It's going to snow!

Not a lot and not enough to stick to the ground and the weather people are not 100% positive about where/when/if it's going to snow but I think it will and I'm very excited about it! It's been so cold and dreary for the past few days and I'm sick of it. While the snow is annoying to clean off the car/drive in, I do enjoy taking Brady out to play in it (he *LOVES* trying to catch snowballs and digging and sticking his face in deep snow). His little fuzzy faced enthusiasm is so infectious, I can't help but love going out in the freezing temps with him.

I also need something exciting/fun to happen. This weekend was my first weekend off since I went home in September, I was so excited about it, I had big plans for it. Then, on Thursday, I came down with a nasty cold and have spent most of the weekend in bed. Oh, and on Friday night, AF came to town, way ahead of schedule, I never even ovulated! So, needless to say, this weekend was a complete bust besides my delicious visit to Cracker Barrel today, that place just tastes like home.

And I did watch Bridget Jone's Diary for the 500th time and Elf for the 100th time AND I bought three Christmas gifts so, the weekend wasn't a complete bust.

And so it begins..again..

On November 11th, we will officially start our trip down Fertility Center Lane.. I've made the appointment, I've spoken to the insurance company, I have the form for my gyno to fill out.. this is good, it keeps me busy and focused on something other than "Why the *%#@ can't I get pregnant?!?"

I can't believe it's come to this point..

$714

That's how much I've spent on one doctor visit and one round of bloodwork that took place in April. It doesn't even include the three rounds of clomid and opks that went with it. Luckily, we have different insurance now that I believe is better but holy crap.. $714 for nothing, the tests all came back fine, the clomid made me ovulate but I'm still not freaking pregnant. I'm currently waiting for my doctor to call me back to give me a referral to an RE but since I called her at 10:30 and have yet to hear from her (and I have to leave for work in half an hour..), I'm sure this process will be dragged out for another day at least. Regardless, I'm terrified of how much I will actually spend before I have a baby or before I give up.. ugh!

I thought I was a better blogger than this..

I felt like I had been posting entries pretty regularly but I haven't been.. I just posted on the previous Saturday nights that Dh was out on the town with his boy friend who was visiting (lol @ my use of "boy *space* friend"). I just came on here to see what my favorite bloggers are up to and realized that I haven't posted anything since August, what a slacker I am! I really don't know what to type about but I'm slightly buzzed from the two pina coladas that I just had after watching Pregnant at 70. Seriously? These people are having children post-menopause? Wow.. You do know that nature has a reason for everything, right? Maybe it makes you unable to conceive after a certain age because the odds of you living to see your children reach adulthood are lower.. I was seriously disturbed by that show and I only half-watched it while I was making dinner. So, I made myself some drinks in celebration of my not being pregnant and being able to drink whatever the crap I want, yippee for me. The downside of this is now I'm out of my pina colada stuff so I can't have anymore until I go to the store.. what are the odds that Dh will stop and get me some on his way home?

Oh well.. until next time, blogger friends.. cheers!

Thanks, Blogger

I've been having a hard time getting out of my AF funk this time. In the past, I would be devastated when Af showed but would be optimistic again by the time she was over. It's just not happening that way this time. I think it's the dread of what's to come with going to the fertility center. I know it's going to be mean more testing, more obsessing over my cycle, and possibly thousands of dollars.

It's really becoming a distinct possibility that I may never become pregnant and will have to adopt to have children, which is fine, I'll do what it takes, but that would be another whole long process that I know nothing about. So, now I'm looking at years and years of being childless and that's really depressing considering the ache I feel when I think about how badly I want children.

To try to rid myself of my funk, I've decided to rid my life of potential baby things, I'm not checking mamabargains or babysteals, I'm not looking at the baby section of Target, and I'm trying very hard to make myself delete my bookmark folder filled with things I might want for my imaginary baby. As part of my 'cleansing,' I decided to unfollow blogs that are about babies, this doesn't include you girls that I "know" that just had babies, I'm talking about blogs that I follow that are all about decorating kids rooms, reviews of baby products, etc.. The problem is, I can't freaking figure out how to unfollow them! I clicked on the blogs and couldn't find anything, I clicked "manage" under my blog dashboard and there was no option to unfollow like blogger help said there would be. I can't believe it's seriously this hard to delete some blog subscriptions! If anyone has any other insight, please clue me in!

It's Saturday night.

And I'm blogging. Deep down in my subconscious my 20 year old self is kicking my 27 year old self's ass for being so lame.

But, I actually have something to discuss on here and I hope that I can convey what I've been thinking lately.

No surprise to any of you, Dh and I have been trying for baby #1 since October of '08 with not so much as a faux bfp, I just finished my third cycle of clomid which ended yet again with AF showing and me crying in the shower, and now my doctor is going to refer me to a fertility clinic for more testing and a new game plan.

And even after two years of this emotional roller coaster, most of our family still doesn't know what we're going through, not even my stepmom and dad, who went through similar things when they tried to have a kid (they never did).

So, lately I've been thinking about why people don't openly discuss infertility and I think I've figured out why I have been hesitant about telling my family which maybe can shed light on why many other people do the same.

It's simple: Infertility involves lots of sex.

I frankly don't want to share with my father that Dh and I have been at it like rabbits for 2 years now.
And when my grandmother, who knows what we're going through, asks how "things" are going, I can't exactly say "Well, I ovulated the other day so I forced Dh to have sex with me all day everyday for three days, we'll see if it worked in a few weeks!!" I can't say that..can I?

So, while others don't discuss their infertility because they feel ashamed or don't want to disappoint their loved ones, I just don't do it because I don't want everyone I know to have that much information about my sex life. The end.

I need more of the OC dvds!

I finished Season 2 yesterday and realized that I don't have season 3, what the hell?!? So, now that my life is empty and meaningless..
I'm putting in my notice at my job tomorrow! I'm moving on to yet another retail job but really, who am I kidding? I'm not going back to school to get some magical degree that will give me a meaningful job and frankly, I don't know if those kinds of jobs exist. So, I'm moving on to greener pastures with a more challenging/higher paying position at a company I've been dying to work for for years and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't hate it. That's usually what happens with things I want really, really bad, I either:

A. Don't get it.
or
B. Hate it.

And speaking of things that I want and don't get, my doc is giving me one more cycle of clomid before she's referring me to a fertility center, um, yay? I found this out after spinning my head around three times and yelling at Dh to make an appointment with a urologist. So, logically, we could just wait until we go to the fertility center because, well, we all know that this cycle won't work either. But, he's not getting out of it that easy. ;)