Happy New Year..yay.

I find it funny how important we make one little number when it relates to the changing of a year. I mean, really, it's just one number, and January 1, 2011 won't be much different than December 31, 2010. Maybe we need to have this "fresh start" to keep us from giving up though. I don't know, I just hope that 2011 is better.

I had my 3d ultrasound today and they didn't see a septum, just a uterus sort of shaped like a heart but totally normal. So, yay? It still doesn't mean that Dh will be able to produce enough sperm for us to even attempt to get me pregnant.

And after that, Dh had his urology appointment (which they had requested I attend too). All they did was draw some blood to test and talked to us about meeting with a geneticist to determine if the cancer Dh had was genetic and if it could be passed on to his children. So, basically, as far as his counts go, if it's not a hormonal thing, it's likely a result of his chemo and then we're screwed. The end.

Originally, when we first were thinking we had a problem, I asked Dh if he would be open to using donor sperm and he was. But, now that it may be one of our only options, I don't think I'm okay with it. I just feel like that would be my child with another man. If we had to use donor eggs, I feel like that would be different because I would still be carrying the baby.

But, anyway, my head hurts and I'm tired, so no more talking about this for now, I'm going to get a drink..

Happy New Year everyone!

Oh, it's on..

My RE's nurse made my 3d ultrasound appointment for me to see if I have a septic uterus and Dh made his appointment for the urologist. They're both on the same day and in freaking Boston, what luck! Now, I like Boston, I really do, but the only place I can confidently drive to is the TD Garden because it's right off of the highway. Anywhere else I've tried to go, with a GPS or not, I've gotten miserably lost. Granted, I usually end up getting where I need to go and sometimes getting lost is fun (like when my bff was visiting and we just happened to pass a bar that I'd been wanting to visit, lucky us!) but when I need to be somewhere at a certain time, I get stressed out if it's somewhere I haven't been before. And I just looked up where Dh's urologist is in relation to where I'll be and of course, they're not within walking distance so I have to get to TWO places in one of the hardest cities to drive in. Luckily, I'll have about 3.5 hours to get to where the urologist is (no way I'm driving back home just to drive back into the city!) I think I'm going to see if Dh wants to accompany me on a test run this Sunday so I can stop worrying so much...alright, complaint session over!

Don't you love when you wake up in the morning

And think all is right in the world? Then you realize that it's not.

I had that moment the morning after our follow-up appointment. Woke up going "ahhh, another day.." then all the news of the previous day came crashing down and I went "Oh... Yeah." I've been up and down since then, it doesn't help that Af showed on Saturday and added to my already crappy mood. I can't tell how Dh is feeling though, he seems pretty normal but that's usually how he is, things don't get to him. My challenge with him is that he puts things off and while I don't blame him for wanting to put off doing another semen analysis/having his junk examined, it's been 2 years, and now that we know there is a definite problem, I feel like we need to hurry up and find out what to do next in this process. We both think the news won't be good but even so, we need to know.

In more cheerful news, Christmas is fast approaching and besides one gift I have to print from my computer/ship, I'm finished with my shopping and SO glad I get to avoid the mall and Target until after all this craziness is over. Also, we received our gifts from Dh's parents yesterday and there are about a million of these medium and small boxes wrapped for me. Dh's mom usually gets me awesome stuff so I'm super excited but Dh won't let me open them until Christmas! The presents from my mom are supposed to be here tomorrow so I may just open one of those instead.. ;)

My sangria isn't strong enough..

It's been a rough afternoon/night and after 3 glasses of sangria, I still am not buzzed enough to feel good.

The things I was most worried about weren't anything to worry about and what I didn't expect to happen happened at our RE appointment today.
After looking at my HSG films, the doctor said that he doesn't think I really have a bicornuate uterus or even a septum but he is sending me for a 3D ultrasound to find out for sure. He said all of my bloodwork and ultrasound stuff looked good, I have slight PCOS but I'm fertile and have healthy ovaries and plenty of eggs.
Then he switched over to Dh's results. On his S/A, he only had about 7 million sperm, most of which weren't motile. He then said that our chances of having a child on our own is slim to none and that our best chance will be through IVF. Dh is going to do another S/A and is seeing a urologist to see if there's anything that can be corrected. (He went through chemo when he was younger and we always worried that had an effect on his reproductive stuff..) So, if we can get his sperm counts up, we'll have a good chance with IVF. But, if they don't go up, I guess unless we want to use a donor, we're done with trying to have a child of our own.
We've both been in sort of a daze since then, Dh met me at the clinic so we had separate cars and I held it together until I was in my car and out of the clinic parking lot, then I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't control myself and felt like someone had died, it was horrible and I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to get it together.
So, I guess we still don't really know what our next step will be until probably the end of January. Until then, I guess I'm off to learn about adoption..

It's the eve of my follow-up

Tomorrow afternoon, we'll finally get to meet with our RE and find out the results of all of this testing we've had done. It hasn't even been a month since we had our first meeting but it feels like a year has passed.. Dh keeps joking that the doc will say we're both completely screwed up and really, I would rather hear that we cannot have our own children that to hear that we have to have more tests and more waiting. I would love to have the experience of being pregnant but if that's not possible without IVF and/or a miracle, I feel like I would be totally okay with adopting. Dh seems totally okay with it too and tonight I finally got a straight answer out of him regarding international adoption (he's totally open to it, yay!).

SO, by this time tomorrow I will know our next steps...what do I do until then?

Two posts in one day, what?!?

I forgot to mention that I started putting up my Christmas decorations today, very exciting, and we're going to get our tree tomorrow. Anyway, I was excited to see all of my decorations again (I'm up to four big boxes of stuff which is a lot for a one bedroom apartment!)

But then I remembered what I thought when I decorated last year: "I'll have a baby by next year!"

Then Christmas cheer turned into Christmas sad.. and I think my dog knew I was bummed because he stayed right with me and watched me put up all of the decorations so I kind of felt like I had a little kid helping me except he can't actually help since he doesn't have thumbs and all..

So, I'm beginning this Christmas season with the same thought I've had for the past 2 years.. "I'll have a baby by next year!" We'll see.. hopefully I'm not writing this same blog a year from now.

Yeah yeah, I'm thankful and whatever..

I was planning to write this whole sappy "things I'm thankful for" blog yesterday but I didn't. I am thankful and despite all the crappy stuff that goes on in my life, I have a great husband, a loving little dog, a supportive family, entertaining co-workers, good health, and the means to pursue parenthood.

With our follow-up appointment happening in a couple of weeks, my new plan is distraction. I've been Christmas shopping, thinking about Christmas shopping, working, thinking about work, playing ball with Brady, cleaning the house, reading magazines, eating lots of bad stuff, and anything else that doesn't involve babies or baby-making. So far it's worked.

Who isn't faring so well is Dh. I don't know if it's his distraction technique or what but he has gone on an absolute shopping spree over the past two days. In general, he's a pretty frugal guy who will buy something he wants if he sees it for a good price but, well, I'm going to list for you what he's purchased since 3am Thanksgiving morning (and he did it all online, we're going to be swimming in boxes!):
-A netbook
-NBA video game
-2 Flat Screen tvs (one for his mom which she's paying him back for)
-Keurig coffee maker (for me, yay!)
-$50 Itunes gift card (also for me)
-Two mini video cameras (one's for his sister)
-Deep fryer

And okay, two of the things are for me but I did not request them, he just bought them and said "Hey, I got a good deal on these for you!"

And now I've found a new thing to be thankful for, Black Friday is over and hopefully everyone can stop posting all of their "great deals" until Cyber Monday, when DH will be at work. ;)

My uterus is evil..

Had the HSG today, which I wish I could say was easy and I would gladly have it done everyday but I can't, it sucked big time!

On the way to the hospital, I got lost (stupid gps!) and was 10 minutes late and was having visions of having to reschedule but the staff was really nice and said lots of people get lost and not to worry. I filled out some paperwork, changed into a gown and was ushered into the x-ray room which was WAY more intimidating than I expected. It was all dark and had a giant flat table in the middle with machines all around and a tray set up with all the tools they needed, I took a deep breath and said a prayer at that point.

The doctor explained that some people have cramping when the catheter is inserted so I should expect that, she told me when she was doing it and I felt a slight pinch but that was it so at that point I was feeling pretty optimistic.

