So, it's back to this not sleeping thing again..

Some recent events have granted me insomniac status yet again, I was awake for the first announcements that Sen. Kennedy had passed and that certainly didn't help me sleep again, so sad. I'm going to c/p my post to my fellow Boston nest ladies about my grandmother, I call it my "rude awakening" because even after you know people for 26 years, you still don't really "know" them:

My grandmother called me yesterday and is all upset and overwhelmed because my grandfather has cancer and has been going through surgeries and chemo for the past few months and she's been basically completely dependent on him since they got married 55 years ago. So, now she's having to be in charge but she has no shortage of family to help (they live in my hometown). Well, a recent event makes it quite possible that my grandparents will be driving 6 hours alone to have my grandfather's feeding tube fixed since it's started to fall out. My grandfather is by no means comatose or anything and my grandmother is perfectly healthy so this is not an unreasonable thing for them to do. WELL, on the phone call, my grandmother starts out b!tching about my mom which is fine, sometimes we need to vent, but then she starts saying that they're going to have to have their 3 perfectly healthy dogs put down because they can't take them on the trip and they have no one to keep them and they're going to have to make several more trips to the cancer center before my grandfather is better. So, I started out explaining that my mom would watch them (it's the trip that she can't go on) or they could board them, etc.. but there was no talking my grandmother down, she kept going on and on and I finally was yelling at her, telling her she's ridiculous, etc, and she finally says "I didn't mean to upset you and I love you, but I won't be calling you ANYMORE."

Seriously?!? I've always been close to my grandparents and we've been through a lot together, she's going to just write me off for arguing with her one time? AND, her dogs are like her children and her first thought when it comes to what to do with them is to kill them? She's obviously off her rocker and has had a nervous breakdown once before.. But I just feel like I've seen a side of her I never knew was there and she has totally fallen off the pedestal that I had her on for so long and it hurts. Grandparents are supposed to be wise and patient and compassionate which mine were, up until yesterday.

And the dogs are fine, my grandmother loves her dogs more than anything and I don't honestly believe she would do anything to harm them. I called my mom and she also assured me that my grandfather wouldn't let my grandmother even try to have them put down.. and I called my grandmother's niece and she went to visit yesterday and my mom did as well. I just wish I was there to help too. And I feel bad for my poor grandfather who just needs to rest and instead he gets to deal with lunatic woman, ugh..

So, this has been what I think is my first big 'adult' rude awakening, apparently the world's not made of lollipops and cotton candy!

(And what is keeping my parents from going with my grandparents on their trip is my stepdad's brother in law's funeral in Texas and my brother just started the new school year, so my mom has to stay home with him, good reason, right? Well, apparently, it wasn't good enough for my grandmother.. PLUS my parents have already made plans to go with them when my grandfather has his big tumor-removing surgery in a couple of months and they'll be there for at least 8 days)

Also, I found out that one of my friends from high school died yesterday, we hadn't kept in touch but it's still sad that he's not out there living his life anymore.

AND, to update my TTC status, I get a total FAIL for temping this month, I just couldn't get back into taking it around the same time and so they were all over the place and I had a temp spike (no ewcm though) and CH's for almost a week before they went away so that was really discouraging and then I had ewcm for about 3 days last week, so I'm hoping that I actually O'ed (I had an epic fail with the opks!) because I had sporadic ewcm last cycle so I think it was anovulatory. BUT, this cycle I had lots of creamy (which was weird for me) and then those 3 days of ew and then nothing since then. So, fingers crossed, AF will show in the next couple of weeks (at this point, if I get a bfp, great, but having Af and a normal cycle would be almost as awesome), I'm almost.. almost sick of this whole TTC game and am thisclose to giving up and just letting what happens happen, we can always adopt in a few years..

Well, someone has to set a bad example!

Nearly every day I think to myself "Self, today, we're going to eat nothing but healthful things, stay away from any baked goods that may cross our path, we'll find time to do yoga, we'll take the dog on longer walks and we'll like it!" But, then I get a craving for funfetti cupcakes and I buy the mix, manage to not make them for a few days but ultimately give in and make the whole box of them..So, now I have a dozen funfetti cupcakes plus an 8" round cake (because I only have one cupcake pan and zero patience). BUT, I made the cupcakes yesterday so now I have 5 cupcakes and 3/4 of the cake left. I ate four.. FOUR cupcakes today! I couldn't help myself, they're sitting there looking all delicious on my cake plate and my brain keeps telling me that they're going to go bad and I don't want to waste my beatiful cupcake frosting/sprinkling work. I should have made them when I was going to be working the next day so I could have shoved most of them off on my co-workers. But, I didn't.. and I ate four cupcakes in one day, plus a muffin, plus lunch at Longhorn, bbq chex mix, banana chips, and apple cinnamon cheerios with strawberries on top.

Oh, and an orange.

