People are so not helpful..

Dh and I have lived here for almost a year now.. and just last week we received a memo from our apartment complex asking for info on our dog for their records, not a big deal.. except I notice that on it is a "proof of town license" requirement. What the what??

Apparently, this is common practice up here, but in Florida, all we needed was a rabies certificate. I think this whole 'town license' business is just a way to get money, but whatever.. my point is, why didn't anyone tell us about this requirement?! Our apartment complex office knew we were moving from Florida, all of our references were in Florida so obviously that's where we've been living for years and years and since they seem to need proof of this town license, you'd think they would have told us to get one when we moved here. In January.

Then, there is the veterinary hospital, we went there in May for Brady's yearly check-up, they also knew we had just moved from Florida and that I was completely clueless about things up here (ticks and coyotes, oh my!) yet they never mentioned a town license..I just feel completely failed right now, is there anything else I should know before I accidentally walk out of my house on Zombie Day and am eaten because no one told me about Zombie Day?

It's only a matter of time versus it will never happen..ever.

I'm totally on the fence about ttc business this month.. sometimes I feel like I'm going to magically end up pregnant and I'll marvel at the days when I felt like I was never going to be a mom, how silly of me! But then my moods change and I feel like it's never going to happen unless I get mine and Dh's asses to a doctor. And I get all angry and my co-worker who knows about all this will say "You should just relax..it will happen.." and I (half)jokingly scream "I CAN'T RELAX!!!" And I can't..maybe if my body functioned correctly, it wouldn't be as bad because at least then it would be an issue of not being pregnant, not an issue of my body being whack. I stopped charting though, I was just hating myself every single morning when I had to lay still with a stupid thermometer hanging out of my mouth. My temps never really told me anything anyway and the only cycle that I think I actually ovulated was the one where I totally failed at temping. So, whatever..no temping unless I feel like it.

Making a difference

Back when I was a wee little babe, I had my whole life planned out. I would work hard in school, participate in lots of theatrical productions, go to a performing arts college, start out performing on Broadway and then transition to films and tv. And somewhere along the way, I got way off course. I've accepted it but have still struggled with deciding exactly what I want to do with my life. Finally, a few years ago I realized what I do isn't that important as long as I'm making the world a better place. So, I donated to charity, I tried volunteering, but I still didn't feel like I was making much of an impact. Then I thought, I'll become a teacher, impact the young minds of America, inspire our next generation! And after a few months (and applying to an early education degree program), that idea fizzled out, mainly because I don't think the promise of making a difference only after spending thousands of dollars and at least four more years in school holds enough weight to keep me going.

But, what I've felt deep down my entire life but never really accepted is that all of us make a difference everyday. I feel like I make the world a better place for my family, like when I found a hotel for my grandmother to stay in when my grandfather has surgery and when I joke around with my grandfather about his chemo pump and feeding tube to make this whole cancer thing seem not quite as scary as it really is. Or at work when I help someone pick out a great job interview outfit or show them how to choose clothing that makes them look their best, I like to think that helps in some small way.

I feel that this is what making a difference is really about, not donating millions of dollars to charities or whatever. It's the small things we do that inspire and encourage those around us. The end.

Happy Halloween..yay...

Dear Body,
All I'm saying is you best start acting appropriately or I'm having you committed! Seriously, this is not the way a 26 year olds body is supposed to behave. It's embarrassing when other people's bodies are happily ovulating on the same day and raising their temperatures and you are pumping out ewcm like it's going out of style. Stop it!

Let's talk about playing the "kid card"

Maybe it's my bitterness talking but I had another co-worker play the kid card the other day when asking me to switch shifts with her and it really annoyed me. I really didn't care about switching shifts because I had no plans or anything but it bothers me that even if I didn't want to switch, I wouldn't be able to say no because she has no one to watch her kid and I would look like a heartless bitch if I acted like I don't care. And honestly, I don't, it's her personal life and I hate she's in the position she's in (going through a messy divorce, etc, etc) but it's not my problem. It doesn't help that this person works in two stores and lives over an hour away from our store and I don't understand why she continues to be in our store when she still has a job at the one close to her home. When we first opened, it was assumed that she was in our store to "help" since all of us were new but here it is, 4 months later, and she's still there at least a few days a week and it doesn't look like it's ever going to stop. But, I digress..

And if someone plays the kid card, how do we know they're being honest? They could just be making up crap about their kid so they can get an extra day off. Are we supposed to assume they're trustworthy since they have a child?

And, sure, I could make up a list of excuses for not being able to switch/take someone's shift but then my guilt will bother me.. stupid conscience.

And the pity party continues..

Who knew TTC would screw with me so much? I was in Kohl's yesterday and stood outside of the baby section and pondered walking through and then thought "What's the point?" and almost started crying. In public.. not cool and not typical of me at all. Then in the grocery store today I stared at all of the delicious soy foods I used to consume daily but have stopped eating since I read that they can screw with your cycles since one of the ingredients mimics estrogen or something crazy like that. Then I thought "Who gives a crap, not eating them hasn't helped me get pregnant!" and grabbed a package of bbq riblets. Then I grumpily went about the rest of my shopping. I also watched one too many baby shows today even though each one made me cry more than the last. This whole thing has gotten out of control and I can't stop it. I know I need to admit there's a problem and get to a specialist and then see where we go from there. Maybe we'll adopt in a few years, which I'm totally okay with and even one day last week (after watching a particularly inspirational Adoption Story) I accepted it, well, at least I thought I did until the warm fuzzy feeling wore off and I was right back to the cranky "I hate my body" person I have turned into. Ugh.

Oh, and let me share what my body has been up to lately.. I thought AF was starting on CD 42 again, which is fine, but then it was pretty heavy for 2 days and went right to really light spotting for 3, totally not normal for me.. and now I've had ewcm off and on pretty much since then. AND I keep thinking I'm getting a uti but then the feeling goes away, so annoying!

It's freaking cold!

I'm feeling very out of my element with all of this cold weather in October.. back home (where I was last week) it's 85 and super humid. And leaves don't really change color there either, so all of this change up here is so strange to me. And I have so much to say about my trip and being torn between my two worlds and how exhausted I've been and how I feel like all I do is work but.. I'm tired.. and the computer battery is getting low and I don't want to move from the couch to plug it in. So, perhaps tomorrow I'll share my random and useless thoughts with you all, if you're lucky.
:P