THEN she started inserting the dye, at first it was just some pressure but then one of my tubes spasmed and she had to start pushing it in harder while having me lay on my right hip then on my stomach then on my back again. I actually exclaimed to the room how much pressure and pain I was feeling which is not like me, I usually grin and bear it when having things done. After a few agonizing seconds (that felt like HOURS), it was over and I could go. I almost lost it in the bathroom because I started thinking "If that was that horrible, how am I going to manage to have a kid?!?"

Then I almost started crying when I got to my car because I was still feeling lots of pressure and needed to get home and I had NO idea where I was and didn't trust the gps anymore.

But, I managed to get home and felt much better by the time I got here. Then I checked the mail and saw my dad sent me a Cracker Barrel gift card for Thanksgiving (with some extra money on it for the gift shop).

THEN I started crying.

So, I had a good cry, called my dad and grandparents to tell them how it went. Then I started googling what the doc told me, apparently I have a bicornuate uterus or a "horned uterus" (when she told me that, I thought, 'AHA, so it's my evil uterus that's keeping me from getting pregnant!') but now that I google it (and I wish I hadn't), I could also have a septum which I will probably need an MRI to diagnose and possibly surgery to remove it. And I'm also more prone to miscarriages, great. Now I'll anxiously wait for my follow up appointment in December to see what the RE has to say. I thought after today, I would be done and could come up with a plan to get pregnant but now I might have to have more procedures, seriously, universe?!?

The day has come..

It's the eve of my HSG. I'm trying really hard to not make a big deal out of it but I'm failing miserably! I'm sure it will be nothing when I have it done and even if it hurts, it won't take long but OMG, I'm scared! I thought that the hospital I'm going to was near one of my favorite malls so I planned to go there before to do some Christmas shopping and distract myself but after looking up directions, I found out that it's not near the mall at all. It is near my favorite ice cream place though.. and I will have to pass it on my way home, so if I don't die during the procedure, I'll treat myself to an ice cream! Yay for ice cream and not dying!

I'm an official member of the club..

I guess I am anyway, now that I've been to an official fertility center, had 14 vials of blood drawn and been probed by the internal ultrasound. Oh, and I have an HSG scheduled for next week (and I'm scared!)

It's probably a weird thing to say but I enjoyed my early morning at the fertility center despite the blood and the probing. I saw many other women in the waiting area and just knowing that they are going through what I'm going through made me feel a sense of camaraderie with them. No one was chatting but we all exchanged smiles when we passed one another (and there were no baby magazines or babies to be seen, the center has a 'no kids' policy, nice!) I almost started crying after I left because I felt relief to finally be on my way to becoming a real mom (and not a dog mom, which I enjoy being but people look at me weird when I tell them I have a furry kid, lol). I also felt relief to know what I always knew deep down but hadn't actually felt before..

I'm not alone.

It's going to snow!

Not a lot and not enough to stick to the ground and the weather people are not 100% positive about where/when/if it's going to snow but I think it will and I'm very excited about it! It's been so cold and dreary for the past few days and I'm sick of it. While the snow is annoying to clean off the car/drive in, I do enjoy taking Brady out to play in it (he *LOVES* trying to catch snowballs and digging and sticking his face in deep snow). His little fuzzy faced enthusiasm is so infectious, I can't help but love going out in the freezing temps with him.

I also need something exciting/fun to happen. This weekend was my first weekend off since I went home in September, I was so excited about it, I had big plans for it. Then, on Thursday, I came down with a nasty cold and have spent most of the weekend in bed. Oh, and on Friday night, AF came to town, way ahead of schedule, I never even ovulated! So, needless to say, this weekend was a complete bust besides my delicious visit to Cracker Barrel today, that place just tastes like home.

And I did watch Bridget Jone's Diary for the 500th time and Elf for the 100th time AND I bought three Christmas gifts so, the weekend wasn't a complete bust.

And so it begins..again..

On November 11th, we will officially start our trip down Fertility Center Lane.. I've made the appointment, I've spoken to the insurance company, I have the form for my gyno to fill out.. this is good, it keeps me busy and focused on something other than "Why the *%#@ can't I get pregnant?!?"

I can't believe it's come to this point..

