Apparently, this is my life...

That "so overwhelmed you might hyperventilate" feeling..

2012-02-09T15:18:00.000-05:00

On Parenthood last night, Sarah freaked out because while her boyfriend talked about traveling to Morocco, all she could think about was how, if they're going to have a baby, they have to do it NOW because she's already 40. I thought "that's exactly how I feel!" followed by "but I'm not anywhere near 40!"

I'm 28 and I understand that I'm still "young" in terms of fertility but when I think about maybe quitting all this fertility treatment business for a few years, I almost hyperventilate because I know that in just a few short years I won't be "young" anymore and will be facing even more issues with conceiving. I don't want to wait too long and regret it.

Also, more of the reason for my freak-out besides my aging eggs, are my grandparents. They have always been a huge part of my life and always seemed so young and lively to me. But, in the past few years, they've started rapidly aging and it's beginning to occur to me with more and more frequency that it's very likely I will outlive them. I want them to know my children and I want them to be around long enough for my children to remember them. And the more time that passes, the less likely that is going to be. So, in a sense, my fertility timeline isn't really my own.

Anger.

2012-02-09T14:59:00.000-05:00

Infertility causes lots of emotions, everyone knows this. But, the predominant emotion it has caused me to have has been anger.

When I didn't know why I wasn't getting pregnant for the first 2 years, I became angry at my body for not working the way it's supposed to. When we realized that we needed to see a fertility specialist, I was angry that we had to put so much effort into becoming parents. When we found out that we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, I was angry at my body, my husband's body, God, fate, everyone in the world who accidentally became pregnant, and I could go on.

And frankly, I'd like to say that I've learned how to overcome this anger.

But, I haven't. Whenever I think about how far we've come and how far we have to go before we become parents, I'm still angry.

And I've learned to cope with/ignore my anger.. but I haven't been able to rid myself of it and I don't think I ever will.

Let's focus, please..

2012-02-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

After being awful at blogging since.. well, since I started this whole thing. I'm once again planning to be better.

Not because I want thousands of people to read about my life.

Not because I have tons of free time.

Not because I'm an amazing writer.

But because it helps me to think things through, put things into perspective, and get things out that I would probably never say to anyone.

AND..

2011-10-07T23:22:00.004-04:00

Just to update the things I posted about a few months ago...

I finally went to the dentist and she said my teeth are in excellent shape, my dental hygiene is exceptional, and I have one cavity that I'm having filled next week (first one I've had in my adult teeth). I also went to my optometrist, to my new pcp for a check-up, and to my annual gyno exam, so now I should be finished with docs until we (hopefully) go back to our RE. Doesn't that seem like a lot of doctors to see every year? Geez..

I'm in love with my new car. It's awful, I just want to hug it.

Dh bought a new truck about a week ago and I think he really likes it, I don't know, he never seems excited about anything (he *was* super giddy the day he brought it home). So, now I don't have to feel bad about not letting him play with my new toy since he has one too, haha.

It's been a while..

2011-10-07T22:47:00.003-04:00

I need to stop drinking when I think I'm pmsing.. usually when I drink, I'm a good time. But, when I'm pmsing (or think I am, I'm never 100% sure until AF shows), I go to a sad, dark place and am generally depressing.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I cleaned out the guest room closet today and had a few boxes that I wanted to move to the basement. One of those is a box full of Dr. Seuss books that I've had since I was little, I've kept them and moved them all the way up here so I could put them in our child's room. So, when I went to move them to the basement, I had to open the box and take a look. That led to an hour of flipping through my old favorites and wondering if I'll ever have a little one to read them to. See? Depressing.

Then, for whatever reason, a conversation DH and I had a few months ago popped into my head. We were discussing why we would want to pass our genes down to anyone. We're both near-sighted, my natural hair color is mousy brown, Dh started losing his hair in his early 20s, I've battled acne since high school, and while we both are on the slim side, I wonder how much of that is the fact that Dh eats like a kid and I've always had jobs that keep me on my feet and moving all day. But, we have this internal need to have a child of our own.

I didn't always have that. There was a time that I didn't think I'd ever want kids. Being pregnant to me was like having an alien living inside you! And child birth? Why would anyone want to go through that, it either messes up your junk or leaves you with a scar! I thought I would be a career woman and live happily childfree forever. I was 19. Then I started dating Dh and a couple of years in, I thought it wouldn't be so bad if my birth control (that I took religiously at the same time every single day) failed. And once we got married and started looking at houses, all I could think about was what room would be the nursery.

And here I am, 3 years later, wishing I had never wanted a baby in the first place.

See? Depressing..

There is no light at the end of this tunnel..

2011-08-30T21:29:00.002-04:00

Is there?

I can definitely see DH and I many years from now, childless, and I'm not okay with that.

So, obviously, I have no fertility updates for the old blog since I'm still waiting.. and AF keeps showing at random intervals just to mock me.

I'm not good at sharing..

2011-08-20T13:00:00.002-04:00

First off, I have a little brother so I am not technically an only child. But, I *was* an only child until I was 12 and am still my dad's only child so I have more of an "only child" psyche than that of an "oldest."

I spent my childhood playing with (and not having to share) my toys in my private playroom, I always had my own bathroom, and when I turned 16, my parents bought me a car that was all mine.

As you can imagine, this has presented some problems when it comes to being married and sharing a home with a boy. And my husband grew up with a sister that's only a year younger than him, he doesn't remember NOT sharing his things. He amazed me when we first moved in together and he readily let me use any of his things. I really couldn't believe it, he was so generous, so nice!

And he's still SO nice to this day, which is great. But it makes me feel like a Class A Bitch when I don't let him do things like, say, take my brand new car into Somerville, MA, one of the most populated areas in the world! (okay, I don't know that, but it seems like it) He's going to a baseball game with his sister today, he was driving to her house and taking the train into Boston. So, he wanted to drive my brand new car 20 minutes and then leave it on the mean streets of Somerville! For at least 5 hours! REALLY?!? And here's how he asked me: "I was thinking of taking your car today, if you want..." I think he was going for "If you don't mind" which would have elicited a better response from me instead of the "WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY CAR?!" that came out of my mouth (I also hadn't had any coffee yet..)

After a few minutes, I calmed down and asked if he could see my point of view.. to which he smiled and said "No, I don't.." even though I know he did.

And really, he doesn't hold a grudge about anything (a foreign concept to me!) but he's SO nice that it makes me feel awful when I act like that and as soon as he left (in his car), I wished I had let him drive my car because really, what does it matter that it's brand new? It would suck just as much if his car was damaged or stolen (and my car has Onstar so no one is getting away with taking it!)

He just wanted to play with my new toy and I forgot how to share.. :(

Infertiles are some of the luckiest people I know.

2011-07-28T12:33:00.002-04:00

Yes, infertility is awful and has made me a bitter, crazy mess. But, it is my biggest problem and for that, I am thankful.

I don't worry about having food to eat.
I don't worry about having somewhere to sleep.
I have a job, a loving family, a caring husband, and an adorable dog.

And that is the case with all the people that I know who are dealing with infertility. We are so fortunate that we have the resources to deal with it. No matter how awful the tests are, the medications, the injections, it could be worse and we could be dealing with bigger problems.

Today, I remember this. Tomorrow, I'll be back to my bitter, crazy self. :)

I JUST WANT TO BE PREGNANT ALREADY!!!!

2011-07-22T20:52:00.001-04:00

That is all!

What a fool I am

2011-07-14T18:30:00.002-04:00

About half an hour ago I took a pregnancy test for the first time in probably a year. I've been feeling nauseous at night for the past two days and today, I started feeling nauseous right before I left for work and it lasted all day. Also, I googled "implantation cramping" and the description matched exactly what I felt last week. So, on the way home I stopped and bought a test.

BFN.

Why did I think it was possible for it to be anything else?!?

And, why am I so nauseous?!?

I have a confession...

2011-06-16T22:05:00.002-04:00

My 10 year high school reunion is this year and it made me realize that I haven't been to a dentist in about the same amount of time.

Just admitting that makes me feel trashy and gross.. but I'm not, I swear! My teeth are in good shape, I brush/floss/mouthwash religiously, I don't have pain or bad breath or anything.

And I really have no good reason why I haven't gone to the dentist. I'm not scared of them, although I can think of about 5,000 things I'd rather do. I have good dental insurance, at least I think it is.. I just started putting off going and it snowballed from there and now I know I may have cavities and will have to have at least a deep cleaning when I go so I'm dreading/putting it off even more.

