Okay, I suck.

I can't seem to type anything interesting lately. All of my infertility stuff is on hold until the husband decides when to have his surgery. All of my thought processes are the same as they were a year ago. I'm still angry/bitter/sad/overwhelmed/confused every day.

I'm also trying to enjoy my life/figure out what to do with myself. I've enrolled in school again and am taking one online class at the moment. (It's a math class, which is why it's the only one I'm taking cause I suck at math and this class is freaking hard!) I don't know what my eventual major will be but I do know I want to take more than one class at a time, ha.

I also joined Pinterest and wow, what a holy time waster! I get sucked into that site and don't surface until 3 hours later sometimes. (I'm ctheserocks, btw, if you want to see all my useless ideas for transforming my house (that I don't own..lol) into something incredible. I also have a board for my imaginary baby which I think probably does more harm than good most days..)

So, I'll be around..

That "so overwhelmed you might hyperventilate" feeling..

On Parenthood last night, Sarah freaked out because while her boyfriend talked about traveling to Morocco, all she could think about was how, if they're going to have a baby, they have to do it NOW because she's already 40. I thought "that's exactly how I feel!" followed by "but I'm not anywhere near 40!"

I'm 28 and I understand that I'm still "young" in terms of fertility but when I think about maybe quitting all this fertility treatment business for a few years, I almost hyperventilate because I know that in just a few short years I won't be "young" anymore and will be facing even more issues with conceiving. I don't want to wait too long and regret it.

Also, more of the reason for my freak-out besides my aging eggs, are my grandparents. They have always been a huge part of my life and always seemed so young and lively to me. But, in the past few years, they've started rapidly aging and it's beginning to occur to me with more and more frequency that it's very likely I will outlive them. I want them to know my children and I want them to be around long enough for my children to remember them. And the more time that passes, the less likely that is going to be. So, in a sense, my fertility timeline isn't really my own.

Anger.

Infertility causes lots of emotions, everyone knows this. But, the predominant emotion it has caused me to have has been anger.

When I didn't know why I wasn't getting pregnant for the first 2 years, I became angry at my body for not working the way it's supposed to. When we realized that we needed to see a fertility specialist, I was angry that we had to put so much effort into becoming parents. When we found out that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, I was angry at my body, my husband's body, God, fate, everyone in the world who accidentally became pregnant, and I could go on.

And frankly, I'd like to say that I've learned how to overcome this anger.

But, I haven't. Whenever I think about how far we've come and how far we have to go before we become parents, I'm still angry.

And I've learned to cope with/ignore my anger.. but I haven't been able to rid myself of it and I don't think I ever will.

Let's focus, please..

After being awful at blogging since.. well, since I started this whole thing. I'm once again planning to be better.

Not because I want thousands of people to read about my life.

Not because I have tons of free time.

Not because I'm an amazing writer.

But because it helps me to think things through, put things into perspective, and get things out that I would probably never say to anyone.

AND..

Just to update the things I posted about a few months ago...

I finally went to the dentist and she said my teeth are in excellent shape, my dental hygiene is exceptional, and I have one cavity that I'm having filled next week (first one I've had in my adult teeth). I also went to my optometrist, to my new pcp for a check-up, and to my annual gyno exam, so now I should be finished with docs until we (hopefully) go back to our RE. Doesn't that seem like a lot of doctors to see every year? Geez..

I'm in love with my new car. It's awful, I just want to hug it.

Dh bought a new truck about a week ago and I think he really likes it, I don't know, he never seems excited about anything (he *was* super giddy the day he brought it home). So, now I don't have to feel bad about not letting him play with my new toy since he has one too, haha.

It's been a while..

