Happy New Year..yay.

I find it funny how important we make one little number when it relates to the changing of a year. I mean, really, it's just one number, and January 1, 2011 won't be much different than December 31, 2010. Maybe we need to have this "fresh start" to keep us from giving up though. I don't know, I just hope that 2011 is better.

I had my 3d ultrasound today and they didn't see a septum, just a uterus sort of shaped like a heart but totally normal. So, yay? It still doesn't mean that Dh will be able to produce enough sperm for us to even attempt to get me pregnant.

And after that, Dh had his urology appointment (which they had requested I attend too). All they did was draw some blood to test and talked to us about meeting with a geneticist to determine if the cancer Dh had was genetic and if it could be passed on to his children. So, basically, as far as his counts go, if it's not a hormonal thing, it's likely a result of his chemo and then we're screwed. The end.

Originally, when we first were thinking we had a problem, I asked Dh if he would be open to using donor sperm and he was. But, now that it may be one of our only options, I don't think I'm okay with it. I just feel like that would be my child with another man. If we had to use donor eggs, I feel like that would be different because I would still be carrying the baby.

But, anyway, my head hurts and I'm tired, so no more talking about this for now, I'm going to get a drink..

Happy New Year everyone!

Oh, it's on..

My RE's nurse made my 3d ultrasound appointment for me to see if I have a septic uterus and Dh made his appointment for the urologist. They're both on the same day and in freaking Boston, what luck! Now, I like Boston, I really do, but the only place I can confidently drive to is the TD Garden because it's right off of the highway. Anywhere else I've tried to go, with a GPS or not, I've gotten miserably lost. Granted, I usually end up getting where I need to go and sometimes getting lost is fun (like when my bff was visiting and we just happened to pass a bar that I'd been wanting to visit, lucky us!) but when I need to be somewhere at a certain time, I get stressed out if it's somewhere I haven't been before. And I just looked up where Dh's urologist is in relation to where I'll be and of course, they're not within walking distance so I have to get to TWO places in one of the hardest cities to drive in. Luckily, I'll have about 3.5 hours to get to where the urologist is (no way I'm driving back home just to drive back into the city!) I think I'm going to see if Dh wants to accompany me on a test run this Sunday so I can stop worrying so much...alright, complaint session over!

Don't you love when you wake up in the morning

And think all is right in the world? Then you realize that it's not.

I had that moment the morning after our follow-up appointment. Woke up going "ahhh, another day.." then all the news of the previous day came crashing down and I went "Oh... Yeah." I've been up and down since then, it doesn't help that Af showed on Saturday and added to my already crappy mood. I can't tell how Dh is feeling though, he seems pretty normal but that's usually how he is, things don't get to him. My challenge with him is that he puts things off and while I don't blame him for wanting to put off doing another semen analysis/having his junk examined, it's been 2 years, and now that we know there is a definite problem, I feel like we need to hurry up and find out what to do next in this process. We both think the news won't be good but even so, we need to know.

In more cheerful news, Christmas is fast approaching and besides one gift I have to print from my computer/ship, I'm finished with my shopping and SO glad I get to avoid the mall and Target until after all this craziness is over. Also, we received our gifts from Dh's parents yesterday and there are about a million of these medium and small boxes wrapped for me. Dh's mom usually gets me awesome stuff so I'm super excited but Dh won't let me open them until Christmas! The presents from my mom are supposed to be here tomorrow so I may just open one of those instead.. ;)

My sangria isn't strong enough..

It's been a rough afternoon/night and after 3 glasses of sangria, I still am not buzzed enough to feel good.

The things I was most worried about weren't anything to worry about and what I didn't expect to happen happened at our RE appointment today.
After looking at my HSG films, the doctor said that he doesn't think I really have a bicornuate uterus or even a septum but he is sending me for a 3D ultrasound to find out for sure. He said all of my bloodwork and ultrasound stuff looked good, I have slight PCOS but I'm fertile and have healthy ovaries and plenty of eggs.
Then he switched over to Dh's results. On his S/A, he only had about 7 million sperm, most of which weren't motile. He then said that our chances of having a child on our own is slim to none and that our best chance will be through IVF. Dh is going to do another S/A and is seeing a urologist to see if there's anything that can be corrected. (He went through chemo when he was younger and we always worried that had an effect on his reproductive stuff..) So, if we can get his sperm counts up, we'll have a good chance with IVF. But, if they don't go up, I guess unless we want to use a donor, we're done with trying to have a child of our own.
We've both been in sort of a daze since then, Dh met me at the clinic so we had separate cars and I held it together until I was in my car and out of the clinic parking lot, then I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't control myself and felt like someone had died, it was horrible and I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to get it together.
So, I guess we still don't really know what our next step will be until probably the end of January. Until then, I guess I'm off to learn about adoption..

It's the eve of my follow-up

Tomorrow afternoon, we'll finally get to meet with our RE and find out the results of all of this testing we've had done. It hasn't even been a month since we had our first meeting but it feels like a year has passed.. Dh keeps joking that the doc will say we're both completely screwed up and really, I would rather hear that we cannot have our own children that to hear that we have to have more tests and more waiting. I would love to have the experience of being pregnant but if that's not possible without IVF and/or a miracle, I feel like I would be totally okay with adopting. Dh seems totally okay with it too and tonight I finally got a straight answer out of him regarding international adoption (he's totally open to it, yay!).

SO, by this time tomorrow I will know our next steps...what do I do until then?