I used to go to the dentist all the time. My mom made me go when I was little and then when I got braces, I felt like someone always had their hand in my mouth. Then after my braces came off, I went because they always told me how nice my teeth were. After I went away to college, I didn't have my mom pushing me to go (and she hadn't been to a dentist herself in many years at that point so who was she to judge?) And now, well, here we are.

If given the chance, I would start injecting myself with meds tomorrow to start an IVF cycle. But the thought of going to the dentist tomorrow? Induces a panic attack. (I'm not going to the dentist tomorrow, this is hypothetical)

I am ridiculous, I know.

My new distraction is..

2011-05-18T22:13:00.002-04:00

Car shopping! Oh yes, Dh and I have been discussing buying a new car for me for a while since my current one is an '05 and we're getting close to paying it off. So, since our recent move chaos has died down, we've started seriously looking into cars..well, as serious as one can get while looking online.

And we HAVE to research online first because if I go and get into a car and fall in love with it, I won't care about the features or price, I will demand to have it and regret it when I find a better car for a better price later.

AND, I think we're going to get a brand new one, which I've never had before. (Dh had a brand new truck when we first met) So, I'm very excited about that.

We're looking at pretty low-priced cars so the ones I really like are the Chevy Cruze and the Honda Fit (any info anyone has on these would be appreciated).

We're also thinking about leasing since we care more about having a newer car than having an old, paid-off car so if anyone has any insight on that, I'd appreciate that as well!

So now I just want to go drive some Brand. New. Cars!!!! (that makes more sense if you read it to the tune of the Price Is Right's "Come on down!" tagline)

It's only 9:30?!?

2011-05-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

This week has been forever long.. I've been driving to New Hampshire to work in another store because their whole staff has left (literally..by the end of next week, they will only have 2 original people remaining) and it's annoying and I miss my home store and they miss me and.. I'm tired, bleh!)

And since Dh is busy watching basketball (Go Celtics.. and whatever, looks like they're going to lose), I'm going to fill this out because it looked amusing and appropriate for my blog:

And I stole it from the PCOS: Pretty Crappy Ovary Syndrome blog

Infertility A-Z

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25, about 5 months into our marriage

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: I did want two but I could definitely see us stopping at one

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: Brady, our 4 year old cavachon, I think we are about as obsessed with him as we would be with a child

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: Most of the time I take a flintstones vitamin, stopped taking pre-natals a few months ago because they were depressing me. Oh, and I take a cranberry supplement to ward off UTIs

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid is the only one so far

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Weight, I have definitely gained weight, haha, partially because I thought my low fat/vegetarian diet was causing problems with my cycle and partially because I emotionally eat

H - HSG: 1 horrible one, but everything looked good

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: My own family telling me to just "relax" and/or adopt because they know so and so who adopted and then got pregnant.. yeah, relaxing and adopting isn't going to magically increase Dh's sperm count and if we adopt, we won't have any money left over to pay for a biological kid anyway

J - Job Title: Assistant manager at a lingerie store, fun times

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: One was already taken and at this point, I don't give a crap, I'll invent a freaking name if I have to, as long as I have a kid

L - Length of Time TTC: 2 years, 9 months.

M - Miscarriages: None

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: 0, so far we like our RE a lot, we'll see how we feel after our first treatment

O - Ovarian Quality: Excellent

P - POAS or Wait for AF: Wait for AF, I stopped getting my hopes up/wasting money a year ago

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "You need to just relax!" To which I yelled "I don't have the luxury of relaxing!!"

S - Sperm: Counts are super low and motility is awful

T - Time you Tried Naturally: about 2 years

U - Uterus Quality: Fine

V - Vagina: Uh..

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: None, I did have a onesie that I bought as a gift and ended up not giving but I donated it to Goodwill last year along with all of the flowy tops that I kept in case I wanted to wear them as maternity shirts.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Quite a few, my mom's family knows and all of my co-workers and I told my dad a few months ago so I'm sure most of his family knows as well.

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes.. I go to it.. and I need to schedule one, ugh.

Z - Zits: I've constantly been fighting my face ever since I stopped taking bcp in August '08.

It's the week after National Infertility Awareness Week.

2011-05-02T22:11:00.002-04:00

Last week, Resolve.org had a blog thing where you were supposed to bust a myth and tons of people participated, lots of people came out of the infertility closet, and there were many many tweets with the hashtag #NIAW. But, besides giving kudos to Lifetime for playing their mini-doc "I Want a Baby" during that particular week, I didn't do anything.

I know I've said before that I don't feel like I "own" this infertility (even though I think it affects me more than Dh) because technically I'm not "infertile." And technically, right now, I'm not doing anything related to infertility besides not being pregnant. We aren't even "trying" because what's the point? I used the last of my opks a cycle ago and there isn't a pg test to be found in my house. My basal thermometer is now stored in the first aid kit because I had no better place to put it when I was packing. By all appearances, it seems I've thrown in the towel. And I wish it were that easy to forget this whole mess.

But it's not.

I still think about whether or not I'll ever be a parent.. Every. single. day.

The majority of my thinking happens at work because I spend most of my time there and it's our slow season so I have lots of downtime. Sometimes I have to stop myself because I will be at the verge of tears and a puffy-eyed, snot-nosed, sad girl isn't who people want selling them lingerie.

So, I'm trying to suck it up and wait.

I don't want to demand that Dh goes in for his surgery but I don't know what the hold up is. I know he has to figure out the best time to have it done so it doesn't interfere with his work but figure it out and make a plan already! I'm fine if he doesn't have time to have it done for 6 months, as long as I know that's when it will be done.

I've gently nudged, I've calmly questioned, and at my very worst, I've had a complete meltdown and told him how much I want to have kids already. But, he hasn't responded to a thing.

Up until now, I felt that infertility has made our marriage stronger but I don't know if I'll say the same thing a year from now.

New house!

2011-04-15T10:02:00.003-04:00

We moved into our new place yesterday and instead of unpacking, I'm on here.. whoops!

I actually got online to email Dh the tv cart I want him to buy at Target today and to look for a split box spring because ours won't go upstairs. (I'm actually thisclose to buying a saw and cutting the thing in half myself because even if we buy a new one, I haven't a clue what to do with the old one because we both have cars and can't haul it off ourselves.. ) So, really, I *was* being productive.

Our new place is awesome, even though we're renting, it doesn't feel like it because it reminds me so much of something we would buy (it's actually very similar to the house we owned in Florida). The guest bedroom is the exact color that I had picked out for our potential nursery in our other house.. but I'm trying really hard not to look at that like it's a sign. (I can't count how many "signs" I've seen while ttc and I still don't have a baby..)

And the neighborhood seems pretty nice, with plenty of sidewalks for the dog to take walks on. (and he's adapting pretty well to not walking on every inch of grass he sees, i.e. people's front lawns)

So, overall, at this moment, I'm very happy with our choice, we'll see if it lasts, haha.

Alright, I need to get to the unpacking..

Oh, and I think we're going to try fertile-aid..

2011-03-28T21:35:00.002-04:00

Does anyone have any experience with that?

I figure it can't hurt to try it to regulate my cycles/maybe increase Dh's sperm count somehow.. I mean, it's not something the doctors have suggested but I understand that supplements are not what they're trained to recommend. Dh is pretty skeptical to the effectiveness of multivitamins even (but I've convinced him to take them anyway, haha) and when I asked if he would be willing to try fertile-aid for a few months, he was up for it.. so I think I might order some..

Margaritas sure sneak up on you..

2011-03-28T21:13:00.002-04:00

I was drinking a strawberry lime margarita.. it tasted like kool-aid, so I had another.. and another.. and now I just spent way too long trying to type "strawberry" correctly, lol.

I'm a terrible blogger, I never have anything to say except when I have updates from doctors and tests. And then it's just me whining about how awful the results are.. really.. infertility has taken over my life. At least that's what it seems like on the surface. But, really, it's not all I do. In fact, my co-workers know what I'm going through but I don't talk about it very much. Same with my family, unless I have an update, I don't have much to say about it.

I usually have funny/dumb things to say.. and since I work in retail, I have an endless array of crazy stories to share. And I'm never afraid to make a fool of myself.. I have been known to try on underwear over my clothes and dance around like a mad woman if it will get a laugh out of someone.

But, infertility, it's on my mind ALL the time. And I'm kind of in an odd position now that we have Dh's diagnosis. I mean, yes, I have mild pcos and don't ovulate every single cycle. But, his diagnosis is our main problem and I feel like I don't "own" this infertility title anymore. He doesn't really want to talk about it with everyone he meets and I feel like it's not my place to since it's not "mine."

