My uterus is evil..

Had the HSG today, which I wish I could say was easy and I would gladly have it done everyday but I can't, it sucked big time!

On the way to the hospital, I got lost (stupid gps!) and was 10 minutes late and was having visions of having to reschedule but the staff was really nice and said lots of people get lost and not to worry. I filled out some paperwork, changed into a gown and was ushered into the x-ray room which was WAY more intimidating than I expected. It was all dark and had a giant flat table in the middle with machines all around and a tray set up with all the tools they needed, I took a deep breath and said a prayer at that point.

The doctor explained that some people have cramping when the catheter is inserted so I should expect that, she told me when she was doing it and I felt a slight pinch but that was it so at that point I was feeling pretty optimistic.

THEN she started inserting the dye, at first it was just some pressure but then one of my tubes spasmed and she had to start pushing it in harder while having me lay on my right hip then on my stomach then on my back again. I actually exclaimed to the room how much pressure and pain I was feeling which is not like me, I usually grin and bear it when having things done. After a few agonizing seconds (that felt like HOURS), it was over and I could go. I almost lost it in the bathroom because I started thinking "If that was that horrible, how am I going to manage to have a kid?!?"

Then I almost started crying when I got to my car because I was still feeling lots of pressure and needed to get home and I had NO idea where I was and didn't trust the gps anymore.

But, I managed to get home and felt much better by the time I got here. Then I checked the mail and saw my dad sent me a Cracker Barrel gift card for Thanksgiving (with some extra money on it for the gift shop).

THEN I started crying.

So, I had a good cry, called my dad and grandparents to tell them how it went. Then I started googling what the doc told me, apparently I have a bicornuate uterus or a "horned uterus" (when she told me that, I thought, 'AHA, so it's my evil uterus that's keeping me from getting pregnant!') but now that I google it (and I wish I hadn't), I could also have a septum which I will probably need an MRI to diagnose and possibly surgery to remove it. And I'm also more prone to miscarriages, great. Now I'll anxiously wait for my follow up appointment in December to see what the RE has to say. I thought after today, I would be done and could come up with a plan to get pregnant but now I might have to have more procedures, seriously, universe?!?

The day has come..

It's the eve of my HSG. I'm trying really hard to not make a big deal out of it but I'm failing miserably! I'm sure it will be nothing when I have it done and even if it hurts, it won't take long but OMG, I'm scared! I thought that the hospital I'm going to was near one of my favorite malls so I planned to go there before to do some Christmas shopping and distract myself but after looking up directions, I found out that it's not near the mall at all. It is near my favorite ice cream place though.. and I will have to pass it on my way home, so if I don't die during the procedure, I'll treat myself to an ice cream! Yay for ice cream and not dying!

I'm an official member of the club..

I guess I am anyway, now that I've been to an official fertility center, had 14 vials of blood drawn and been probed by the internal ultrasound. Oh, and I have an HSG scheduled for next week (and I'm scared!)

It's probably a weird thing to say but I enjoyed my early morning at the fertility center despite the blood and the probing. I saw many other women in the waiting area and just knowing that they are going through what I'm going through made me feel a sense of camaraderie with them. No one was chatting but we all exchanged smiles when we passed one another (and there were no baby magazines or babies to be seen, the center has a 'no kids' policy, nice!) I almost started crying after I left because I felt relief to finally be on my way to becoming a real mom (and not a dog mom, which I enjoy being but people look at me weird when I tell them I have a furry kid, lol). I also felt relief to know what I always knew deep down but hadn't actually felt before..

I'm not alone.

It's going to snow!

Not a lot and not enough to stick to the ground and the weather people are not 100% positive about where/when/if it's going to snow but I think it will and I'm very excited about it! It's been so cold and dreary for the past few days and I'm sick of it. While the snow is annoying to clean off the car/drive in, I do enjoy taking Brady out to play in it (he *LOVES* trying to catch snowballs and digging and sticking his face in deep snow). His little fuzzy faced enthusiasm is so infectious, I can't help but love going out in the freezing temps with him.

I also need something exciting/fun to happen. This weekend was my first weekend off since I went home in September, I was so excited about it, I had big plans for it. Then, on Thursday, I came down with a nasty cold and have spent most of the weekend in bed. Oh, and on Friday night, AF came to town, way ahead of schedule, I never even ovulated! So, needless to say, this weekend was a complete bust besides my delicious visit to Cracker Barrel today, that place just tastes like home.

And I did watch Bridget Jone's Diary for the 500th time and Elf for the 100th time AND I bought three Christmas gifts so, the weekend wasn't a complete bust.

And so it begins..again..

On November 11th, we will officially start our trip down Fertility Center Lane.. I've made the appointment, I've spoken to the insurance company, I have the form for my gyno to fill out.. this is good, it keeps me busy and focused on something other than "Why the *%#@ can't I get pregnant?!?"

I can't believe it's come to this point..

$714

That's how much I've spent on one doctor visit and one round of bloodwork that took place in April. It doesn't even include the three rounds of clomid and opks that went with it. Luckily, we have different insurance now that I believe is better but holy crap.. $714 for nothing, the tests all came back fine, the clomid made me ovulate but I'm still not freaking pregnant. I'm currently waiting for my doctor to call me back to give me a referral to an RE but since I called her at 10:30 and have yet to hear from her (and I have to leave for work in half an hour..), I'm sure this process will be dragged out for another day at least. Regardless, I'm terrified of how much I will actually spend before I have a baby or before I give up.. ugh!

I thought I was a better blogger than this..

I felt like I had been posting entries pretty regularly but I haven't been.. I just posted on the previous Saturday nights that Dh was out on the town with his boy friend who was visiting (lol @ my use of "boy *space* friend"). I just came on here to see what my favorite bloggers are up to and realized that I haven't posted anything since August, what a slacker I am! I really don't know what to type about but I'm slightly buzzed from the two pina coladas that I just had after watching Pregnant at 70. Seriously? These people are having children post-menopause? Wow.. You do know that nature has a reason for everything, right? Maybe it makes you unable to conceive after a certain age because the odds of you living to see your children reach adulthood are lower.. I was seriously disturbed by that show and I only half-watched it while I was making dinner. So, I made myself some drinks in celebration of my not being pregnant and being able to drink whatever the crap I want, yippee for me. The downside of this is now I'm out of my pina colada stuff so I can't have anymore until I go to the store.. what are the odds that Dh will stop and get me some on his way home?

Oh well.. until next time, blogger friends.. cheers!