work if they don't have enough of a support system to look after their kids when things happen. And there's no way for her to take another one of my shifts this week, convenient for her, no?
Work wasn't terrible though, even the person who usually annoys me didn't bother me today.. and I realized I'm getting old because I was working with a couple of our high school age kids tonight and instead of thinking "These are cool girls, I wish I could hang out with them." I thought "When I have kids, I hope they turn out like them." How weird! Luckily, I didn't say it aloud because I think that would have been even weirder..

Vote for Brady!

There's probably about a 1 in a trillion chance of actually winning one of these things but vote anyway! (You have to register to vote but all you have to do is enter an email and a password)

What do I need to do? Back flips???

So, I'm trying to research things to do differently this cycle to increase my bfp chances (even though I'll probably be in Florida when I O..and Dh will be here, great.) and everything I've found are things that I was doing months ago before I realized it could be a good while before I actually am pg and I just don't want to deprive myself of some of my favorite things while I wait for this bfp that may never come. Plus, tons of people get pg everyday without intending obviously, none of these 'changes' are absolutely essential to having a baby. Ugh, I just wish I could take a magic pill or go purchase a pregnancy like I purchase a new handbag, haha.. I have lots more thoughts on this but I'm tired and have had a stupid headache all day so maybe I should go to bed now..

Sunday, September 6, 2009

If you want AF to show, wear white!

That has never been true for me but today it was.. I was trying very very hard not to get my hopes up about this cycle and I didn't *feel* like I had my hopes up but Af showing hit me like a ton of bricks today..and it happened at work to make everything that much more *awesome.* I held it together though even when the other manager was all concerned about merchandising and was asking my opinion and I just wanted to scream "IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE MY PERIOD STARTED!!!!!" Then the day ended, I got in my car, and proceeded to cry the whole 10 minute drive home, got it together only to lose it again when I walked in the door and Dh asked me what was wrong. TTC has turned me into a whiney/crying/pathetic mess and I don't like it! So, excuse me if my funk lasts a little longer than I planned.. on to the next roller coaster cycle where I hope and pray it's normal and if God feels like I've been extra good, maybe he'll throw a bfp my way.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

There's no reasoning with preacher's sons, is there?

Currently, I'm in a debate on facebook (I know, how stupid) with one of Dh's friends, who I like very much but who just happens to be a religious nut (he's 26 and still holding out for marriage, honorable or weird? You decide.) Anyway, the debate began with universal healthcare, went to abortion, and now has become about sex education. He feels that my suggestion of teaching 'proper sex education' instead of abstinence only is socialism. WHAT? Ugh, I was so over it and then he posted that comment and I just told him off in the nicest way I possibly could without calling him a fucking idiot with homo-erotic tendencies. (Calling him anything with gay connotations will really fire him up, since that's SO horrible, lol) And Dh tried to make a joke in the thread which just pissed me off because he's always joking, can't we talk about real issues for once? So he just got told off too.. it doesn't help I'm on my third beer either.. Anyway, am stepping away from facebook for a few days until I can laugh at all of this..

Oh, and I caved and took a pg test this morning.. and since I'm on my third drink, you can guess what the result was.. so now I wait for Af, I have lots of NOT pg symptoms too.. :(

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sleep is for the weak..

I just looked at a really cute diaper bag, it's stylish and doesn't look like a diaper bag... I loved it and then I started crying about it, how ridiculous.. I promise, my pity party will be over soon.. am going to bed now because I am weak..

And now it's time for my ttc obsessive blog entry of the week..

I believe I o'ed around 11 days ago, had lots of pms symptoms last week (bitchiness/mild cramps/back pain/fatigue) and now they've all gone except for the back pain and with my years of retail work in cute but not exactly supportive shoes, back pain is not an uncommon occurence for me. Oh, and I've been eating everything in the house (also not uncommon, lol). And since I have zero ability to remember things I've read, I couldn't exactly remember how long a normal luteal phase is so I googled..and apparently it can be from 12 to 16 days, ugh! I was hoping for more like 12 to 14 so then I'd know to expect Af soon. Also, I was a moron and took a test a few days ago, knowing that even if by some miracle I was pg, it would be too early for a bfp, just felt like poas which has become a hobby of mine, whether it's an opk or pg test, I just like playing in my pee, lol, that's gross, sorry. So, here I sit, with no NOT pregnant symptoms to interpret like last time, how boring.. this game is not fun anymore and I want to quit but can't find the courage to do it.

Oh, and I had a weird dream last night that Dh and I were *ahem* getting busy and I realized he was wearing a condom and I was *pissed* because instead of discussing with me the fact that he didn't want to ttc right then, he just took it upon himself to wear protection. And in real life, I have no reason to even think Dh doesn't want to ttc (he even sat and watched a whole Baby Story with me last night) so I have no idea where the dream came from.

You have to plug the toaster in for it to work, genius..

Often, on my drive home from work, I think of brilliant blog topics then I promptly forget them as soon as I get home..

I do remember one topic though, because the thought occurs to me every time I drive on the highway (I didn't call it the 'interstate' because I got laughed at for a good 15 minutes for saying that at work last week.. ) New Hampshire drivers in Mass. are the equivalent of Alabama drivers in Florida. Now, no offense to anyone who lives in Alabama that reads this because I'm sure you aren't like that, mainly because you're young enough to know how to turn on your computer. But, in Florida, 98% of the time that I was stuck behind a slow moving line of traffic, the problem was an Alabama driver. It was a running joke with everyone I knew because we all had the same experiences. Now, every time I'm driving and have to pass/get stuck behind someone, they have New Hampshire plates. And, seriously, WHY in the hell do you get on the highway to drive 50? Oh, and they aren't just in the right hand lane either.. they think they're allowed to drive in any lane they please, it's infuriating. And, unlike the Alabama drivers, they aren't always old and driving Buicks, most of the time they're in SUVs and talking on a cell phone. Also, I've heard that you're more likely to get into an accident if you're driving slow and a slow driver almost got me into an accident the other day. As I was trying to pass a slow mover, another car two lanes over was doing the same thing and almost ran right into me since we started switching lanes at the same time, all because some moron didn't know how to talk and press the gas pedal at the same time! I'm pissed off just thinking about it! Get in your car and DRIVE people, it's not a freakin' parade!