I  need to stop drinking when I think I'm pmsing.. usually when I drink, I'm a good time. But, when I'm pmsing (or think I am, I'm never 100% sure until AF shows), I go to a sad, dark place and am generally depressing.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I cleaned out the guest room closet today and had a few boxes that I wanted to move to the basement. One of those is a box full of Dr. Seuss books that I've had since I was little, I've kept them and moved them all the way up here so I could put them in our child's room. So, when I went to move them to the basement, I had to open the box and take a look. That led to an hour of flipping through my old favorites and wondering if I'll ever have a little one to read them to. See? Depressing.

Then, for whatever reason, a conversation DH and I had a few months ago popped into my head. We were discussing why we would want to pass our genes down to anyone. We're both near-sighted, my natural hair color is mousy brown, Dh started losing his hair in his early 20s, I've battled acne since high school, and while we both are on the slim side, I wonder how much of that is the fact that Dh eats like a kid and I've always had jobs that keep me on my feet and moving all day. But, we have this internal need to have a child of our own.

I didn't always have that. There was a time that I didn't think I'd ever want kids. Being pregnant to me was like having an alien living inside you! And child birth? Why would anyone want to go through that, it either messes up your junk or leaves you with a scar! I thought I would be a career woman and live happily childfree forever. I was 19. Then I started dating Dh and a couple of years in, I thought it wouldn't be so bad if my birth control (that I took religiously at the same time every single day) failed. And once we got married and started looking at houses, all I could think about was what room would be the nursery.

And here I am, 3 years later, wishing I had never wanted a baby in the first place.

See? Depressing..

There is no light at the end of this tunnel..

Is there?

I can definitely see DH and I many years from now, childless, and I'm not okay with that.

So, obviously, I have no fertility updates for the old blog since I'm still waiting.. and AF keeps showing at random intervals just to mock me.

I'm not good at sharing..

First off, I have a little brother so I am not technically an only child. But, I *was* an only child until I was 12 and am still my dad's only child so I have more of an "only child" psyche than that of an "oldest."

I spent my childhood playing with (and not having to share) my toys in my private playroom, I always had my own bathroom, and when I turned 16, my parents bought me a car that was all mine.

As you can imagine, this has presented some problems when it comes to being married and sharing a home with a boy. And my husband grew up with a sister that's only a year younger than him, he doesn't remember NOT sharing his things. He amazed me when we first moved in together and he readily let me use any of his things. I really couldn't believe it, he was so generous, so nice!

And he's still SO nice to this day, which is great. But it makes me feel like a Class A Bitch when I don't let him do things like, say, take my brand new car into Somerville, MA, one of the most populated areas in the world! (okay, I don't know that, but it seems like it) He's going to a baseball game with his sister today, he was driving to her house and taking the train into Boston. So, he wanted to drive my brand new car 20 minutes and then leave it on the mean streets of Somerville! For at least 5 hours! REALLY?!? And here's how he asked me: "I was thinking of taking your car today, if you want..." I think he was going for "If you don't mind" which would have elicited a better response from me instead of the "WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY CAR?!" that came out of my mouth (I also hadn't had any coffee yet..)

After a few minutes, I calmed down and asked if he could see my point of view.. to which he smiled and said "No, I don't.." even though I know he did.

And really, he doesn't hold a grudge about anything (a foreign concept to me!) but he's SO nice that it makes me feel awful when I act like that and as soon as he left (in his car), I wished I had let him drive my car because really, what does it matter that it's brand new? It would suck just as much if his car was damaged or stolen (and my car has Onstar so no one is getting away with taking it!)

He just wanted to play with my new toy and I forgot how to share.. :(

Infertiles are some of the luckiest people I know.

Yes, infertility is awful and has made me a bitter, crazy mess. But, it is my biggest problem and for that, I am thankful.

I don't worry about having food to eat.
I don't worry about having somewhere to sleep.
I have a job, a loving family, a caring husband, and an adorable dog.

And that is the case with all the people that I know who are dealing with infertility. We are so fortunate that we have the resources to deal with it. No matter how awful the tests are, the medications, the injections, it could be worse and we could be dealing with bigger problems.