$714

That's how much I've spent on one doctor visit and one round of bloodwork that took place in April. It doesn't even include the three rounds of clomid and opks that went with it. Luckily, we have different insurance now that I believe is better but holy crap.. $714 for nothing, the tests all came back fine, the clomid made me ovulate but I'm still not freaking pregnant. I'm currently waiting for my doctor to call me back to give me a referral to an RE but since I called her at 10:30 and have yet to hear from her (and I have to leave for work in half an hour..), I'm sure this process will be dragged out for another day at least. Regardless, I'm terrified of how much I will actually spend before I have a baby or before I give up.. ugh!

I thought I was a better blogger than this..

I felt like I had been posting entries pretty regularly but I haven't been.. I just posted on the previous Saturday nights that Dh was out on the town with his boy friend who was visiting (lol @ my use of "boy *space* friend"). I just came on here to see what my favorite bloggers are up to and realized that I haven't posted anything since August, what a slacker I am! I really don't know what to type about but I'm slightly buzzed from the two pina coladas that I just had after watching Pregnant at 70. Seriously? These people are having children post-menopause? Wow.. You do know that nature has a reason for everything, right? Maybe it makes you unable to conceive after a certain age because the odds of you living to see your children reach adulthood are lower.. I was seriously disturbed by that show and I only half-watched it while I was making dinner. So, I made myself some drinks in celebration of my not being pregnant and being able to drink whatever the crap I want, yippee for me. The downside of this is now I'm out of my pina colada stuff so I can't have anymore until I go to the store.. what are the odds that Dh will stop and get me some on his way home?

Oh well.. until next time, blogger friends.. cheers!

Thanks, Blogger

I've been having a hard time getting out of my AF funk this time. In the past, I would be devastated when Af showed but would be optimistic again by the time she was over. It's just not happening that way this time. I think it's the dread of what's to come with going to the fertility center. I know it's going to be mean more testing, more obsessing over my cycle, and possibly thousands of dollars.

It's really becoming a distinct possibility that I may never become pregnant and will have to adopt to have children, which is fine, I'll do what it takes, but that would be another whole long process that I know nothing about. So, now I'm looking at years and years of being childless and that's really depressing considering the ache I feel when I think about how badly I want children.

To try to rid myself of my funk, I've decided to rid my life of potential baby things, I'm not checking mamabargains or babysteals, I'm not looking at the baby section of Target, and I'm trying very hard to make myself delete my bookmark folder filled with things I might want for my imaginary baby. As part of my 'cleansing,' I decided to unfollow blogs that are about babies, this doesn't include you girls that I "know" that just had babies, I'm talking about blogs that I follow that are all about decorating kids rooms, reviews of baby products, etc.. The problem is, I can't freaking figure out how to unfollow them! I clicked on the blogs and couldn't find anything, I clicked "manage" under my blog dashboard and there was no option to unfollow like blogger help said there would be. I can't believe it's seriously this hard to delete some blog subscriptions! If anyone has any other insight, please clue me in!

It's Saturday night.

And I'm blogging. Deep down in my subconscious my 20 year old self is kicking my 27 year old self's ass for being so lame.

But, I actually have something to discuss on here and I hope that I can convey what I've been thinking lately.

No surprise to any of you, Dh and I have been trying for baby #1 since October of '08 with not so much as a faux bfp, I just finished my third cycle of clomid which ended yet again with AF showing and me crying in the shower, and now my doctor is going to refer me to a fertility clinic for more testing and a new game plan.

And even after two years of this emotional roller coaster, most of our family still doesn't know what we're going through, not even my stepmom and dad, who went through similar things when they tried to have a kid (they never did).

So, lately I've been thinking about why people don't openly discuss infertility and I think I've figured out why I have been hesitant about telling my family which maybe can shed light on why many other people do the same.

It's simple: Infertility involves lots of sex.

I frankly don't want to share with my father that Dh and I have been at it like rabbits for 2 years now.
And when my grandmother, who knows what we're going through, asks how "things" are going, I can't exactly say "Well, I ovulated the other day so I forced Dh to have sex with me all day everyday for three days, we'll see if it worked in a few weeks!!" I can't say that..can I?

So, while others don't discuss their infertility because they feel ashamed or don't want to disappoint their loved ones, I just don't do it because I don't want everyone I know to have that much information about my sex life. The end.

I need more of the OC dvds!