So, I've been following all these fab people on twitter who are going through/have been through IVF and I love to let them know that I'm thinking of them while they await their latest beta results, etc, but I feel like the creepy stranger because I haven't shared anything of my own. I would share more but Dh is on twitter and follows me.. and he's generally not cool with me discussing his balls with random people. So, I continue to stalk these people and their blogs and try to find someone who has had similar circumstances. And I haven't found anyone yet.. most people I've seen that were diagnosed with MFI had blocked tubes or random reasons why they don't produce enough sperm. I'm sure there are other guys out there who had chemo when they were younger and are now having fertility issues and I'm sure they have partners who blog about it. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, I don't know.

We're moving!

2011-03-21T12:41:00.003-04:00

Not back to Florida, like I would be super happy to do, but we're moving to a bigger place (with no upstairs neighbors, yippee!). It's not a brand new place like we've been living in for the past 2 years but it's a 2/1 townhouse that's near a lake that I take the doggy to all the time in the summer and it's right around the corner from all kinds of cute restaurants/shops.. and it's the same price that we've been paying for our 1 bedroom apartment but it's twice the space. I'm happy we'll already have a second bedroom in case we decide to start the adoption process (we're still very undecided and focusing on our move before we go forward with anything).

The only thing I'm really concerned about is that it has no central ac. I know tons of people up here don't and the summers aren't that long/hot but being a Florida girl, I've never lived without it so I'm scared! We're planning to get a couple of good window units and maybe a portable unit so hopefully it all works out..

Glad to know something works.

2011-03-03T16:09:00.002-05:00

I was bragging to DH last night that I may be ovulating soon because I'm having all kinds of symptoms that I've been having the past few cycles (but I haven't been charting or taking opks because, well, I can't stand building up hope anymore). So, this morning, I randomly decided to take an opk for old times sake, fully expecting it to be negative because really, I can't know my body that well, can I? And boom, smiley face! So, I immediately took a pic, sent it to Dh, bragged about how well I know my body, and told him to tell his sperm to man up!

And now hope has crept back into my mind.. I mean, it only takes one little motivated sperm doesn't it? Ugh, whatever, going to go drink my green tea now..

Blame it on the clima... the clyme..something

2011-02-24T12:03:00.002-05:00

There's a name for the chemo chemical that we can blame our fertility problems on but I can't remember it because after the doctor looked at Dh's old charts and announced the exact thing that caused his low sperm production, we were bombarded with a million other more important pieces of information. So, basically, his problems are not a result of hormone imbalances or anything that medication could fix, it's a result of the chemo he received right at the time when puberty is beginning. And instead of being totally screwed, apparently, they can do an operation to take out a piece of tissue to harvest sperm from. He would have to be put under sedation, operated on, and while he's recovering, I would have to drive the tissue to our fertility clinic and then go back to pick him up and then wait until later in the day for them to call to tell us if they got enough sperm. Then they can freeze it for us to use in an IVF cycle.

I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. I had a nice breakdown in the car on the way home when Dh asked me what I thought about everything. I just didn't think it could get more complicated. If all he had to do was take some pills and do another SA before we started IVF, I would be more up for it. But, now we're talking surgery to just hopefully get enough sperm PLUS all the IVF injections, retrievals and transfers. Also, we need to meet with a geneticist to see if Dh's cancer will be passed down because we don't want to go through all of this just to have a kid who ends up suffering.

We briefly had a talk which was mostly questions after I finished my meltdown and could form a sentence without blubbering. It just seems like, is this all too much? Is it a sign that we aren't meant to have a biological child? Up until the other day, I felt like that the reason that we ended up in Massachusetts was maybe because infertility is covered by insurance here and it's not in our home state. But, now that's just complicating the matter. If we had to pay for IVF out of pocket, we wouldn't, we would just move to adoption because I'm not willing to spend all of that money on just a shot at getting pregnant.

I just don't know what to do and Dh doesn't know what to do. Maybe the dog knows what to do.. if only he could talk..

Waiting.. waiting..

2011-02-09T22:49:00.002-05:00

I keep thinking of entertaining things to write about but then when I'm finally in front of the computer, I can't remember any of them..

Same thing happens when I talk to my family on the phone. All I feel like I've done lately is work/go home/walk the dog/eat stuff/sleep. So, when my Mom called me tonight after not hearing from me for over a week, our conversation went like this

Mom: "So, what have you been up to lately?"
Me: "Working, you know.. not much..what have you guys been doing?"
Mom: "Oh, nothing, working too.. you know.."
*GIANT SILENCE*

I'm pathetic! Without doctor appointments to keep me busy and since I no longer have to wonder why I'm not pregnant yet, I have nothing interesting to talk about! Plus, it's freezing out and we have about 10 feet of snow (okay, exaggerating.. it's more like 4 feet..) on the ground so I can't really take the dog on outings to the lake/park right now. So, in my free time, I watch tv, eat, and ask the dog why he's staring at me (Seriously, he does that a lot..)

That's it, that's my life.. until Dh's next doctors appointment, then maybe I'll have new things to think/talk about..

Snow day!

2011-01-12T20:16:00.002-05:00

We had 24 inches of snow here today, it's crazy and freezing but at least Dh and I got the day off of work! We did a whole lot of nothing with a little snow shoveling in between.

And lately, I've been able to not think about TTC too much, partially on purpose and partially not. I think it's mainly because I know there's really nothing to do until our follow-up with the urologist in February. I've thought about starting to learn more things about adoption but besides looking into a few agencies and lurking on a couple of message boards, I haven't. I'm just not ready to give up the thought of having a biological child. If/When that time comes, I know I'll have to "grieve the loss" but I don't see why I should put myself through that until it's certain.
I also was seriously considering seeing a therapist a couple of weeks ago because from right before to a few days after our last appointment, I couldn't talk to anyone about anything without almost crying (at one point, I basically started crying at work.. because my manager was being nice and telling me everything will work out). Then I was in a funk for several days and didn't care to do anything. I thought maybe I was pms-ing around the same time which would explain a lot of it but AF has yet to show and I'm out of the funk so that wasn't it. I still haven't totally squashed the therapist idea, I think our insurance would cover a lot of it and it probably would be a good idea, especially if we find out we're totally screwed.

Until then, shopping has been my personal therapy and I'm in need of a new handbag (especially since it's been almost a year since I bought my last one, it wasn't cheap so I promised DH that would be it for a while..and it has been!) I like this one and it's on clearance AND easy pay..

Okay, never mind, the stupid website won't let me borrow the picture.. here's the link if anyone

Here

Happy New Year..yay.

2010-12-30T20:38:00.002-05:00

I find it funny how important we make one little number when it relates to the changing of a year. I mean, really, it's just one number, and January 1, 2011 won't be much different than December 31, 2010. Maybe we need to have this "fresh start" to keep us from giving up though. I don't know, I just hope that 2011 is better.

I had my 3d ultrasound today and they didn't see a septum, just a uterus sort of shaped like a heart but totally normal. So, yay? It still doesn't mean that Dh will be able to produce enough sperm for us to even attempt to get me pregnant.

And after that, Dh had his urology appointment (which they had requested I attend too). All they did was draw some blood to test and talked to us about meeting with a geneticist to determine if the cancer Dh had was genetic and if it could be passed on to his children. So, basically, as far as his counts go, if it's not a hormonal thing, it's likely a result of his chemo and then we're screwed. The end.

Originally, when we first were thinking we had a problem, I asked Dh if he would be open to using donor sperm and he was. But, now that it may be one of our only options, I don't think I'm okay with it. I just feel like that would be my child with another man. If we had to use donor eggs, I feel like that would be different because I would still be carrying the baby.

But, anyway, my head hurts and I'm tired, so no more talking about this for now, I'm going to get a drink..

Happy New Year everyone!

Oh, it's on..

2010-12-13T23:15:00.002-05:00

My RE's nurse made my 3d ultrasound appointment for me to see if I have a septic uterus and Dh made his appointment for the urologist. They're both on the same day and in freaking Boston, what luck! Now, I like Boston, I really do, but the only place I can confidently drive to is the TD Garden because it's right off of the highway. Anywhere else I've tried to go, with a GPS or not, I've gotten miserably lost. Granted, I usually end up getting where I need to go and sometimes getting lost is fun (like when my bff was visiting and we just happened to pass a bar that I'd been wanting to visit, lucky us!) but when I need to be somewhere at a certain time, I get stressed out if it's somewhere I haven't been before. And I just looked up where Dh's urologist is in relation to where I'll be and of course, they're not within walking distance so I have to get to TWO places in one of the hardest cities to drive in. Luckily, I'll have about 3.5 hours to get to where the urologist is (no way I'm driving back home just to drive back into the city!) I think I'm going to see if Dh wants to accompany me on a test run this Sunday so I can stop worrying so much...alright, complaint session over!

