My new distraction is..

Car shopping! Oh yes, Dh and I have been discussing buying a new car for me for a while since my current one is an '05 and we're getting close to paying it off. So, since our recent move chaos has died down, we've started seriously looking into cars..well, as serious as one can get while looking online.

And we HAVE to research online first because if I go and get into a car and fall in love with it, I won't care about the features or price, I will demand to have it and regret it when I find a better car for a better price later.

AND, I think we're going to get a brand new one, which I've never had before. (Dh had a brand new truck when we first met) So, I'm very excited about that.

We're looking at pretty low-priced cars so the ones I really like are the Chevy Cruze and the Honda Fit (any info anyone has on these would be appreciated).

We're also thinking about leasing since we care more about having a newer car than having an old, paid-off car so if anyone has any insight on that, I'd appreciate that as well!

So now I just want to go drive some Brand. New. Cars!!!! (that makes more sense if you read it to the tune of the Price Is Right's "Come on down!" tagline)

It's only 9:30?!?

This week has been forever long.. I've been driving to New Hampshire to work in another store because their whole staff has left (literally..by the end of next week, they will only have 2 original people remaining) and it's annoying and I miss my home store and they miss me and.. I'm tired, bleh!)

And since Dh is busy watching basketball (Go Celtics.. and whatever, looks like they're going to lose), I'm going to fill this out because it looked amusing and appropriate for my blog:

And I stole it from the PCOS: Pretty Crappy Ovary Syndrome blog

Infertility A-Z

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25, about 5 months into our marriage

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: I did want two but I could definitely see us stopping at one

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: Brady, our 4 year old cavachon, I think we are about as obsessed with him as we would be with a child

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: Most of the time I take a flintstones vitamin, stopped taking pre-natals a few months ago because they were depressing me. Oh, and I take a cranberry supplement to ward off UTIs

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid is the only one so far

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Weight, I have definitely gained weight, haha, partially because I thought my low fat/vegetarian diet was causing problems with my cycle and partially because I emotionally eat

H - HSG: 1 horrible one, but everything looked good

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: My own family telling me to just "relax" and/or adopt because they know so and so who adopted and then got pregnant.. yeah, relaxing and adopting isn't going to magically increase Dh's sperm count and if we adopt, we won't have any money left over to pay for a biological kid anyway

J - Job Title: Assistant manager at a lingerie store, fun times

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: One was already taken and at this point, I don't give a crap, I'll invent a freaking name if I have to, as long as I have a kid

L - Length of Time TTC: 2 years, 9 months.

M - Miscarriages: None

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: 0, so far we like our RE a lot, we'll see how we feel after our first treatment

O - Ovarian Quality: Excellent

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Wait for AF, I stopped getting my hopes up/wasting money a year ago

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "You need to just relax!" To which I yelled "I don't have the luxury of relaxing!!"

S - Sperm: Counts are super low and motility is awful

T - Time you Tried Naturally: about 2 years

U - Uterus Quality: Fine

V - Vagina: Uh..

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: None, I did have a onesie that I bought as a gift and ended up not giving but I donated it to Goodwill last year along with all of the flowy tops that I kept in case I wanted to wear them as maternity shirts.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Quite a few, my mom's family knows and all of my co-workers and I told my dad a few months ago so I'm sure most of his family knows as well.

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes.. I go to it.. and I need to schedule one, ugh.

Z - Zits: I've constantly been fighting my face ever since I stopped taking bcp in August '08.

It's the week after National Infertility Awareness Week.

Last week, Resolve.org had a blog thing where you were supposed to bust a myth and tons of people participated, lots of people came out of the infertility closet, and there were many many tweets with the hashtag #NIAW. But, besides giving kudos to Lifetime for playing their mini-doc "I Want a Baby" during that particular week, I didn't do anything.

I know I've said before that I don't feel like I "own" this infertility (even though I think it affects me more than Dh) because technically I'm not "infertile." And technically, right now, I'm not doing anything related to infertility besides not being pregnant. We aren't even "trying" because what's the point? I used the last of my opks a cycle ago and there isn't a pg test to be found in my house. My basal thermometer is now stored in the first aid kit because I had no better place to put it when I was packing. By all appearances, it seems I've thrown in the towel. And I wish it were that easy to forget this whole mess.

But it's not.

I still think about whether or not I'll ever be a parent.. Every. single. day.

The majority of my thinking happens at work because I spend most of my time there and it's our slow season so I have lots of downtime. Sometimes I have to stop myself because I will be at the verge of tears and a puffy-eyed, snot-nosed, sad girl isn't who people want selling them lingerie.

So, I'm trying to suck it up and wait.

I don't want to demand that Dh goes in for his surgery but I don't know what the hold up is. I know he has to figure out the best time to have it done so it doesn't interfere with his work but figure it out and make a plan already! I'm fine if he doesn't have time to have it done for 6 months, as long as I know that's when it will be done.

I've gently nudged, I've calmly questioned, and at my very worst, I've had a complete meltdown and told him how much I want to have kids already. But, he hasn't responded to a thing.

Up until now, I felt that infertility has made our marriage stronger but I don't know if I'll say the same thing a year from now.