Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Too much to say, not enough time..

I have barely had time to breathe since I started working again. I told myself I wouldn't become a workaholic (again) and wouldn't go back to working 40 hours..but I did and I already feel like I live at work (again). But, today my boss asked if I'd rather work the 32 hours she originally offered me and I made the workaholic voices in my head shut up and said "Yes, please!" I'm just so competitive at *everything* and already at this new job, I'm trying hard to be the best and the brightest but really, it doesn't matter, I don't even really want a career in retail, but I don't really know where I want a career.. I like this job but I was already starting to feel exhausted and burnt out from being there so much. It would be one thing if it were a job where I sat down and did office type things but with my line of work, I go non-stop for the entire 8 hours I'm there. I'm on my feet, running all over the store, helping customers, fixing register issues, delegating stuff to associates, merchandising, etc, etc, etc..

Anyway, I could go on and on but I have to sleep soon. SO, my not pregnant signs were really NOT pregnant signs.. AF showed up a few days ago and I'm so happy that I can hold off on taking the bcp for another cycle, hopefully this next cycle will be normal! No, not normal..hopefully this next cycle will end in a BFP!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

TTC is driving me crazy!

I'm generally a pretty logical person (although my Dh thinks otherwise!) and when I started this blog I decided I would try to write about interesting things and not blabber on about myself constantly. WELL, every time I try to come up with something to write about, all I can think about is TTC.. it's taken over my brain and I've tried to vent about it on here (and to my fabulous fellow nesties!) so I don't talk about it with every freaking person I meet. Yesterday I found myself discussing our TTC path with a co-worker that I haven't even been working with for a week yet! (Granted, she *did* ask me when we were planning to have children and she already has a child and for whatever reason I felt like sharing my story that day..) And today at work, there was a grandma walking around pushing a crying newborn-ish baby in a stroller and I wanted to go see it but instead my legs sent me in the opposite direction and I felt a (BIG) twinge of sadness. Luckily, I had all the clothing in our backroom to distract me.
And it doesn't help that I once again have crosshairs on my chart (although I still think it's possible that I o'ed right around the time I was sick and just didn't catch it since I missed a couple of temps).. and I've been having weird things going on with my body and the logical part of me knows they aren't pregnancy signs but the whacked out baby crazy part of me thinks it's possible. Google doesn't help either, apparently ANYTHING could be a sign of pregnancy! So, to help me debunk the almighty google...

Here's my list of NOT pregnant signs that I've been having lately:

1. Back pain: could be pregnancy, could be all the standing I've been doing for work
2. Sharp twinges (kind of cramps) on both sides of body: probably random cramps that mean nothing
3. Leg cramps: (I never get these but one made me leap out of bed in the middle of the night last night, then I had a good laugh thinking about how crazy I probably looked!) Also, had leg cramping tonight. Probably a fluke or I didn't have enough potassium for whatever reason, ate a banana tonight and cramps went away. Although I did have a banana last night before my leaping out of bed like an idiot episode. Probably still just a fluke.
4. Metallic taste in my mouth last night and tonight: Google said it could be pregnancy or gingivitis.. probably gingivitis.
5. More tired than usual at night: Probably just from working.
6. Lots of weird dreams: REALLY weird dreams last night (which was listed as a sign of pregnancy on one site I went on, haha). They're probably just a symptom of my impending insanity though..

Those are all of the not pregnant signs I can think of right now although I'm sure as soon as I finish this, I'll pee and it will look funny and I will think it's a pregnancy sign and then I'll trip and think it could mean I'm pregnant... I'm so sick of the word pregnant now, ugh!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Forgive me, blogland..

I haven't felt much like blogging recently as I've been working my ass off at the new store. Everything is almost total chaos right now as we train associates and re-organize merchandise, I don't even know what my schedule is for next week which stresses me out but I'm trying *really* hard to be patient about it all..
And I'm feeling a whole lot of discouragement about the ttc thing. My random 6 days of spotting turned out be neither ovulation related nor implantation related as my temp dropped and I have now had two days of ewcm, all excitement that came with the first day of having it has dissipated. (My chart is here if you care to look: Now I just feel like my body is screwing with me.. I finally sucked it up and had sex last night for the first time since my uti, I think I felt safer since I started taking cranberry supplements yesterday. So, I'd like to be excited and think that it might be O-time soon and I possibly had sex at a very good time but I'm sure it's just nothing, like it always is. I'll give it another few days and then I'll probably start the birth control pills..
I couldn't even bear to watch A Baby Story today and you know I'm feeling pretty crappy if I can't watch that!
These past few days I've just felt like all my worries are weighing me down (usually I'm good at hiding them from myself so they don't bother me constantly), I've been really bummed about my grandpa and about our house and my whacked out body and I just can't seem to shake them. I'm sure this is a passing phase, and hopefully soon I'll feel motivated and positive again, like I usually do..

Friday, July 10, 2009

I really wish our bodies came with a personalized owners manual..

We could be born with it and it would explain what every single thing that happens means in our bodies.
And now some much-needed venting about *my* body..
My temp has been up for the past two days and I don't know if it's because of my antibiotics, I hope not.
AND I started spotting today, so is it ovulation spotting? Not likely since I haven't had ewcm in a few days and my temp is already up. Could it be implantation..? I'm sure it's not cause that's just not my luck but I hate knowing that it could be that. And no matter how many times I tell myself not to get my hopes up, myself still does, I think it needs to be grounded for all of this rebelling it's doing lately.
This is all I could think about today while I tried to focus on getting our store set up, ugh!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Internet, you waste too much of my time!!

I should be folding towels and going to sleep but I felt like a blog update since a lot went down yesterday and I was too busy with a migraine to write about it. I'll try to summarize..