Don't you love when you wake up in the morning

2010-12-12T23:14:00.002-05:00

And think all is right in the world? Then you realize that it's not.

I had that moment the morning after our follow-up appointment. Woke up going "ahhh, another day.." then all the news of the previous day came crashing down and I went "Oh... Yeah." I've been up and down since then, it doesn't help that Af showed on Saturday and added to my already crappy mood. I can't tell how Dh is feeling though, he seems pretty normal but that's usually how he is, things don't get to him. My challenge with him is that he puts things off and while I don't blame him for wanting to put off doing another semen analysis/having his junk examined, it's been 2 years, and now that we know there is a definite problem, I feel like we need to hurry up and find out what to do next in this process. We both think the news won't be good but even so, we need to know.

In more cheerful news, Christmas is fast approaching and besides one gift I have to print from my computer/ship, I'm finished with my shopping and SO glad I get to avoid the mall and Target until after all this craziness is over. Also, we received our gifts from Dh's parents yesterday and there are about a million of these medium and small boxes wrapped for me. Dh's mom usually gets me awesome stuff so I'm super excited but Dh won't let me open them until Christmas! The presents from my mom are supposed to be here tomorrow so I may just open one of those instead.. ;)

My sangria isn't strong enough..

2010-12-09T21:18:00.002-05:00

It's been a rough afternoon/night and after 3 glasses of sangria, I still am not buzzed enough to feel good.

The things I was most worried about weren't anything to worry about and what I didn't expect to happen happened at our RE appointment today.
After looking at my HSG films, the doctor said that he doesn't think I really have a bicornuate uterus or even a septum but he is sending me for a 3D ultrasound to find out for sure. He said all of my bloodwork and ultrasound stuff looked good, I have slight PCOS but I'm fertile and have healthy ovaries and plenty of eggs.
Then he switched over to Dh's results. On his S/A, he only had about 7 million sperm, most of which weren't motile. He then said that our chances of having a child on our own is slim to none and that our best chance will be through IVF. Dh is going to do another S/A and is seeing a urologist to see if there's anything that can be corrected. (He went through chemo when he was younger and we always worried that had an effect on his reproductive stuff..) So, if we can get his sperm counts up, we'll have a good chance with IVF. But, if they don't go up, I guess unless we want to use a donor, we're done with trying to have a child of our own.
We've both been in sort of a daze since then, Dh met me at the clinic so we had separate cars and I held it together until I was in my car and out of the clinic parking lot, then I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't control myself and felt like someone had died, it was horrible and I ended up pulling over in a parking lot to get it together.
So, I guess we still don't really know what our next step will be until probably the end of January. Until then, I guess I'm off to learn about adoption..

It's the eve of my follow-up

2010-12-08T23:23:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon, we'll finally get to meet with our RE and find out the results of all of this testing we've had done. It hasn't even been a month since we had our first meeting but it feels like a year has passed.. Dh keeps joking that the doc will say we're both completely screwed up and really, I would rather hear that we cannot have our own children that to hear that we have to have more tests and more waiting. I would love to have the experience of being pregnant but if that's not possible without IVF and/or a miracle, I feel like I would be totally okay with adopting. Dh seems totally okay with it too and tonight I finally got a straight answer out of him regarding international adoption (he's totally open to it, yay!).

SO, by this time tomorrow I will know our next steps...what do I do until then?

Two posts in one day, what?!?

2010-11-27T00:25:00.002-05:00

I forgot to mention that I started putting up my Christmas decorations today, very exciting, and we're going to get our tree tomorrow. Anyway, I was excited to see all of my decorations again (I'm up to four big boxes of stuff which is a lot for a one bedroom apartment!)

But then I remembered what I thought when I decorated last year: "I'll have a baby by next year!"

Then Christmas cheer turned into Christmas sad.. and I think my dog knew I was bummed because he stayed right with me and watched me put up all of the decorations so I kind of felt like I had a little kid helping me except he can't actually help since he doesn't have thumbs and all..

So, I'm beginning this Christmas season with the same thought I've had for the past 2 years.. "I'll have a baby by next year!" We'll see.. hopefully I'm not writing this same blog a year from now.

Yeah yeah, I'm thankful and whatever..

2010-11-27T00:07:00.002-05:00

I was planning to write this whole sappy "things I'm thankful for" blog yesterday but I didn't. I am thankful and despite all the crappy stuff that goes on in my life, I have a great husband, a loving little dog, a supportive family, entertaining co-workers, good health, and the means to pursue parenthood.

With our follow-up appointment happening in a couple of weeks, my new plan is distraction. I've been Christmas shopping, thinking about Christmas shopping, working, thinking about work, playing ball with Brady, cleaning the house, reading magazines, eating lots of bad stuff, and anything else that doesn't involve babies or baby-making. So far it's worked.

Who isn't faring so well is Dh. I don't know if it's his distraction technique or what but he has gone on an absolute shopping spree over the past two days. In general, he's a pretty frugal guy who will buy something he wants if he sees it for a good price but, well, I'm going to list for you what he's purchased since 3am Thanksgiving morning (and he did it all online, we're going to be swimming in boxes!):
-A netbook
-NBA video game
-2 Flat Screen tvs (one for his mom which she's paying him back for)
-Keurig coffee maker (for me, yay!)
-$50 Itunes gift card (also for me)
-Two mini video cameras (one's for his sister)
-Deep fryer

And okay, two of the things are for me but I did not request them, he just bought them and said "Hey, I got a good deal on these for you!"

And now I've found a new thing to be thankful for, Black Friday is over and hopefully everyone can stop posting all of their "great deals" until Cyber Monday, when DH will be at work. ;)

My uterus is evil..

2010-11-18T17:09:00.003-05:00

Had the HSG today, which I wish I could say was easy and I would gladly have it done everyday but I can't, it sucked big time!

On the way to the hospital, I got lost (stupid gps!) and was 10 minutes late and was having visions of having to reschedule but the staff was really nice and said lots of people get lost and not to worry. I filled out some paperwork, changed into a gown and was ushered into the x-ray room which was WAY more intimidating than I expected. It was all dark and had a giant flat table in the middle with machines all around and a tray set up with all the tools they needed, I took a deep breath and said a prayer at that point.

The doctor explained that some people have cramping when the catheter is inserted so I should expect that, she told me when she was doing it and I felt a slight pinch but that was it so at that point I was feeling pretty optimistic.

THEN she started inserting the dye, at first it was just some pressure but then one of my tubes spasmed and she had to start pushing it in harder while having me lay on my right hip then on my stomach then on my back again. I actually exclaimed to the room how much pressure and pain I was feeling which is not like me, I usually grin and bear it when having things done. After a few agonizing seconds (that felt like HOURS), it was over and I could go. I almost lost it in the bathroom because I started thinking "If that was that horrible, how am I going to manage to have a kid?!?"

Then I almost started crying when I got to my car because I was still feeling lots of pressure and needed to get home and I had NO idea where I was and didn't trust the gps anymore.

But, I managed to get home and felt much better by the time I got here. Then I checked the mail and saw my dad sent me a Cracker Barrel gift card for Thanksgiving (with some extra money on it for the gift shop).

THEN I started crying.

So, I had a good cry, called my dad and grandparents to tell them how it went. Then I started googling what the doc told me, apparently I have a bicornuate uterus or a "horned uterus" (when she told me that, I thought, 'AHA, so it's my evil uterus that's keeping me from getting pregnant!') but now that I google it (and I wish I hadn't), I could also have a septum which I will probably need an MRI to diagnose and possibly surgery to remove it. And I'm also more prone to miscarriages, great. Now I'll anxiously wait for my follow up appointment in December to see what the RE has to say. I thought after today, I would be done and could come up with a plan to get pregnant but now I might have to have more procedures, seriously, universe?!?

The day has come..

2010-11-17T23:12:00.002-05:00

It's the eve of my HSG. I'm trying really hard to not make a big deal out of it but I'm failing miserably! I'm sure it will be nothing when I have it done and even if it hurts, it won't take long but OMG, I'm scared! I thought that the hospital I'm going to was near one of my favorite malls so I planned to go there before to do some Christmas shopping and distract myself but after looking up directions, I found out that it's not near the mall at all. It is near my favorite ice cream place though.. and I will have to pass it on my way home, so if I don't die during the procedure, I'll treat myself to an ice cream! Yay for ice cream and not dying!