I heart QVC

I blame my mother for always watching that silly channel and sucking me into that world early on. To this day, it doesn't feel like the Christmas season to me until I watch QVC gift shows. And I rarely order anything which is the beauty of tv shopping, I can ooh and ahh over all the things they present and think that I absolutely must have them (and those hosts are great at making me think I *need* pretty much everything I see, last year I was convinced I needed to order an outdoor Christmas light outlet with a timer even though I had no plans to put up outdoor lights nor did I have a big enough yard to require a portable outlet). BUT, the best part is that by the time I get up and get my credit card out of my wallet, I realize I probably don't really need the item. Also, it's easy to decide to order the item later and then I'll usually forget about it by the time later comes. Oh, and don't let this Christmas season talk fool you, QVC has become a year-round staple in my world, I even dvr-ed their Dooney & Bourke show today. And yes, I could have easily looked at the bags on their website but I enjoy having them presented to me, like I have personal shoppers, haha.
But now that has convinced me that I need a new bag for the fall..and just any old bag won't do. I was at the mall earlier today and found a super cute burgundy domed bag with studs for $24.99 at Filene's, I picked it up and carried it around, trying to decide if I wanted to adopt it. Well, then, a yellow nine west fold-over bag caught my eye, it was so shiny and smooth that it made the little burgundy bag look like something from Wal-mart so I put that one back and modeled the yellow bag for a few minutes (and it was only $39.99!). By this point, Dh had made his purchase and was ready to leave and so I put the yellow bag back and decided to think about it while we did the rest of our shopping. While I was wandering about the mall, something crazy happened.. I walked right into the Coach store! I never go in there mainly because I'm not a huge Coach fan (I'm more of a Dooney & Bourke girl) but their bags were so shiny and tempting, they sucked me right in and I immediately found a super cute little green bag (and it was only $198! Cheap by Coach standards!) I modeled it around and tried to ignore the salesgirls encouragement.. and I managed to put it back and leave to find Dh, only problem was now the cute nine west bag looked like a Wal-mart special.. so I left without any new bags.
After I got home, I realized I've been using the same Dooney bag (off and on, obviously..) for at least 3 years and I brought this to Dh's attention and he, being the savvy financial professional that he is, pointed out that a bag could be an investment, either I could get 6 cheap ones or one really nice one. (And my love for him overflowed at that moment.. lol) So, I started looking at Dooney bags online and one nice one led to another which led to another..and now I'm looking at spending around 450 dollars on a bag which I know is ridiculous and I have to stop myself..but it's so pretty and awesome.. look:

Oh, I was writing a blog..

I have been so scatter brained these past two days, it's amazing I've gotten anything done..but I have and it feels awesome!! I made myself stay offline during the day (and yesterday I didn't even watch tv!) and that gave me more time to clean/run errands/cook yummy stuff. It's crazy how much time I can spend on here and not even realize it. For instance, as of right now, I've been on for about 2.5 hours and it feels like it's been 30 minutes even though I've researched hotels near the hospital where my grandfather is having his tumor removed (hopefully in a couple of months, if the chemo does it's job!) and I've looked for flights for my trip home in October (although my fabulous Dh is going to use a credit he has and book one for me tomorrow!) and I've ordered an awesome id tag for the doggy (his current one is fading fast) AND I've caught up with my fabulous nesties..more and more people are getting their BFPs everyday, very exciting for them, sad for me as I get left behind *sniff sniff*

BUT (and please excuse my hyperactive use of caps, parentheses, and exclamation points, I have tons of energy right now for no good reason at all), getting AF on my own this past cycle has helped to pull me out of my funk and I've been terrible at charting this cycle (shouldn't have taken that week of AF off..), all of my days except one have open circles but I'm so not stressed about it, I have tons of opks to use once I start seeing ewcm anyway (and I *will* see it, I have faith!)
In the meantime, I'm finding exciting things to do for myself.. first up on the agenda: taking a trapeze class or at least going for one swing on it to see if I'm up for a whole routine. Dh and I saw one at a place one weekend and I flipped out but had just eaten and didn't want to show everyone what I had so I didn't try it. But the other day I remembered it and thought "Why the hell not, I'm off this weekend, I'm going back to do it!!" And I may not make it there this weekend..but I will make it there..oh yes I will... and I will probably fall flat on my face..haha.

I'm happy and sad at the same time..am I crazy?

I often feel those two emotions simultaneously and I certainly can't be the only person like this..

Right now, for instance, I'm sad that I'm not in Florida so I can help my grandparents but I'm happy that I don't have to see my grandfather hooked up to feeding tubes and chemo pumps. I want to go home for a visit in the next couple of months but I keep putting off buying my plane ticket or setting a date which makes me feel like maybe subconsciously I don't want to go. In the past, my tardiness to something has been a good indication of my dislike for whatever it is I'm going to, I don't show up late on purpose, it just seems to happen. So, maybe this procrastination with plane ticket buying directly relates to my tardiness..I don't know, I'm too tired to think anymore.