Today, I remember this. Tomorrow, I'll be back to my bitter, crazy self. :)

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

That is all!

What a fool I am

About half an hour ago I took a pregnancy test for the first time in probably a year. I've been feeling nauseous at night for the past two days and today, I started feeling nauseous right before I left for work and it lasted all day. Also, I googled "implantation cramping" and the description matched exactly what I felt last week. So, on the way home I stopped and bought a test.

BFN.

Why did I think it was possible for it to be anything else?!?

And, why am I so nauseous?!?

I have a confession...

My 10 year high school reunion is this year and it made me realize that I haven't been to a dentist in about the same amount of time.

Just admitting that makes me feel trashy and gross.. but I'm not, I swear! My teeth are in good shape, I brush/floss/mouthwash religiously, I don't have pain or bad breath or anything.

And I really have no good reason why I haven't gone to the dentist. I'm not scared of them, although I can think of about 5,000 things I'd rather do. I have good dental insurance, at least I think it is.. I just started putting off going and it snowballed from there and now I know I may have cavities and will have to have at least a deep cleaning when I go so I'm dreading/putting it off even more.

I used to go to the dentist all the time. My mom made me go when I was little and then when I got braces, I felt like someone always had their hand in my mouth. Then after my braces came off, I went because they always told me how nice my teeth were. After I went away to college, I didn't have my mom pushing me to go (and she hadn't been to a dentist herself in many years at that point so who was she to judge?) And now, well, here we are.

If given the chance, I would start injecting myself with meds tomorrow to start an IVF cycle. But the thought of going to the dentist tomorrow? Induces a panic attack. (I'm not going to the dentist tomorrow, this is hypothetical)

I am ridiculous, I know.

My new distraction is..

Car shopping! Oh yes, Dh and I have been discussing buying a new car for me for a while since my current one is an '05 and we're getting close to paying it off. So, since our recent move chaos has died down, we've started seriously looking into cars..well, as serious as one can get while looking online.

And we HAVE to research online first because if I go and get into a car and fall in love with it, I won't care about the features or price, I will demand to have it and regret it when I find a better car for a better price later.

AND, I think we're going to get a brand new one, which I've never had before. (Dh had a brand new truck when we first met) So, I'm very excited about that.

We're looking at pretty low-priced cars so the ones I really like are the Chevy Cruze and the Honda Fit (any info anyone has on these would be appreciated).

We're also thinking about leasing since we care more about having a newer car than having an old, paid-off car so if anyone has any insight on that, I'd appreciate that as well!

So now I just want to go drive some Brand. New. Cars!!!! (that makes more sense if you read it to the tune of the Price Is Right's "Come on down!" tagline)

It's only 9:30?!?

This week has been forever long.. I've been driving to New Hampshire to work in another store because their whole staff has left (literally..by the end of next week, they will only have 2 original people remaining) and it's annoying and I miss my home store and they miss me and.. I'm tired, bleh!)

And since Dh is busy watching basketball (Go Celtics.. and whatever, looks like they're going to lose), I'm going to fill this out because it looked amusing and appropriate for my blog:

And I stole it from the PCOS: Pretty Crappy Ovary Syndrome blog

Infertility A-Z

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25, about 5 months into our marriage

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: I did want two but I could definitely see us stopping at one

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: Brady, our 4 year old cavachon, I think we are about as obsessed with him as we would be with a child

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: Most of the time I take a flintstones vitamin, stopped taking pre-natals a few months ago because they were depressing me. Oh, and I take a cranberry supplement to ward off UTIs

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid is the only one so far

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Weight, I have definitely gained weight, haha, partially because I thought my low fat/vegetarian diet was causing problems with my cycle and partially because I emotionally eat

H - HSG: 1 horrible one, but everything looked good

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: My own family telling me to just "relax" and/or adopt because they know so and so who adopted and then got pregnant.. yeah, relaxing and adopting isn't going to magically increase Dh's sperm count and if we adopt, we won't have any money left over to pay for a biological kid anyway

J - Job Title: Assistant manager at a lingerie store, fun times

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: One was already taken and at this point, I don't give a crap, I'll invent a freaking name if I have to, as long as I have a kid

L - Length of Time TTC: 2 years, 9 months.

M - Miscarriages: None

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: 0, so far we like our RE a lot, we'll see how we feel after our first treatment

O - Ovarian Quality: Excellent

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Wait for AF, I stopped getting my hopes up/wasting money a year ago

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "You need to just relax!" To which I yelled "I don't have the luxury of relaxing!!"

S - Sperm: Counts are super low and motility is awful

T - Time you Tried Naturally: about 2 years

U - Uterus Quality: Fine

V - Vagina: Uh..

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: None, I did have a onesie that I bought as a gift and ended up not giving but I donated it to Goodwill last year along with all of the flowy tops that I kept in case I wanted to wear them as maternity shirts.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Quite a few, my mom's family knows and all of my co-workers and I told my dad a few months ago so I'm sure most of his family knows as well.

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes.. I go to it.. and I need to schedule one, ugh.

Z - Zits: I've constantly been fighting my face ever since I stopped taking bcp in August '08.

It's the week after National Infertility Awareness Week.

Last week, Resolve.org had a blog thing where you were supposed to bust a myth and tons of people participated, lots of people came out of the infertility closet, and there were many many tweets with the hashtag #NIAW. But, besides giving kudos to Lifetime for playing their mini-doc "I Want a Baby" during that particular week, I didn't do anything.

I know I've said before that I don't feel like I "own" this infertility (even though I think it affects me more than Dh) because technically I'm not "infertile." And technically, right now, I'm not doing anything related to infertility besides not being pregnant. We aren't even "trying" because what's the point? I used the last of my opks a cycle ago and there isn't a pg test to be found in my house. My basal thermometer is now stored in the first aid kit because I had no better place to put it when I was packing. By all appearances, it seems I've thrown in the towel. And I wish it were that easy to forget this whole mess.

But it's not.

I still think about whether or not I'll ever be a parent.. Every. single. day.

The majority of my thinking happens at work because I spend most of my time there and it's our slow season so I have lots of downtime. Sometimes I have to stop myself because I will be at the verge of tears and a puffy-eyed, snot-nosed, sad girl isn't who people want selling them lingerie.

So, I'm trying to suck it up and wait.

I don't want to demand that Dh goes in for his surgery but I don't know what the hold up is. I know he has to figure out the best time to have it done so it doesn't interfere with his work but figure it out and make a plan already! I'm fine if he doesn't have time to have it done for 6 months, as long as I know that's when it will be done.

I've gently nudged, I've calmly questioned, and at my very worst, I've had a complete meltdown and told him how much I want to have kids already. But, he hasn't responded to a thing.

Up until now, I felt that infertility has made our marriage stronger but I don't know if I'll say the same thing a year from now.

New house!

We moved into our new place yesterday and instead of unpacking, I'm on here.. whoops!

I actually got online to email Dh the tv cart I want him to buy at Target today and to look for a split box spring because ours won't go upstairs. (I'm actually thisclose to buying a saw and cutting the thing in half myself because even if we buy a new one, I haven't a clue what to do with the old one because we both have cars and can't haul it off ourselves.. ) So, really, I *was* being productive.

Our new place is awesome, even though we're renting, it doesn't feel like it because it reminds me so much of something we would buy (it's actually very similar to the house we owned in Florida). The guest bedroom is the exact color that I had picked out for our potential nursery in our other house.. but I'm trying really hard not to look at that like it's a sign. (I can't count how many "signs" I've seen while ttc and I still don't have a baby..)