I'm an official member of the club..

2010-11-12T09:59:00.002-05:00

I guess I am anyway, now that I've been to an official fertility center, had 14 vials of blood drawn and been probed by the internal ultrasound. Oh, and I have an HSG scheduled for next week (and I'm scared!)

It's probably a weird thing to say but I enjoyed my early morning at the fertility center despite the blood and the probing. I saw many other women in the waiting area and just knowing that they are going through what I'm going through made me feel a sense of camaraderie with them. No one was chatting but we all exchanged smiles when we passed one another (and there were no baby magazines or babies to be seen, the center has a 'no kids' policy, nice!) I almost started crying after I left because I felt relief to finally be on my way to becoming a real mom (and not a dog mom, which I enjoy being but people look at me weird when I tell them I have a furry kid, lol). I also felt relief to know what I always knew deep down but hadn't actually felt before..

I'm not alone.

It's going to snow!

2010-11-07T22:49:00.003-05:00

Not a lot and not enough to stick to the ground and the weather people are not 100% positive about where/when/if it's going to snow but I think it will and I'm very excited about it! It's been so cold and dreary for the past few days and I'm sick of it. While the snow is annoying to clean off the car/drive in, I do enjoy taking Brady out to play in it (he *LOVES* trying to catch snowballs and digging and sticking his face in deep snow). His little fuzzy faced enthusiasm is so infectious, I can't help but love going out in the freezing temps with him.

I also need something exciting/fun to happen. This weekend was my first weekend off since I went home in September, I was so excited about it, I had big plans for it. Then, on Thursday, I came down with a nasty cold and have spent most of the weekend in bed. Oh, and on Friday night, AF came to town, way ahead of schedule, I never even ovulated! So, needless to say, this weekend was a complete bust besides my delicious visit to Cracker Barrel today, that place just tastes like home.

And I did watch Bridget Jone's Diary for the 500th time and Elf for the 100th time AND I bought three Christmas gifts so, the weekend wasn't a complete bust.

And so it begins..again..

2010-10-22T22:05:00.002-04:00

On November 11th, we will officially start our trip down Fertility Center Lane.. I've made the appointment, I've spoken to the insurance company, I have the form for my gyno to fill out.. this is good, it keeps me busy and focused on something other than "Why the *%#@ can't I get pregnant?!?"

I can't believe it's come to this point..

$714

2010-10-20T13:10:00.003-04:00

That's how much I've spent on one doctor visit and one round of bloodwork that took place in April. It doesn't even include the three rounds of clomid and opks that went with it. Luckily, we have different insurance now that I believe is better but holy crap.. $714 for nothing, the tests all came back fine, the clomid made me ovulate but I'm still not freaking pregnant. I'm currently waiting for my doctor to call me back to give me a referral to an RE but since I called her at 10:30 and have yet to hear from her (and I have to leave for work in half an hour..), I'm sure this process will be dragged out for another day at least. Regardless, I'm terrified of how much I will actually spend before I have a baby or before I give up.. ugh!

I thought I was a better blogger than this..

2010-09-09T17:55:00.002-04:00

I felt like I had been posting entries pretty regularly but I haven't been.. I just posted on the previous Saturday nights that Dh was out on the town with his boy friend who was visiting (lol @ my use of "boy *space* friend"). I just came on here to see what my favorite bloggers are up to and realized that I haven't posted anything since August, what a slacker I am! I really don't know what to type about but I'm slightly buzzed from the two pina coladas that I just had after watching Pregnant at 70. Seriously? These people are having children post-menopause? Wow.. You do know that nature has a reason for everything, right? Maybe it makes you unable to conceive after a certain age because the odds of you living to see your children reach adulthood are lower.. I was seriously disturbed by that show and I only half-watched it while I was making dinner. So, I made myself some drinks in celebration of my not being pregnant and being able to drink whatever the crap I want, yippee for me. The downside of this is now I'm out of my pina colada stuff so I can't have anymore until I go to the store.. what are the odds that Dh will stop and get me some on his way home?

Oh well.. until next time, blogger friends.. cheers!

Thanks, Blogger

2010-08-25T21:18:00.002-04:00

I've been having a hard time getting out of my AF funk this time. In the past, I would be devastated when Af showed but would be optimistic again by the time she was over. It's just not happening that way this time. I think it's the dread of what's to come with going to the fertility center. I know it's going to be mean more testing, more obsessing over my cycle, and possibly thousands of dollars.

It's really becoming a distinct possibility that I may never become pregnant and will have to adopt to have children, which is fine, I'll do what it takes, but that would be another whole long process that I know nothing about. So, now I'm looking at years and years of being childless and that's really depressing considering the ache I feel when I think about how badly I want children.

To try to rid myself of my funk, I've decided to rid my life of potential baby things, I'm not checking mamabargains or babysteals, I'm not looking at the baby section of Target, and I'm trying very hard to make myself delete my bookmark folder filled with things I might want for my imaginary baby. As part of my 'cleansing,' I decided to unfollow blogs that are about babies, this doesn't include you girls that I "know" that just had babies, I'm talking about blogs that I follow that are all about decorating kids rooms, reviews of baby products, etc.. The problem is, I can't freaking figure out how to unfollow them! I clicked on the blogs and couldn't find anything, I clicked "manage" under my blog dashboard and there was no option to unfollow like blogger help said there would be. I can't believe it's seriously this hard to delete some blog subscriptions! If anyone has any other insight, please clue me in!

It's Saturday night.

2010-08-21T21:15:00.002-04:00

And I'm blogging. Deep down in my subconscious my 20 year old self is kicking my 27 year old self's ass for being so lame.

But, I actually have something to discuss on here and I hope that I can convey what I've been thinking lately.

No surprise to any of you, Dh and I have been trying for baby #1 since October of '08 with not so much as a faux bfp, I just finished my third cycle of clomid which ended yet again with AF showing and me crying in the shower, and now my doctor is going to refer me to a fertility clinic for more testing and a new game plan.

And even after two years of this emotional roller coaster, most of our family still doesn't know what we're going through, not even my stepmom and dad, who went through similar things when they tried to have a kid (they never did).

So, lately I've been thinking about why people don't openly discuss infertility and I think I've figured out why I have been hesitant about telling my family which maybe can shed light on why many other people do the same.

It's simple: Infertility involves lots of sex.

I frankly don't want to share with my father that Dh and I have been at it like rabbits for 2 years now.
And when my grandmother, who knows what we're going through, asks how "things" are going, I can't exactly say "Well, I ovulated the other day so I forced Dh to have sex with me all day everyday for three days, we'll see if it worked in a few weeks!!" I can't say that..can I?

So, while others don't discuss their infertility because they feel ashamed or don't want to disappoint their loved ones, I just don't do it because I don't want everyone I know to have that much information about my sex life. The end.

I need more of the OC dvds!

2010-07-16T22:15:00.003-04:00

I finished Season 2 yesterday and realized that I don't have season 3, what the hell?!? So, now that my life is empty and meaningless..
I'm putting in my notice at my job tomorrow! I'm moving on to yet another retail job but really, who am I kidding? I'm not going back to school to get some magical degree that will give me a meaningful job and frankly, I don't know if those kinds of jobs exist. So, I'm moving on to greener pastures with a more challenging/higher paying position at a company I've been dying to work for for years and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't hate it. That's usually what happens with things I want really, really bad, I either:

A. Don't get it.
or
B. Hate it.

And speaking of things that I want and don't get, my doc is giving me one more cycle of clomid before she's referring me to a fertility center, um, yay? I found this out after spinning my head around three times and yelling at Dh to make an appointment with a urologist. So, logically, we could just wait until we go to the fertility center because, well, we all know that this cycle won't work either. But, he's not getting out of it that easy. ;)

I'll jump on the bandwagon.

2010-06-22T00:00:00.003-04:00

And make a post about the things I'm thankful for. I know I tend to whine on here because it's my only place to vent but I actually have a pretty blessed life. So, I would like to say that I'm thankful for:

1. My marriage. It's not always awesome and it's way different than I expected it to be but some days I look at Dh and can't believe I managed to marry such an amazing/patient/loving/stable guy.

2. My furbaby. He may not be a real baby but I love him so much it hurts, he's constantly surprising me and making me proud (especially on our walk yesterday when he ignored a passing dog and sat/stared at me, I couldn't believe it! I even talked to the dogs owner for a moment and he just kept sitting in front of me.)