My Wednesday
9am: Doctors appointment to get blood work/ultrasound results, office is running behind, lots of pregnant people (and teens!) in waiting room, luckily I'm too nauseous from my antibiotics to care.

9:45am: Finally get to talk to doctor, results are all normal, she says it may be too early to try clomid and I agree, she suggests putting me on bcps for 3 months to give my system a break, I hold back the tears only until I get out of the office and call Dh.. then I lose it, taking a random 3 month break from ttc was NOT in the plan!

10:00am: Rush to new job location to finish training with other members of management

11:00am-5:00pm: Training with associates, getting to know everyone's personalities, I think we'll all get along great. I am so totally distracted by ttc thoughts that I can't be excited about this new venture.

6:00pm: In horrible mood and can't get out of it, doesn't help that my head is killing me, I snap at Dh more than once and then when I apologize, I burst into tears.

10:00pm: Decide to hold off on starting bcps until I see if this cycle is normal which will be in another couple of weeks, feel 10 times better.

11:30pm: Finally go to bed.

And today, I felt a lot better, the only people at work today were the new managers and some people from corporate so we had a lot of fun and I felt excited about the store as I should, I've always wanted to help with a store opening but it never panned out in my last job. I had tons of energy when I got home (it helped that I had more caffeine today than I've had all week, between the uti and the nausea, I haven't felt like downing my two cups of coffee, and today I only had 1/2 of one and a bottled frappuccino and I was running around like a crazy person) and I made Dh do laundry and I got to do a few of the cleaning things I wanted done before MIL comes to visit. So, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed overall.. and now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed, goodnight internet world!

Monday, July 6, 2009

I plan to rip out my entire uterus/bladder...everything!

I have been up all night with a UTI that hit me like a ton of bricks *right* before I went to bed around 2am. I noticed I had been peeing a lot for most of the afternoon but sometimes I drink tons of water without realizing it so I figured that must be the problem. I mean, I haven't had a UTI in at least 4 years or so, after having a particularly nasty one I started taking more steps to prevent getting another. So, since 2am I've been drinking tons of water, I took painkillers, I even drank baking soda mixed with my water and I've gotten exactly 1 hour of sleep. Of course we don't have any 24 hour pharmacies around here or I would have been strolling in one at 2:15 am for some anagelsic. The closest one doesn't open until 8 so I'm trying to remain calm and not rip my urethra out. And I'm praying my doctor can get me in today. I am miserable and had blood in my urine (sorry if it's tmi) and that's freaking me out. The most fabulous part of all of this is I have a freakin' doctors appointment on WEDNESDAY to discuss my test results and right after I have to start my new job. I don't have time for this! Why couldn't this have happened during all those long months where I sat around and had no obligations whatsoever?!? And I've been so good about taking steps to prevent these things.. I drink tons of water, I stopped wearing thongs, I pee right after sex.. where did I go wrong? Now I'm going to start taking cranberry supplements too and continue to take them *forever.* UGH!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I can't sleep these days...

Perhaps I should get off of the internet before 1am, then maybe I won't be all stimulated when I try to get to sleep..haha, that sounded dirty..
ANYWAY.. I miss my house, I have since we moved here.. Dh and I cried when we drove away from it, we had so many plans for that place. Occasionally (like tonight) I come across pics of it and I long to be there again. And if I'm not longing to be there, I'm thinking about it at least once every single day (and we've lived here for 6 months now). When I had my giant dramatic meltdown a couple of weeks ago, Dh offered to start looking into moving back if I'm so miserable here. But I'm not miserable and I think this is important, for us to be completely on our own. And somedays it blows my mind to think about how far away we've moved and I think this was a great idea. But, when we bought the house a year ago, I thought *that* was a great idea. It was in an (what we thought) up and coming neighborhood, it was near the beach, it was close to tons of stuff and we thought we got a great price and could start our family there and then move on once we outgrew it, and the market would be up by then and we'd get good money for it and go buy a nicer place. It was going to be the jumping off point of our awesome life. And then a few months later everything changed and now we're back in a rented apartment (that's really nice but it's still just an apartment) and in no position to buy another house any time soon. Yet we're still chugging along on the baby train and I guess I just feel unstable now. And honestly, I was dying to move away from my hometown for basically my entire life and caught a glimpse of how exciting things could be when I went away to college. But, after buying the house I had accepted the fact that I was choosing to stay there and was ready to start our family and glad to be doing it so close to all of our family. And it's not like we were forced to move, it was a mutual decision, but everyday I randomly get a flash of us moving back into our house and realize that it would make me SO happy. But, then I think I'm not giving this place enough time, I mean, I lived in Florida for 25 years, surely 6 months isn't enough time to adjust to living in a completely different place..
And I miss the winter, at least the snow was something that distracted me from my pity party..

I hope everyone experiences the devotion of a dog in their lifetime...

I happened upon this on another blog and I love it, so here it is:

He has told me more than a thousand times over that I am his reason for being -- by the way he rests against my leg, by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile, by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me).

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.

When I am angry he clowns to make me smile.

When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.

When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another person. With him, I am all powerful.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion is loyalty itself. With him, I know the secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.

He has promised to wait for me ... whenever ... wherever ... in case I need him, and I expect I will, as I always have.

Who is he? -- He's just MY DOG!

- Author Unknown

Aw, doesn't that warm your heart?

And my little doggy sniffed me out tonight, he had already gone to bed with Dh and I grabbed some cantaloupe out of the fridge (did it while the air was on so it would hopefully drown out the noise) and started snacking away when I heard a scratch at the bedroom door, he must have smelled it or something cause he was demanding to come out! I opened the door and hid my cantaloupe and he went charging right to the desk, where the open cantaloupe container was sitting and then he proceeded to stare me down until I gave him a piece, haha.