Thanks, Blogger

I've been having a hard time getting out of my AF funk this time. In the past, I would be devastated when Af showed but would be optimistic again by the time she was over. It's just not happening that way this time. I think it's the dread of what's to come with going to the fertility center. I know it's going to be mean more testing, more obsessing over my cycle, and possibly thousands of dollars.

It's really becoming a distinct possibility that I may never become pregnant and will have to adopt to have children, which is fine, I'll do what it takes, but that would be another whole long process that I know nothing about. So, now I'm looking at years and years of being childless and that's really depressing considering the ache I feel when I think about how badly I want children.

To try to rid myself of my funk, I've decided to rid my life of potential baby things, I'm not checking mamabargains or babysteals, I'm not looking at the baby section of Target, and I'm trying very hard to make myself delete my bookmark folder filled with things I might want for my imaginary baby. As part of my 'cleansing,' I decided to unfollow blogs that are about babies, this doesn't include you girls that I "know" that just had babies, I'm talking about blogs that I follow that are all about decorating kids rooms, reviews of baby products, etc.. The problem is, I can't freaking figure out how to unfollow them! I clicked on the blogs and couldn't find anything, I clicked "manage" under my blog dashboard and there was no option to unfollow like blogger help said there would be. I can't believe it's seriously this hard to delete some blog subscriptions! If anyone has any other insight, please clue me in!

It's Saturday night.

And I'm blogging. Deep down in my subconscious my 20 year old self is kicking my 27 year old self's ass for being so lame.

But, I actually have something to discuss on here and I hope that I can convey what I've been thinking lately.

No surprise to any of you, Dh and I have been trying for baby #1 since October of '08 with not so much as a faux bfp, I just finished my third cycle of clomid which ended yet again with AF showing and me crying in the shower, and now my doctor is going to refer me to a fertility clinic for more testing and a new game plan.

And even after two years of this emotional roller coaster, most of our family still doesn't know what we're going through, not even my stepmom and dad, who went through similar things when they tried to have a kid (they never did).

So, lately I've been thinking about why people don't openly discuss infertility and I think I've figured out why I have been hesitant about telling my family which maybe can shed light on why many other people do the same.

It's simple: Infertility involves lots of sex.

I frankly don't want to share with my father that Dh and I have been at it like rabbits for 2 years now.
And when my grandmother, who knows what we're going through, asks how "things" are going, I can't exactly say "Well, I ovulated the other day so I forced Dh to have sex with me all day everyday for three days, we'll see if it worked in a few weeks!!" I can't say that..can I?

So, while others don't discuss their infertility because they feel ashamed or don't want to disappoint their loved ones, I just don't do it because I don't want everyone I know to have that much information about my sex life. The end.