3. My family (part of it). My mom/stepdad/mom's parents have always been unbelievably supportive and gotten me out of sticky situations, I only hope that now that I'm an adult, I can somehow repay the millions of favors they've extended to me.

4. My job. Alright, so I don't wake up excited to go to work ever but my job is pretty easy, my co-workers are damn hilarious and while the customers are nuts, at least they're entertaining!

5. My health. Besides the whole infertility thing, I've been very healthy my whole life and I trust my body to keep me healthy for a long time to come. Oh, and I'm thankful for my metabolism too.. with the way I eat, I would be a disaster without it, scary!

So, I guess that's a pretty basic list of things to be thankful for.. maybe in the future I'll try to do a more specific weekly list.

Ugh.

2010-06-08T23:33:00.002-04:00

FML! I tried really hard to find an angry picture to put here but nothing quite fit my anger/extreme sadness so I gave up.

Being left behind yet again...

2010-06-06T22:14:00.004-04:00

We've had another wave of bfps over on my favorite board and while I'm genuinely happy for all of them, some of the girls have been trying for so long and have overcome so many obstacles, I feel like I'm being left behind again. I have no real reason for this as I am around 14 dpo and Af hasn't showed but I know she will just like she does every cycle. And it's going to suck and it will mean moving on to another round of clomid, another round of praying it works and worrying about timing and opks. I really really want to be hopeful but I can't, partly because if I do, I'll be even more crushed. Some of the girls on the board are part of a blog, called Bloomin' Babies and everyone is a something "bud." I could be "Pessimist Bud," or "Glass half empty Bud" haha.

I bought fancy ovulation tests this cycle..

2010-05-05T22:45:00.002-04:00

Because since I'm already hyped up on Clomid, I may as well go all out on the test strips! So, I spent 30 bucks on the Clearblue Easy digital tests which show a smiley face if they detect an LH surge and an empty circle if they don't. I thought, "Finally, I'll stop staring at those two stupid lines and wondering if I'll ever see that on a pg test!"
So, this morning, I took my first new O-test, saw the empty circle and the first thought that came to mind was "Empty, like my uterus." *facepalm*

I'm generally pissed at the whole world most days..

2010-04-27T23:23:00.002-04:00

On the news, they told a story of some cats that were doused in gas and that had to be put down because it seeped into their organs. The story focused on who could have done it and what mean people they are and I get that, it shouldn't have been done and the people who did it should pay. But, I also am angry at the owners and I hope they're angry with themselves and learn something from this. Domesticated animals are not meant to be outside. If someone's 2 year old child was left outside to wander freely and do what it wants, the parents would be sent to jail. I feel the same way about the animals, they're helpless, they rely on their owners for protection and they trust their owners to keep their best interest in mind and when they don't, it's always the poor animal that suffers. I've discussed this several times with people I know that let their cats outside and most of the time their excuse is usually one of two things:

1. "My cat doesn't leave the yard."
2. "But they love going outside so much and won't leave me alone until I let them out."

Seriously, unless you are constantly watching your cat while it's outside, you don't know what it does and if your kid begs you to let it light it's hair on fire, you still won't let it because you know it's not safe!

Sometimes, I don't think I can handle hearing any more stories of animals who have morons for owners and I don't think anything I say or do will make any difference. Maybe I'll stop watching the news and going on the internet. And I'll stop talking to anyone at all.. just to be safe.

Can't we just deport all of the morons?

2010-04-16T00:08:00.003-04:00

I need to speak to intelligent people right now! I've had stupid flying at me from every direction lately and I can't take it anymore. Thankfully, I have tomorrow off so if I can just avoid facebook, I think I'll be able to avoid hearing/seeing anything ridiculous.

Oh, and sorry I haven't posted anything in a while.. I felt like I was being too whiny and negative and was sick of having a pity party on here. (I swear I'm not that whiny and negative in real life!)

And as far as the TTC situation goes, I'm starting clomid once this cycle ends (hopefully in 12 more days once I finish my provera!) I found a new doctor who spent a great deal of time talking with me about ttc and learning as much as she could about my situation. That was refreshing after the multiple appointments I had last year that would be all of about 5 minutes long and would leave me feeling like the doctor didn't give a crap about me.

So, I'm cautiously optimistic right now and so glad I'm finally moving forward.

I'm warm, finally!

2010-02-28T18:03:00.003-05:00

Some days, I get cold and can't warm up no matter what I do. Today was one of those days.. Dh and I went out to lunch and I was fine but once we got home, I was freezing! Our thermostat was on it's normal 72 degree setting and I was wearing my normal pjs with a sweatshirt so why was I so cold?!? I'll never know. I turned on the fireplace and laid in front of it with a huge blanket on top of me and I was still shivering. So, I finally got up and plugged in my electric blanket and made some tea. Now, two cups of hot tea and several minutes of sitting here with my blanket on me, I'm warm. Actually, I'm hot and feel like I'm about to start sweating but I'm so happy to not be cold anymore, I'm not moving.

And is it just me or does it feel like it's been cold here non-stop for the past year? Sometimes, I miss Florida..

Okay, so now I may just start hating the snow..

2010-02-09T23:38:00.002-05:00

Like a proper New Englander! Tomorrow marks the beginning of my 7 (unpaid) days off, 6 days I took off to spend with my Bff (with an extra day at the end for recovery, haha). But, as of 10pm tonight, both flights she had to get here were canceled because of the stupid snowstorm! It doesn't help that she's coming from Ohio and was connecting in DC.. and last I heard, she had been on hold for a very long time with the airline, trying to reschedule her flight. Not a good way to start a trip!

I think I'll go punch the snow in the face when it gets here.

Today I escaped my life..

2010-01-27T23:45:00.003-05:00

For about 6 hours.. I watched The OC, oh yes, sexy people doing sexy, scandalous things, it was a must see back in the day and I forgot how much I love it..until today when, on a whim, I put on one of the dvds. I was just going to watch one episode..then I would go do the things I needed to do today.. then I watched another..and another. And then, I had to take the dog for a walk and Dh came home and then he said he had some stuff to do so I could watch whatever..so I put on another dvd and watched many more.. it was glorious. And it transported me back to a time when life was easy and fun.. and I plan to make it that again, somehow.

LMAO at this fertility blog

2010-01-11T22:20:00.001-05:00

BBT -Barren but terrific!!

http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

I should really learn to go to bed when I'm tired..

2010-01-04T23:58:00.002-05:00

The over-analyzing phantom symptoms fun has started again even though I could have only o'ed last night (but there is a very slight possibility that I could have o'ed about 12 days ago), let's see what google has to say..

1. Very emotional (was crying pretty much non-stop watching Pet Psychic on Animal Planet..for two hours.): probably some sort of mental disorder..

2. Pinching feeling in my uterus last night: probably something I imagined because I read on the Gp board the day before that a girl had that as a pg symptom and I thought "What a weird thing to feel..." and then the next night, I swear to you, it felt like someone was inside my body and pinching me down where I assume my uterus (or bladder..) is! And I couldn't find anything on google.. so I'm thinking this could also be some sort of mental disorder.

3. Lots and lots of creamy cm: I can't remember if this normally happens before Af or not.

4. Random cramps: I get these all the time, especially during the last half of my cycle but I always hold out hope that they mean something.

5. Headaches every night for the past 5 days: probably leftover symptom of cold I had last week

And I'll stop now.. I'm sure I'll have more things to add up until Af shows just like she always does, yippee..

It sucks to be dumped, especially when it's by your own body..

2009-12-10T12:00:00.002-05:00

So, needless to say, I'm in a funk again after Af showed this week..and I have an overwhelming feeling that my body has broken my heart. The good news is I o'ed when I thought I did but then Dh and I had pretty good timing (I don't think we used the pre-seed though..stupid us..) and..nothing. I was slowly starting to get my hopes up too. I'm trying really hard to be happy that my body functioned correctly but in true "me" fashion, I can't, I want more. And I want to get myself and Dh to a specialist but I keep procrastinating and thinking maybe it's not meant for us to have children or maybe next month will be our month. But it probably won't be, just like every other month.. ugh.

People are so not helpful..

2009-11-21T23:55:00.002-05:00

Dh and I have lived here for almost a year now.. and just last week we received a memo from our apartment complex asking for info on our dog for their records, not a big deal.. except I notice that on it is a "proof of town license" requirement. What the what??

Apparently, this is common practice up here, but in Florida, all we needed was a rabies certificate. I think this whole 'town license' business is just a way to get money, but whatever.. my point is, why didn't anyone tell us about this requirement?! Our apartment complex office knew we were moving from Florida, all of our references were in Florida so obviously that's where we've been living for years and years and since they seem to need proof of this town license, you'd think they would have told us to get one when we moved here. In January.

