Monday, May 2, 2011

It's the week after National Infertility Awareness Week.

Last week, had a blog thing where you were supposed to bust a myth and tons of people participated, lots of people came out of the infertility closet, and there were many many tweets with the hashtag #NIAW. But, besides giving kudos to Lifetime for playing their mini-doc "I Want a Baby" during that particular week, I didn't do anything.

I know I've said before that I don't feel like I "own" this infertility (even though I think it affects me more than Dh) because technically I'm not "infertile." And technically, right now, I'm not doing anything related to infertility besides not being pregnant. We aren't even "trying" because what's the point? I used the last of my opks a cycle ago and there isn't a pg test to be found in my house. My basal thermometer is now stored in the first aid kit because I had no better place to put it when I was packing. By all appearances, it seems I've thrown in the towel. And I wish it were that easy to forget this whole mess.

But it's not.

I still think about whether or not I'll ever be a parent.. Every. single. day.

The majority of my thinking happens at work because I spend most of my time there and it's our slow season so I have lots of downtime. Sometimes I have to stop myself because I will be at the verge of tears and a puffy-eyed, snot-nosed, sad girl isn't who people want selling them lingerie.

So, I'm trying to suck it up and wait.

I don't want to demand that Dh goes in for his surgery but I don't know what the hold up is. I know he has to figure out the best time to have it done so it doesn't interfere with his work but figure it out and make a plan already! I'm fine if he doesn't have time to have it done for 6 months, as long as I know that's when it will be done.

I've gently nudged, I've calmly questioned, and at my very worst, I've had a complete meltdown and told him how much I want to have kids already. But, he hasn't responded to a thing.

Up until now, I felt that infertility has made our marriage stronger but I don't know if I'll say the same thing a year from now.

1 comment: