Okay, I suck.

I can't seem to type anything interesting lately. All of my infertility stuff is on hold until the husband decides when to have his surgery. All of my thought processes are the same as they were a year ago. I'm still angry/bitter/sad/overwhelmed/confused every day.

I'm also trying to enjoy my life/figure out what to do with myself. I've enrolled in school again and am taking one online class at the moment. (It's a math class, which is why it's the only one I'm taking cause I suck at math and this class is freaking hard!) I don't know what my eventual major will be but I do know I want to take more than one class at a time, ha.

I also joined Pinterest and wow, what a holy time waster! I get sucked into that site and don't surface until 3 hours later sometimes. (I'm ctheserocks, btw, if you want to see all my useless ideas for transforming my house (that I don't own..lol) into something incredible. I also have a board for my imaginary baby which I think probably does more harm than good most days..)

So, I'll be around..

That "so overwhelmed you might hyperventilate" feeling..

On Parenthood last night, Sarah freaked out because while her boyfriend talked about traveling to Morocco, all she could think about was how, if they're going to have a baby, they have to do it NOW because she's already 40. I thought "that's exactly how I feel!" followed by "but I'm not anywhere near 40!"

I'm 28 and I understand that I'm still "young" in terms of fertility but when I think about maybe quitting all this fertility treatment business for a few years, I almost hyperventilate because I know that in just a few short years I won't be "young" anymore and will be facing even more issues with conceiving. I don't want to wait too long and regret it.

Also, more of the reason for my freak-out besides my aging eggs, are my grandparents. They have always been a huge part of my life and always seemed so young and lively to me. But, in the past few years, they've started rapidly aging and it's beginning to occur to me with more and more frequency that it's very likely I will outlive them. I want them to know my children and I want them to be around long enough for my children to remember them. And the more time that passes, the less likely that is going to be. So, in a sense, my fertility timeline isn't really my own.

Anger.

Infertility causes lots of emotions, everyone knows this. But, the predominant emotion it has caused me to have has been anger.

When I didn't know why I wasn't getting pregnant for the first 2 years, I became angry at my body for not working the way it's supposed to. When we realized that we needed to see a fertility specialist, I was angry that we had to put so much effort into becoming parents. When we found out that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, I was angry at my body, my husband's body, God, fate, everyone in the world who accidentally became pregnant, and I could go on.

And frankly, I'd like to say that I've learned how to overcome this anger.

But, I haven't. Whenever I think about how far we've come and how far we have to go before we become parents, I'm still angry.

And I've learned to cope with/ignore my anger.. but I haven't been able to rid myself of it and I don't think I ever will.

Let's focus, please..

After being awful at blogging since.. well, since I started this whole thing. I'm once again planning to be better.

Not because I want thousands of people to read about my life.

Not because I have tons of free time.

Not because I'm an amazing writer.

But because it helps me to think things through, put things into perspective, and get things out that I would probably never say to anyone.

AND..

Just to update the things I posted about a few months ago...

I finally went to the dentist and she said my teeth are in excellent shape, my dental hygiene is exceptional, and I have one cavity that I'm having filled next week (first one I've had in my adult teeth). I also went to my optometrist, to my new pcp for a check-up, and to my annual gyno exam, so now I should be finished with docs until we (hopefully) go back to our RE. Doesn't that seem like a lot of doctors to see every year? Geez..

I'm in love with my new car. It's awful, I just want to hug it.

Dh bought a new truck about a week ago and I think he really likes it, I don't know, he never seems excited about anything (he *was* super giddy the day he brought it home). So, now I don't have to feel bad about not letting him play with my new toy since he has one too, haha.

It's been a while..

I  need to stop drinking when I think I'm pmsing.. usually when I drink, I'm a good time. But, when I'm pmsing (or think I am, I'm never 100% sure until AF shows), I go to a sad, dark place and am generally depressing.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I cleaned out the guest room closet today and had a few boxes that I wanted to move to the basement. One of those is a box full of Dr. Seuss books that I've had since I was little, I've kept them and moved them all the way up here so I could put them in our child's room. So, when I went to move them to the basement, I had to open the box and take a look. That led to an hour of flipping through my old favorites and wondering if I'll ever have a little one to read them to. See? Depressing.

Then, for whatever reason, a conversation DH and I had a few months ago popped into my head. We were discussing why we would want to pass our genes down to anyone. We're both near-sighted, my natural hair color is mousy brown, Dh started losing his hair in his early 20s, I've battled acne since high school, and while we both are on the slim side, I wonder how much of that is the fact that Dh eats like a kid and I've always had jobs that keep me on my feet and moving all day. But, we have this internal need to have a child of our own.

I didn't always have that. There was a time that I didn't think I'd ever want kids. Being pregnant to me was like having an alien living inside you! And child birth? Why would anyone want to go through that, it either messes up your junk or leaves you with a scar! I thought I would be a career woman and live happily childfree forever. I was 19. Then I started dating Dh and a couple of years in, I thought it wouldn't be so bad if my birth control (that I took religiously at the same time every single day) failed. And once we got married and started looking at houses, all I could think about was what room would be the nursery.

And here I am, 3 years later, wishing I had never wanted a baby in the first place.

See? Depressing..

There is no light at the end of this tunnel..

Is there?

I can definitely see DH and I many years from now, childless, and I'm not okay with that.

So, obviously, I have no fertility updates for the old blog since I'm still waiting.. and AF keeps showing at random intervals just to mock me.