Then, there is the veterinary hospital, we went there in May for Brady's yearly check-up, they also knew we had just moved from Florida and that I was completely clueless about things up here (ticks and coyotes, oh my!) yet they never mentioned a town license..I just feel completely failed right now, is there anything else I should know before I accidentally walk out of my house on Zombie Day and am eaten because no one told me about Zombie Day?

It's only a matter of time versus it will never happen..ever.

2009-11-14T22:55:00.003-05:00

I'm totally on the fence about ttc business this month.. sometimes I feel like I'm going to magically end up pregnant and I'll marvel at the days when I felt like I was never going to be a mom, how silly of me! But then my moods change and I feel like it's never going to happen unless I get mine and Dh's asses to a doctor. And I get all angry and my co-worker who knows about all this will say "You should just relax..it will happen.." and I (half)jokingly scream "I CAN'T RELAX!!!" And I can't..maybe if my body functioned correctly, it wouldn't be as bad because at least then it would be an issue of not being pregnant, not an issue of my body being whack. I stopped charting though, I was just hating myself every single morning when I had to lay still with a stupid thermometer hanging out of my mouth. My temps never really told me anything anyway and the only cycle that I think I actually ovulated was the one where I totally failed at temping. So, whatever..no temping unless I feel like it.

Making a difference

2009-11-02T10:42:00.002-05:00

Back when I was a wee little babe, I had my whole life planned out. I would work hard in school, participate in lots of theatrical productions, go to a performing arts college, start out performing on Broadway and then transition to films and tv. And somewhere along the way, I got way off course. I've accepted it but have still struggled with deciding exactly what I want to do with my life. Finally, a few years ago I realized what I do isn't that important as long as I'm making the world a better place. So, I donated to charity, I tried volunteering, but I still didn't feel like I was making much of an impact. Then I thought, I'll become a teacher, impact the young minds of America, inspire our next generation! And after a few months (and applying to an early education degree program), that idea fizzled out, mainly because I don't think the promise of making a difference only after spending thousands of dollars and at least four more years in school holds enough weight to keep me going.

But, what I've felt deep down my entire life but never really accepted is that all of us make a difference everyday. I feel like I make the world a better place for my family, like when I found a hotel for my grandmother to stay in when my grandfather has surgery and when I joke around with my grandfather about his chemo pump and feeding tube to make this whole cancer thing seem not quite as scary as it really is. Or at work when I help someone pick out a great job interview outfit or show them how to choose clothing that makes them look their best, I like to think that helps in some small way.

I feel that this is what making a difference is really about, not donating millions of dollars to charities or whatever. It's the small things we do that inspire and encourage those around us. The end.

Happy Halloween..yay...

2009-10-31T21:43:00.002-04:00

Dear Body,
All I'm saying is you best start acting appropriately or I'm having you committed! Seriously, this is not the way a 26 year olds body is supposed to behave. It's embarrassing when other people's bodies are happily ovulating on the same day and raising their temperatures and you are pumping out ewcm like it's going out of style. Stop it!

Let's talk about playing the "kid card"

2009-10-28T22:40:00.002-04:00

Maybe it's my bitterness talking but I had another co-worker play the kid card the other day when asking me to switch shifts with her and it really annoyed me. I really didn't care about switching shifts because I had no plans or anything but it bothers me that even if I didn't want to switch, I wouldn't be able to say no because she has no one to watch her kid and I would look like a heartless bitch if I acted like I don't care. And honestly, I don't, it's her personal life and I hate she's in the position she's in (going through a messy divorce, etc, etc) but it's not my problem. It doesn't help that this person works in two stores and lives over an hour away from our store and I don't understand why she continues to be in our store when she still has a job at the one close to her home. When we first opened, it was assumed that she was in our store to "help" since all of us were new but here it is, 4 months later, and she's still there at least a few days a week and it doesn't look like it's ever going to stop. But, I digress..

And if someone plays the kid card, how do we know they're being honest? They could just be making up crap about their kid so they can get an extra day off. Are we supposed to assume they're trustworthy since they have a child?

And, sure, I could make up a list of excuses for not being able to switch/take someone's shift but then my guilt will bother me.. stupid conscience.

And the pity party continues..

2009-10-28T22:22:00.003-04:00

Who knew TTC would screw with me so much? I was in Kohl's yesterday and stood outside of the baby section and pondered walking through and then thought "What's the point?" and almost started crying. In public.. not cool and not typical of me at all. Then in the grocery store today I stared at all of the delicious soy foods I used to consume daily but have stopped eating since I read that they can screw with your cycles since one of the ingredients mimics estrogen or something crazy like that. Then I thought "Who gives a crap, not eating them hasn't helped me get pregnant!" and grabbed a package of bbq riblets. Then I grumpily went about the rest of my shopping. I also watched one too many baby shows today even though each one made me cry more than the last. This whole thing has gotten out of control and I can't stop it. I know I need to admit there's a problem and get to a specialist and then see where we go from there. Maybe we'll adopt in a few years, which I'm totally okay with and even one day last week (after watching a particularly inspirational Adoption Story) I accepted it, well, at least I thought I did until the warm fuzzy feeling wore off and I was right back to the cranky "I hate my body" person I have turned into. Ugh.

Oh, and let me share what my body has been up to lately.. I thought AF was starting on CD 42 again, which is fine, but then it was pretty heavy for 2 days and went right to really light spotting for 3, totally not normal for me.. and now I've had ewcm off and on pretty much since then. AND I keep thinking I'm getting a uti but then the feeling goes away, so annoying!

It's freaking cold!

2009-10-13T23:34:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling very out of my element with all of this cold weather in October.. back home (where I was last week) it's 85 and super humid. And leaves don't really change color there either, so all of this change up here is so strange to me. And I have so much to say about my trip and being torn between my two worlds and how exhausted I've been and how I feel like all I do is work but.. I'm tired.. and the computer battery is getting low and I don't want to move from the couch to plug it in. So, perhaps tomorrow I'll share my random and useless thoughts with you all, if you're lucky.
:P

3 days.

2009-09-27T23:35:00.003-04:00

Until I fly home.. I wish I was excited and I'm not completely dreading it, so I guess what I feel is..nothing.

I'm trying to keep my flying anxiety in check so I don't spend the whole day on Thursday hoping I don't hurl into an air sickness bag.

I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that my grandmother still hasn't called me.

I'm trying not to picture myself visiting my sad, empty house that has been on the market since last November. I know I'll have a long cry about it when I'm there, we had so many plans and dreams for that house. The room that was supposed to be for our baby was right next to ours and I used to sit in there and plan how I would set it up, I had even picked a paint color and taped the sample chip on the wall. That house was where we were supposed to start our family, not a one bedroom apartment thousands of miles away from everyone we know.

I'm trying not to be too pathetic about the whole "thousands of miles away" thing because I know our lives take the path they were meant to take..but it doesn't make any of this less painful. I thought my life was finally going the way it was supposed to and then it totally changed.

I'm trying not to be too sad about being away from my dog and DH for six days (I was away from Dh for a month last year but at least I had my pup to keep me company!), I don't know how to function without Dh's stupid jokes and Brady's fuzzy butt getting in my way when I'm doing just about anything. But I know time apart is good for all of us.. *sigh*

I'm writing this blog instead of looking for a rental car, haha..

Just fabulous..

2009-09-22T23:50:00.002-04:00

So, pregnant co-worker decided she needed a "regular hours" job so she found one and essentially gave 3 days notice and guess who gets to go back to full-time hours to pick up the slack?? Me, yay. And I get to start it right now, this week, the week before I fly to Florida for 6 days. So, instead of having yesterday and today off AND one more day before I leave, I just had these two days and I believe I'll probably be working until the day I fly out, hopefully not because that will be 8 days in a row, but I don't know because the schedule hadn't been posted as of Sunday. Not knowing when my next day off is just makes me so super happy! Ugh, I'm just so bitchy today, I always have big plans for my days off and I never accomplish them and I think this cycle is looking anovulatory so...that's my excuse for being irritable. Oh, and September sucks because my cousin who was my best friend died on September 21, 1993 when his friends were playing with guns and accidentally shot him, or so we've been told, unfortunately we'll never know what really happened that day. Anyway, ever since then, bad things have happened in September. I'm sure there were numerous things that went wrong many years ago that I can't remember but more recently, there was September 11th..
Then in 2004, Hurricane Ivan hit my hometown and made it look like a war zone. I stayed with my grandparents in their very sturdy brick home and at about 2am when the hurricane was moving over us, I was convinced the house was going to blow apart. I'll never forget the look on Dh's face when he came to my grandparents house the afternoon after the storm had passed. He had driven over as soon as it was over (all the cell signals were jammed and real phone lines were destroyed) but my grandparents and I had driven across town to check on my parents so he had no idea if we were at the hospital or what..
But anyway, I really went off on a tangent today.. moral of the story is September sucks (and that is part of the reason I didn't fly home this month) and I'm bitchy. Have a nice day.

