That "so overwhelmed you might hyperventilate" feeling..

On Parenthood last night, Sarah freaked out because while her boyfriend talked about traveling to Morocco, all she could think about was how, if they're going to have a baby, they have to do it NOW because she's already 40. I thought "that's exactly how I feel!" followed by "but I'm not anywhere near 40!"

I'm 28 and I understand that I'm still "young" in terms of fertility but when I think about maybe quitting all this fertility treatment business for a few years, I almost hyperventilate because I know that in just a few short years I won't be "young" anymore and will be facing even more issues with conceiving. I don't want to wait too long and regret it.

Also, more of the reason for my freak-out besides my aging eggs, are my grandparents. They have always been a huge part of my life and always seemed so young and lively to me. But, in the past few years, they've started rapidly aging and it's beginning to occur to me with more and more frequency that it's very likely I will outlive them. I want them to know my children and I want them to be around long enough for my children to remember them. And the more time that passes, the less likely that is going to be. So, in a sense, my fertility timeline isn't really my own.

Anger.

Infertility causes lots of emotions, everyone knows this. But, the predominant emotion it has caused me to have has been anger.

When I didn't know why I wasn't getting pregnant for the first 2 years, I became angry at my body for not working the way it's supposed to. When we realized that we needed to see a fertility specialist, I was angry that we had to put so much effort into becoming parents. When we found out that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, I was angry at my body, my husband's body, God, fate, everyone in the world who accidentally became pregnant, and I could go on.

And frankly, I'd like to say that I've learned how to overcome this anger.

But, I haven't. Whenever I think about how far we've come and how far we have to go before we become parents, I'm still angry.

And I've learned to cope with/ignore my anger.. but I haven't been able to rid myself of it and I don't think I ever will.

Let's focus, please..

After being awful at blogging since.. well, since I started this whole thing. I'm once again planning to be better.

Not because I want thousands of people to read about my life.

Not because I have tons of free time.

Not because I'm an amazing writer.

But because it helps me to think things through, put things into perspective, and get things out that I would probably never say to anyone.

AND..

Just to update the things I posted about a few months ago...

I finally went to the dentist and she said my teeth are in excellent shape, my dental hygiene is exceptional, and I have one cavity that I'm having filled next week (first one I've had in my adult teeth). I also went to my optometrist, to my new pcp for a check-up, and to my annual gyno exam, so now I should be finished with docs until we (hopefully) go back to our RE. Doesn't that seem like a lot of doctors to see every year? Geez..

I'm in love with my new car. It's awful, I just want to hug it.

Dh bought a new truck about a week ago and I think he really likes it, I don't know, he never seems excited about anything (he *was* super giddy the day he brought it home). So, now I don't have to feel bad about not letting him play with my new toy since he has one too, haha.

It's been a while..

I  need to stop drinking when I think I'm pmsing.. usually when I drink, I'm a good time. But, when I'm pmsing (or think I am, I'm never 100% sure until AF shows), I go to a sad, dark place and am generally depressing.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I cleaned out the guest room closet today and had a few boxes that I wanted to move to the basement. One of those is a box full of Dr. Seuss books that I've had since I was little, I've kept them and moved them all the way up here so I could put them in our child's room. So, when I went to move them to the basement, I had to open the box and take a look. That led to an hour of flipping through my old favorites and wondering if I'll ever have a little one to read them to. See? Depressing.

Then, for whatever reason, a conversation DH and I had a few months ago popped into my head. We were discussing why we would want to pass our genes down to anyone. We're both near-sighted, my natural hair color is mousy brown, Dh started losing his hair in his early 20s, I've battled acne since high school, and while we both are on the slim side, I wonder how much of that is the fact that Dh eats like a kid and I've always had jobs that keep me on my feet and moving all day. But, we have this internal need to have a child of our own.

I didn't always have that. There was a time that I didn't think I'd ever want kids. Being pregnant to me was like having an alien living inside you! And child birth? Why would anyone want to go through that, it either messes up your junk or leaves you with a scar! I thought I would be a career woman and live happily childfree forever. I was 19. Then I started dating Dh and a couple of years in, I thought it wouldn't be so bad if my birth control (that I took religiously at the same time every single day) failed. And once we got married and started looking at houses, all I could think about was what room would be the nursery.

And here I am, 3 years later, wishing I had never wanted a baby in the first place.

See? Depressing..

There is no light at the end of this tunnel..

Is there?

I can definitely see DH and I many years from now, childless, and I'm not okay with that.

So, obviously, I have no fertility updates for the old blog since I'm still waiting.. and AF keeps showing at random intervals just to mock me.

I'm not good at sharing..

First off, I have a little brother so I am not technically an only child. But, I *was* an only child until I was 12 and am still my dad's only child so I have more of an "only child" psyche than that of an "oldest."

I spent my childhood playing with (and not having to share) my toys in my private playroom, I always had my own bathroom, and when I turned 16, my parents bought me a car that was all mine.

As you can imagine, this has presented some problems when it comes to being married and sharing a home with a boy. And my husband grew up with a sister that's only a year younger than him, he doesn't remember NOT sharing his things. He amazed me when we first moved in together and he readily let me use any of his things. I really couldn't believe it, he was so generous, so nice!

And he's still SO nice to this day, which is great. But it makes me feel like a Class A Bitch when I don't let him do things like, say, take my brand new car into Somerville, MA, one of the most populated areas in the world! (okay, I don't know that, but it seems like it) He's going to a baseball game with his sister today, he was driving to her house and taking the train into Boston. So, he wanted to drive my brand new car 20 minutes and then leave it on the mean streets of Somerville! For at least 5 hours! REALLY?!? And here's how he asked me: "I was thinking of taking your car today, if you want..." I think he was going for "If you don't mind" which would have elicited a better response from me instead of the "WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY CAR?!" that came out of my mouth (I also hadn't had any coffee yet..)

After a few minutes, I calmed down and asked if he could see my point of view.. to which he smiled and said "No, I don't.." even though I know he did.

And really, he doesn't hold a grudge about anything (a foreign concept to me!) but he's SO nice that it makes me feel awful when I act like that and as soon as he left (in his car), I wished I had let him drive my car because really, what does it matter that it's brand new? It would suck just as much if his car was damaged or stolen (and my car has Onstar so no one is getting away with taking it!)

He just wanted to play with my new toy and I forgot how to share.. :(