Blame it on the clima... the clyme..something

There's a name for the chemo chemical that we can blame our fertility problems on but I can't remember it because after the doctor looked at Dh's old charts and announced the exact thing that caused his low sperm production, we were bombarded with a million other more important pieces of information. So, basically, his problems are not a result of hormone imbalances or anything that medication could fix, it's a result of the chemo he received right at the time when puberty is beginning. And instead of being totally screwed, apparently, they can do an operation to take out a piece of tissue to harvest sperm from. He would have to be put under sedation, operated on, and while he's recovering, I would have to drive the tissue to our fertility clinic and then go back to pick him up and then wait until later in the day for them to call to tell us if they got enough sperm. Then they can freeze it for us to use in an IVF cycle.

I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I had a nice breakdown in the car on the way home when Dh asked me what I thought about everything. I just didn't think it could get more complicated. If all he had to do was take some pills and do another SA before we started IVF, I would be more up for it. But, now we're talking surgery to just hopefully get enough sperm PLUS all the IVF injections, retrievals and transfers. Also, we need to meet with a geneticist to see if Dh's cancer will be passed down because we don't want to go through all of this just to have a kid who ends up suffering.

We briefly had a talk which was mostly questions after I finished my meltdown and could form a sentence without blubbering. It just seems like, is this all too much? Is it a sign that we aren't meant to have a biological child? Up until the other day, I felt like that the reason that we ended up in Massachusetts was maybe because infertility is covered by insurance here and it's not in our home state. But, now that's just complicating the matter. If we had to pay for IVF out of pocket, we wouldn't, we would just move to adoption because I'm not willing to spend all of that money on just a shot at getting pregnant.

I just don't know what to do and Dh doesn't know what to do. Maybe the dog knows what to do.. if only he could talk..