I thought I was a better blogger than this..

I felt like I had been posting entries pretty regularly but I haven't been.. I just posted on the previous Saturday nights that Dh was out on the town with his boy friend who was visiting (lol @ my use of "boy *space* friend"). I just came on here to see what my favorite bloggers are up to and realized that I haven't posted anything since August, what a slacker I am! I really don't know what to type about but I'm slightly buzzed from the two pina coladas that I just had after watching Pregnant at 70. Seriously? These people are having children post-menopause? Wow.. You do know that nature has a reason for everything, right? Maybe it makes you unable to conceive after a certain age because the odds of you living to see your children reach adulthood are lower.. I was seriously disturbed by that show and I only half-watched it while I was making dinner. So, I made myself some drinks in celebration of my not being pregnant and being able to drink whatever the crap I want, yippee for me. The downside of this is now I'm out of my pina colada stuff so I can't have anymore until I go to the store.. what are the odds that Dh will stop and get me some on his way home?

Oh well.. until next time, blogger friends.. cheers!

Thanks, Blogger

I've been having a hard time getting out of my AF funk this time. In the past, I would be devastated when Af showed but would be optimistic again by the time she was over. It's just not happening that way this time. I think it's the dread of what's to come with going to the fertility center. I know it's going to be mean more testing, more obsessing over my cycle, and possibly thousands of dollars.

It's really becoming a distinct possibility that I may never become pregnant and will have to adopt to have children, which is fine, I'll do what it takes, but that would be another whole long process that I know nothing about. So, now I'm looking at years and years of being childless and that's really depressing considering the ache I feel when I think about how badly I want children.

To try to rid myself of my funk, I've decided to rid my life of potential baby things, I'm not checking mamabargains or babysteals, I'm not looking at the baby section of Target, and I'm trying very hard to make myself delete my bookmark folder filled with things I might want for my imaginary baby. As part of my 'cleansing,' I decided to unfollow blogs that are about babies, this doesn't include you girls that I "know" that just had babies, I'm talking about blogs that I follow that are all about decorating kids rooms, reviews of baby products, etc.. The problem is, I can't freaking figure out how to unfollow them! I clicked on the blogs and couldn't find anything, I clicked "manage" under my blog dashboard and there was no option to unfollow like blogger help said there would be. I can't believe it's seriously this hard to delete some blog subscriptions! If anyone has any other insight, please clue me in!

It's Saturday night.

And I'm blogging. Deep down in my subconscious my 20 year old self is kicking my 27 year old self's ass for being so lame.

But, I actually have something to discuss on here and I hope that I can convey what I've been thinking lately.

No surprise to any of you, Dh and I have been trying for baby #1 since October of '08 with not so much as a faux bfp, I just finished my third cycle of clomid which ended yet again with AF showing and me crying in the shower, and now my doctor is going to refer me to a fertility clinic for more testing and a new game plan.

And even after two years of this emotional roller coaster, most of our family still doesn't know what we're going through, not even my stepmom and dad, who went through similar things when they tried to have a kid (they never did).

So, lately I've been thinking about why people don't openly discuss infertility and I think I've figured out why I have been hesitant about telling my family which maybe can shed light on why many other people do the same.

It's simple: Infertility involves lots of sex.

I frankly don't want to share with my father that Dh and I have been at it like rabbits for 2 years now.
And when my grandmother, who knows what we're going through, asks how "things" are going, I can't exactly say "Well, I ovulated the other day so I forced Dh to have sex with me all day everyday for three days, we'll see if it worked in a few weeks!!" I can't say that..can I?

So, while others don't discuss their infertility because they feel ashamed or don't want to disappoint their loved ones, I just don't do it because I don't want everyone I know to have that much information about my sex life. The end.

I need more of the OC dvds!

I finished Season 2 yesterday and realized that I don't have season 3, what the hell?!? So, now that my life is empty and meaningless..
I'm putting in my notice at my job tomorrow! I'm moving on to yet another retail job but really, who am I kidding? I'm not going back to school to get some magical degree that will give me a meaningful job and frankly, I don't know if those kinds of jobs exist. So, I'm moving on to greener pastures with a more challenging/higher paying position at a company I've been dying to work for for years and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't hate it. That's usually what happens with things I want really, really bad, I either:

A. Don't get it.
or
B. Hate it.

And speaking of things that I want and don't get, my doc is giving me one more cycle of clomid before she's referring me to a fertility center, um, yay? I found this out after spinning my head around three times and yelling at Dh to make an appointment with a urologist. So, logically, we could just wait until we go to the fertility center because, well, we all know that this cycle won't work either. But, he's not getting out of it that easy. ;)

I'll jump on the bandwagon.

And make a post about the things I'm thankful for. I know I tend to whine on here because it's my only place to vent but I actually have a pretty blessed life. So, I would like to say that I'm thankful for:

1. My marriage. It's not always awesome and it's way different than I expected it to be but some days I look at Dh and can't believe I managed to marry such an amazing/patient/loving/stable guy.

2. My furbaby. He may not be a real baby but I love him so much it hurts, he's constantly surprising me and making me proud (especially on our walk yesterday when he ignored a passing dog and sat/stared at me, I couldn't believe it! I even talked to the dogs owner for a moment and he just kept sitting in front of me.)

3. My family (part of it). My mom/stepdad/mom's parents have always been unbelievably supportive and gotten me out of sticky situations, I only hope that now that I'm an adult, I can somehow repay the millions of favors they've extended to me.

4. My job. Alright, so I don't wake up excited to go to work ever but my job is pretty easy, my co-workers are damn hilarious and while the customers are nuts, at least they're entertaining!

5. My health. Besides the whole infertility thing, I've been very healthy my whole life and I trust my body to keep me healthy for a long time to come. Oh, and I'm thankful for my metabolism too.. with the way I eat, I would be a disaster without it, scary!

So, I guess that's a pretty basic list of things to be thankful for.. maybe in the future I'll try to do a more specific weekly list.

Ugh.

FML! I tried really hard to find an angry picture to put here but nothing quite fit my anger/extreme sadness so I gave up.

Being left behind yet again...

We've had another wave of bfps over on my favorite board and while I'm genuinely happy for all of them, some of the girls have been trying for so long and have overcome so many obstacles, I feel like I'm being left behind again. I have no real reason for this as I am around 14 dpo and Af hasn't showed but I know she will just like she does every cycle. And it's going to suck and it will mean moving on to another round of clomid, another round of praying it works and worrying about timing and opks. I really really want to be hopeful but I can't, partly because if I do, I'll be even more crushed. Some of the girls on the board are part of a blog, called Bloomin' Babies and everyone is a something "bud." I could be "Pessimist Bud," or "Glass half empty Bud" haha.