I finished Season 2 yesterday and realized that I don't have season 3, what the hell?!? So, now that my life is empty and meaningless..
I'm putting in my notice at my job tomorrow! I'm moving on to yet another retail job but really, who am I kidding? I'm not going back to school to get some magical degree that will give me a meaningful job and frankly, I don't know if those kinds of jobs exist. So, I'm moving on to greener pastures with a more challenging/higher paying position at a company I've been dying to work for for years and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't hate it. That's usually what happens with things I want really, really bad, I either:

A. Don't get it.
or
B. Hate it.

And speaking of things that I want and don't get, my doc is giving me one more cycle of clomid before she's referring me to a fertility center, um, yay? I found this out after spinning my head around three times and yelling at Dh to make an appointment with a urologist. So, logically, we could just wait until we go to the fertility center because, well, we all know that this cycle won't work either. But, he's not getting out of it that easy. ;)

I'll jump on the bandwagon.

And make a post about the things I'm thankful for. I know I tend to whine on here because it's my only place to vent but I actually have a pretty blessed life. So, I would like to say that I'm thankful for:

1. My marriage. It's not always awesome and it's way different than I expected it to be but some days I look at Dh and can't believe I managed to marry such an amazing/patient/loving/stable guy.

2. My furbaby. He may not be a real baby but I love him so much it hurts, he's constantly surprising me and making me proud (especially on our walk yesterday when he ignored a passing dog and sat/stared at me, I couldn't believe it! I even talked to the dogs owner for a moment and he just kept sitting in front of me.)

3. My family (part of it). My mom/stepdad/mom's parents have always been unbelievably supportive and gotten me out of sticky situations, I only hope that now that I'm an adult, I can somehow repay the millions of favors they've extended to me.

4. My job. Alright, so I don't wake up excited to go to work ever but my job is pretty easy, my co-workers are damn hilarious and while the customers are nuts, at least they're entertaining!

5. My health. Besides the whole infertility thing, I've been very healthy my whole life and I trust my body to keep me healthy for a long time to come. Oh, and I'm thankful for my metabolism too.. with the way I eat, I would be a disaster without it, scary!

So, I guess that's a pretty basic list of things to be thankful for.. maybe in the future I'll try to do a more specific weekly list.

Ugh.

FML! I tried really hard to find an angry picture to put here but nothing quite fit my anger/extreme sadness so I gave up.

Being left behind yet again...

We've had another wave of bfps over on my favorite board and while I'm genuinely happy for all of them, some of the girls have been trying for so long and have overcome so many obstacles, I feel like I'm being left behind again. I have no real reason for this as I am around 14 dpo and Af hasn't showed but I know she will just like she does every cycle. And it's going to suck and it will mean moving on to another round of clomid, another round of praying it works and worrying about timing and opks. I really really want to be hopeful but I can't, partly because if I do, I'll be even more crushed. Some of the girls on the board are part of a blog, called Bloomin' Babies and everyone is a something "bud." I could be "Pessimist Bud," or "Glass half empty Bud" haha.

I bought fancy ovulation tests this cycle..

Because since I'm already hyped up on Clomid, I may as well go all out on the test strips! So, I spent 30 bucks on the Clearblue Easy digital tests which show a smiley face if they detect an LH surge and an empty circle if they don't. I thought, "Finally, I'll stop staring at those two stupid lines and wondering if I'll ever see that on a pg test!"
So, this morning, I took my first new O-test, saw the empty circle and the first thought that came to mind was "Empty, like my uterus." *facepalm*

I'm generally pissed at the whole world most days..

On the news, they told a story of some cats that were doused in gas and that had to be put down because it seeped into their organs. The story focused on who could have done it and what mean people they are and I get that, it shouldn't have been done and the people who did it should pay. But, I also am angry at the owners and I hope they're angry with themselves and learn something from this. Domesticated animals are not meant to be outside. If someone's 2 year old child was left outside to wander freely and do what it wants, the parents would be sent to jail. I feel the same way about the animals, they're helpless, they rely on their owners for protection and they trust their owners to keep their best interest in mind and when they don't, it's always the poor animal that suffers. I've discussed this several times with people I know that let their cats outside and most of the time their excuse is usually one of two things:

1. "My cat doesn't leave the yard."
2. "But they love going outside so much and won't leave me alone until I let them out."

