New house!

We moved into our new place yesterday and instead of unpacking, I'm on here.. whoops!

I actually got online to email Dh the tv cart I want him to buy at Target today and to look for a split box spring because ours won't go upstairs. (I'm actually thisclose to buying a saw and cutting the thing in half myself because even if we buy a new one, I haven't a clue what to do with the old one because we both have cars and can't haul it off ourselves.. ) So, really, I *was* being productive.

Our new place is awesome, even though we're renting, it doesn't feel like it because it reminds me so much of something we would buy (it's actually very similar to the house we owned in Florida). The guest bedroom is the exact color that I had picked out for our potential nursery in our other house.. but I'm trying really hard not to look at that like it's a sign. (I can't count how many "signs" I've seen while ttc and I still don't have a baby..)

And the neighborhood seems pretty nice, with plenty of sidewalks for the dog to take walks on. (and he's adapting pretty well to not walking on every inch of grass he sees, i.e. people's front lawns)

So, overall, at this moment, I'm very happy with our choice, we'll see if it lasts, haha.

Alright, I need to get to the unpacking..

Oh, and I think we're going to try fertile-aid..

Does anyone have any experience with that?

I figure it can't hurt to try it to regulate my cycles/maybe increase Dh's sperm count somehow.. I mean, it's not something the doctors have suggested but I understand that supplements are not what they're trained to recommend. Dh is pretty skeptical to the effectiveness of multivitamins even (but I've convinced him to take them anyway, haha) and when I asked if he would be willing to try fertile-aid for a few months, he was up for it.. so I think I might order some..

Margaritas sure sneak up on you..

I was drinking a strawberry lime margarita.. it tasted like kool-aid, so I had another.. and another.. and now I just spent way too long trying to type "strawberry" correctly, lol.

I'm a terrible blogger, I never have anything to say except when I have updates from doctors and tests. And then it's just me whining about how awful the results are.. really.. infertility has taken over my life. At least that's what it seems like on the surface. But, really, it's not all I do. In fact, my co-workers know what I'm going through but I don't talk about it very much. Same with my family, unless I have an update, I don't have much to say about it.

I usually have funny/dumb things to say.. and since I work in retail, I have an endless array of crazy stories to share. And I'm never afraid to make a fool of myself.. I have been known to try on underwear over my clothes and dance around like a mad woman if it will get a laugh out of someone.

But, infertility, it's on my mind ALL the time. And I'm kind of in an odd position now that we have Dh's diagnosis. I mean, yes, I have mild pcos and don't ovulate every single cycle. But, his diagnosis is our main problem and I feel like I don't "own" this infertility title anymore. He doesn't really want to talk about it with everyone he meets and I feel like it's not my place to since it's not "mine."

So, I've been following all these fab people on twitter who are going through/have been through IVF and I love to let them know that I'm thinking of them while they await their latest beta results, etc, but I feel like the creepy stranger because I haven't shared anything of my own. I would share more but Dh is on twitter and follows me.. and he's generally not cool with me discussing his balls with random people. So, I continue to stalk these people and their blogs and try to find someone who has had similar circumstances. And I haven't found anyone yet.. most people I've seen that were diagnosed with MFI had blocked tubes or random reasons why they don't produce enough sperm. I'm sure there are other guys out there who had chemo when they were younger and are now having fertility issues and I'm sure they have partners who blog about it. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, I don't know.

We're moving!

Not back to Florida, like I would be super happy to do, but we're moving to a bigger place (with no upstairs neighbors, yippee!). It's not a brand new place like we've been living in for the past 2 years but it's a 2/1 townhouse that's near a lake that I take the doggy to all the time in the summer and it's right around the corner from all kinds of cute restaurants/shops.. and it's the same price that we've been paying for our 1 bedroom apartment but it's twice the space. I'm happy we'll already have a second bedroom in case we decide to start the adoption process (we're still very undecided and focusing on our move before we go forward with anything).

The only thing I'm really concerned about is that it has no central ac. I know tons of people up here don't and the summers aren't that long/hot but being a Florida girl, I've never lived without it so I'm scared! We're planning to get a couple of good window units and maybe a portable unit so hopefully it all works out..

Glad to know something works.

I was bragging to DH last night that I may be ovulating soon because I'm having all kinds of symptoms that I've been having the past few cycles (but I haven't been charting or taking opks because, well, I can't stand building up hope anymore). So, this morning, I randomly decided to take an opk for old times sake, fully expecting it to be negative because really, I can't know my body that well, can I? And boom, smiley face! So, I immediately took a pic, sent it to Dh, bragged about how well I know my body, and told him to tell his sperm to man up!

And now hope has crept back into my mind.. I mean, it only takes one little motivated sperm doesn't it? Ugh, whatever, going to go drink my green tea now..

Blame it on the clima... the clyme..something

There's a name for the chemo chemical that we can blame our fertility problems on but I can't remember it because after the doctor looked at Dh's old charts and announced the exact thing that caused his low sperm production, we were bombarded with a million other more important pieces of information. So, basically, his problems are not a result of hormone imbalances or anything that medication could fix, it's a result of the chemo he received right at the time when puberty is beginning. And instead of being totally screwed, apparently, they can do an operation to take out a piece of tissue to harvest sperm from. He would have to be put under sedation, operated on, and while he's recovering, I would have to drive the tissue to our fertility clinic and then go back to pick him up and then wait until later in the day for them to call to tell us if they got enough sperm. Then they can freeze it for us to use in an IVF cycle.

I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I had a nice breakdown in the car on the way home when Dh asked me what I thought about everything. I just didn't think it could get more complicated. If all he had to do was take some pills and do another SA before we started IVF, I would be more up for it. But, now we're talking surgery to just hopefully get enough sperm PLUS all the IVF injections, retrievals and transfers. Also, we need to meet with a geneticist to see if Dh's cancer will be passed down because we don't want to go through all of this just to have a kid who ends up suffering.

We briefly had a talk which was mostly questions after I finished my meltdown and could form a sentence without blubbering. It just seems like, is this all too much? Is it a sign that we aren't meant to have a biological child? Up until the other day, I felt like that the reason that we ended up in Massachusetts was maybe because infertility is covered by insurance here and it's not in our home state. But, now that's just complicating the matter. If we had to pay for IVF out of pocket, we wouldn't, we would just move to adoption because I'm not willing to spend all of that money on just a shot at getting pregnant.

I just don't know what to do and Dh doesn't know what to do. Maybe the dog knows what to do.. if only he could talk..

Waiting.. waiting..

I keep thinking of entertaining things to write about but then when I'm finally in front of the computer, I can't remember any of them..

Same thing happens when I talk to my family on the phone. All I feel like I've done lately is work/go home/walk the dog/eat stuff/sleep. So, when my Mom called me tonight after not hearing from me for over a week, our conversation went like this

Mom: "So, what have you been up to lately?"
Me: "Working, you know.. not much..what have you guys been doing?"
Mom: "Oh, nothing, working too.. you know.."
*GIANT SILENCE*

I'm pathetic! Without doctor appointments to keep me busy and since I no longer have to wonder why I'm not pregnant yet, I have nothing interesting to talk about! Plus, it's freezing out and we have about 10 feet of snow (okay, exaggerating.. it's more like 4 feet..) on the ground so I can't really take the dog on outings to the lake/park right now. So, in my free time, I watch tv, eat, and ask the dog why he's staring at me (Seriously, he does that a lot..)

That's it, that's my life.. until Dh's next doctors appointment, then maybe I'll have new things to think/talk about..