And the neighborhood seems pretty nice, with plenty of sidewalks for the dog to take walks on. (and he's adapting pretty well to not walking on every inch of grass he sees, i.e. people's front lawns)

So, overall, at this moment, I'm very happy with our choice, we'll see if it lasts, haha.

Alright, I need to get to the unpacking..

Oh, and I think we're going to try fertile-aid..

Does anyone have any experience with that?

I figure it can't hurt to try it to regulate my cycles/maybe increase Dh's sperm count somehow.. I mean, it's not something the doctors have suggested but I understand that supplements are not what they're trained to recommend. Dh is pretty skeptical to the effectiveness of multivitamins even (but I've convinced him to take them anyway, haha) and when I asked if he would be willing to try fertile-aid for a few months, he was up for it.. so I think I might order some..

Margaritas sure sneak up on you..

I was drinking a strawberry lime margarita.. it tasted like kool-aid, so I had another.. and another.. and now I just spent way too long trying to type "strawberry" correctly, lol.

I'm a terrible blogger, I never have anything to say except when I have updates from doctors and tests. And then it's just me whining about how awful the results are.. really.. infertility has taken over my life. At least that's what it seems like on the surface. But, really, it's not all I do. In fact, my co-workers know what I'm going through but I don't talk about it very much. Same with my family, unless I have an update, I don't have much to say about it.

I usually have funny/dumb things to say.. and since I work in retail, I have an endless array of crazy stories to share. And I'm never afraid to make a fool of myself.. I have been known to try on underwear over my clothes and dance around like a mad woman if it will get a laugh out of someone.

But, infertility, it's on my mind ALL the time. And I'm kind of in an odd position now that we have Dh's diagnosis. I mean, yes, I have mild pcos and don't ovulate every single cycle. But, his diagnosis is our main problem and I feel like I don't "own" this infertility title anymore. He doesn't really want to talk about it with everyone he meets and I feel like it's not my place to since it's not "mine."

So, I've been following all these fab people on twitter who are going through/have been through IVF and I love to let them know that I'm thinking of them while they await their latest beta results, etc, but I feel like the creepy stranger because I haven't shared anything of my own. I would share more but Dh is on twitter and follows me.. and he's generally not cool with me discussing his balls with random people. So, I continue to stalk these people and their blogs and try to find someone who has had similar circumstances. And I haven't found anyone yet.. most people I've seen that were diagnosed with MFI had blocked tubes or random reasons why they don't produce enough sperm. I'm sure there are other guys out there who had chemo when they were younger and are now having fertility issues and I'm sure they have partners who blog about it. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, I don't know.

We're moving!

Not back to Florida, like I would be super happy to do, but we're moving to a bigger place (with no upstairs neighbors, yippee!). It's not a brand new place like we've been living in for the past 2 years but it's a 2/1 townhouse that's near a lake that I take the doggy to all the time in the summer and it's right around the corner from all kinds of cute restaurants/shops.. and it's the same price that we've been paying for our 1 bedroom apartment but it's twice the space. I'm happy we'll already have a second bedroom in case we decide to start the adoption process (we're still very undecided and focusing on our move before we go forward with anything).

The only thing I'm really concerned about is that it has no central ac. I know tons of people up here don't and the summers aren't that long/hot but being a Florida girl, I've never lived without it so I'm scared! We're planning to get a couple of good window units and maybe a portable unit so hopefully it all works out..

Glad to know something works.

I was bragging to DH last night that I may be ovulating soon because I'm having all kinds of symptoms that I've been having the past few cycles (but I haven't been charting or taking opks because, well, I can't stand building up hope anymore). So, this morning, I randomly decided to take an opk for old times sake, fully expecting it to be negative because really, I can't know my body that well, can I? And boom, smiley face! So, I immediately took a pic, sent it to Dh, bragged about how well I know my body, and told him to tell his sperm to man up!

And now hope has crept back into my mind.. I mean, it only takes one little motivated sperm doesn't it? Ugh, whatever, going to go drink my green tea now..