Seriously, unless you are constantly watching your cat while it's outside, you don't know what it does and if your kid begs you to let it light it's hair on fire, you still won't let it because you know it's not safe!

Sometimes, I don't think I can handle hearing any more stories of animals who have morons for owners and I don't think anything I say or do will make any difference. Maybe I'll stop watching the news and going on the internet. And I'll stop talking to anyone at all.. just to be safe.

Can't we just deport all of the morons?

I need to speak to intelligent people right now! I've had stupid flying at me from every direction lately and I can't take it anymore. Thankfully, I have tomorrow off so if I can just avoid facebook, I think I'll be able to avoid hearing/seeing anything ridiculous.

Oh, and sorry I haven't posted anything in a while.. I felt like I was being too whiny and negative and was sick of having a pity party on here. (I swear I'm not that whiny and negative in real life!)

And as far as the TTC situation goes, I'm starting clomid once this cycle ends (hopefully in 12 more days once I finish my provera!) I found a new doctor who spent a great deal of time talking with me about ttc and learning as much as she could about my situation. That was refreshing after the multiple appointments I had last year that would be all of about 5 minutes long and would leave me feeling like the doctor didn't give a crap about me.

So, I'm cautiously optimistic right now and so glad I'm finally moving forward.

I'm warm, finally!

Some days, I get cold and can't warm up no matter what I do. Today was one of those days.. Dh and I went out to lunch and I was fine but once we got home, I was freezing! Our thermostat was on it's normal 72 degree setting and I was wearing my normal pjs with a sweatshirt so why was I so cold?!? I'll never know. I turned on the fireplace and laid in front of it with a huge blanket on top of me and I was still shivering. So, I finally got up and plugged in my electric blanket and made some tea. Now, two cups of hot tea and several minutes of sitting here with my blanket on me, I'm warm. Actually, I'm hot and feel like I'm about to start sweating but I'm so happy to not be cold anymore, I'm not moving.

And is it just me or does it feel like it's been cold here non-stop for the past year? Sometimes, I miss Florida..

Okay, so now I may just start hating the snow..

Like a proper New Englander! Tomorrow marks the beginning of my 7 (unpaid) days off, 6 days I took off to spend with my Bff (with an extra day at the end for recovery, haha). But, as of 10pm tonight, both flights she had to get here were canceled because of the stupid snowstorm! It doesn't help that she's coming from Ohio and was connecting in DC.. and last I heard, she had been on hold for a very long time with the airline, trying to reschedule her flight. Not a good way to start a trip!

I think I'll go punch the snow in the face when it gets here.

Today I escaped my life..

For about 6 hours.. I watched The OC, oh yes, sexy people doing sexy, scandalous things, it was a must see back in the day and I forgot how much I love it..until today when, on a whim, I put on one of the dvds. I was just going to watch one episode..then I would go do the things I needed to do today.. then I watched another..and another. And then, I had to take the dog for a walk and Dh came home and then he said he had some stuff to do so I could watch whatever..so I put on another dvd and watched many more.. it was glorious. And it transported me back to a time when life was easy and fun.. and I plan to make it that again, somehow.

LMAO at this fertility blog

BBT -Barren but terrific!!

http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

I should really learn to go to bed when I'm tired..

The over-analyzing phantom symptoms fun has started again even though I could have only o'ed last night (but there is a very slight possibility that I could have o'ed about 12 days ago), let's see what google has to say..

1. Very emotional (was crying pretty much non-stop watching Pet Psychic on Animal Planet..for two hours.): probably some sort of mental disorder..

2. Pinching feeling in my uterus last night: probably something I imagined because I read on the Gp board the day before that a girl had that as a pg symptom and I thought "What a weird thing to feel..." and then the next night, I swear to you, it felt like someone was inside my body and pinching me down where I assume my uterus (or bladder..) is! And I couldn't find anything on google.. so I'm thinking this could also be some sort of mental disorder.

3. Lots and lots of creamy cm: I can't remember if this normally happens before Af or not.

4. Random cramps: I get these all the time, especially during the last half of my cycle but I always hold out hope that they mean something.

5. Headaches every night for the past 5 days: probably leftover symptom of cold I had last week

And I'll stop now.. I'm sure I'll have more things to add up until Af shows just like she always does, yippee..