Fabulous...

2009-09-14T20:35:00.002-04:00

Co-worker is pregnant with her second child (first is only a year old).. WHY does she get two when I can't even have one? One of the other managers outed her today when she said we all should go out for drinks after inventory and SHE can have iced tea. Then I realized co-worker hadn't told me yet because she knows what's going on with me and I felt bad that she felt bad. And then I put my big girl face on and said "NO, don't worry about me, I'm happy for you!!!" Then I went to panera and bought a lemonade and a brownie and posted a vague, sad facebook status and wallowed in my misery before I had to suck it up and go back to work. Bleh..

I should eat a pear..but I want ice cream!

2009-09-12T21:49:00.002-04:00

I constantly battle with myself over what to eat. I always have healthy choices available and I know what it takes to eat healthfully because I used to be really good at it. I try not to keep junk food in the house but even if I think I don't have anything bad in the cabinet, I'll find something, anything, that isn't good for me and devour it. Last week I remembered a pack of hershey bars leftover from s'more making that I had stashed way up on the top shelf so I couldn't see them. But, no, just eating a chocolate bar wasn't enough, I dipped the stupid thing in peanut butter and made little hershey chocolate/peanut butter sandwiches. And it was delicious.
I'm in no way close to being obese or anything but I know as the years go on, my metabolism will slow and if these horrible eating habits keep up, I'll be shopping the plus size racks in no time. Now's a good time to mention that I just recently started eating some fish and chicken after being a vegetarian for 10 years. So, now I can take advantage of fast food establishments, something I used to never be able to do (except for the occasional trip to Burger King, they have a veggie burger..) and that is very very dangerous. They're just so darn convenient and tasty! Ugh.. maybe I'll go eat a peach.. and then some ice cream.. life is short, right? :)

I'm (almost) tired of being a bitch..

2009-09-11T23:29:00.002-04:00

I have been so grumpy lately. At work, I purposely didn't talk to a co-worker because I knew it would annoy her (and this was the one who had me work for her on my day off, oh, and her daughter is TEETHING, which would explain the fever, I don't have kids and I could have told her that!). And I'm still arguing on FB with Dh's friend, now it's gone to abortion and this may be very prejudiced of me but I have a big problem with guys taking harsh stances on something I view as a woman's subject. It's fine if they want to share their opinion but to basically be like "it's murder, no matter what, anyone who has an abortion is the devil!" is too much for me when the person saying it doesn't have a uterus and will never have to think about making that decision.
But I digress..back to my bitchiness..
I also basically want to beat Dh up a lot, I mean, I 'love smack' him pretty frequently when he's saying something dumb but now when I go to do that, I feel all angry and just want to keep punching him. Omg.. I'm a husband beater, lol! And I've been swearing a lot more and accidentally hurting myself more (maybe because I'm doing things with more vigor and less caution but I sliced my thumb open trying to open a box today then I somehow cut the side of my hand, no idea how, then I cut my other hand on the stupid cling wrap box, oh, and I rammed my head into the roof of my car when I was getting in it yesterday too..)
I don't know if it's the TTC stress or the stuff with my grandmother (who still hasn't called me but has resumed speaking to my mother) or just life in general but I've been literally pissed off for at least a couple of weeks now. I feel like I'm about to scream pretty much all day everyday. I did yoga today and was fine doing it but the screaming urges came back as soon as I was finished.. I just don't know what to do with myself, I can't stay this angry forever, at the very least, it's not good for my ovulation, haha.

Unexpected work is never fun..

2009-09-09T23:00:00.002-04:00

I took someone's shift for Sunday so that she could hang with her husband on his birthday (and apparently didn't think to request it off in the first place..) and in return, she took my shift for today.. WELL, around 11:50 I got a call and her daughter had a 'fever' and she needed to take her to the 'doctor' so could I please work today? UGH! And she kept asking if that was okay..what was I supposed to say to that? "NO, it's not, I was planning on sitting my pjs and watching all of my dvr-ed late night shows, very important stuff! So, no, I can't work for you so you can take your daughter to the doctor, if that is, in fact, what you are doing!" I don't think retail management is the place for parents to work if they don't have enough of a support system to look after their kids when things happen. And there's no way for her to take another one of my shifts this week, convenient for her, no?
Work wasn't terrible though, even the person who usually annoys me didn't bother me today.. and I realized I'm getting old because I was working with a couple of our high school age kids tonight and instead of thinking "These are cool girls, I wish I could hang out with them." I thought "When I have kids, I hope they turn out like them." How weird! Luckily, I didn't say it aloud because I think that would have been even weirder..

Vote for Brady!

2009-09-09T22:34:00.001-04:00

There's probably about a 1 in a trillion chance of actually winning one of these things but vote anyway! (You have to register to vote but all you have to do is enter an email and a password)

http://www.cutestdogcompetition.com/vote.cfm?h=D98B706E9FF79C00371D3756035ACDCB

What do I need to do? Back flips???

2009-09-09T00:32:00.002-04:00

So, I'm trying to research things to do differently this cycle to increase my bfp chances (even though I'll probably be in Florida when I O..and Dh will be here, great.) and everything I've found are things that I was doing months ago before I realized it could be a good while before I actually am pg and I just don't want to deprive myself of some of my favorite things while I wait for this bfp that may never come. Plus, tons of people get pg everyday without intending to..so obviously, none of these 'changes' are absolutely essential to having a baby. Ugh, I just wish I could take a magic pill or go purchase a pregnancy like I purchase a new handbag, haha.. I have lots more thoughts on this but I'm tired and have had a stupid headache all day so maybe I should go to bed now..

If you want AF to show, wear white!

2009-09-06T20:29:00.003-04:00

That has never been true for me but today it was.. I was trying very very hard not to get my hopes up about this cycle and I didn't *feel* like I had my hopes up but Af showing hit me like a ton of bricks today..and it happened at work to make everything that much more *awesome.* I held it together though even when the other manager was all concerned about merchandising and was asking my opinion and I just wanted to scream "IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE MY PERIOD STARTED!!!!!" Then the day ended, I got in my car, and proceeded to cry the whole 10 minute drive home, got it together only to lose it again when I walked in the door and Dh asked me what was wrong. TTC has turned me into a whiney/crying/pathetic mess and I don't like it! So, excuse me if my funk lasts a little longer than I planned.. on to the next roller coaster cycle where I hope and pray it's normal and if God feels like I've been extra good, maybe he'll throw a bfp my way.

There's no reasoning with preacher's sons, is there?

2009-09-05T20:06:00.003-04:00

Currently, I'm in a debate on facebook (I know, how stupid) with one of Dh's friends, who I like very much but who just happens to be a religious nut (he's 26 and still holding out for marriage, honorable or weird? You decide.) Anyway, the debate began with universal healthcare, went to abortion, and now has become about sex education. He feels that my suggestion of teaching 'proper sex education' instead of abstinence only is socialism. WHAT? Ugh, I was so over it and then he posted that comment and I just told him off in the nicest way I possibly could without calling him a fucking idiot with homo-erotic tendencies. (Calling him anything with gay connotations will really fire him up, since that's SO horrible, lol) And Dh tried to make a joke in the thread which just pissed me off because he's always joking, can't we talk about real issues for once? So he just got told off too.. it doesn't help I'm on my third beer either.. Anyway, am stepping away from facebook for a few days until I can laugh at all of this..

Oh, and I caved and took a pg test this morning.. and since I'm on my third drink, you can guess what the result was.. so now I wait for Af, I have lots of NOT pg symptoms too.. :(

Sleep is for the weak..

2009-09-01T23:41:00.003-04:00

I just looked at a really cute diaper bag, it's stylish and doesn't look like a diaper bag... I loved it and then I started crying about it, how ridiculous.. I promise, my pity party will be over soon.. am going to bed now because I am weak..

And now it's time for my ttc obsessive blog entry of the week..

2009-09-01T13:19:00.002-04:00

I believe I o'ed around 11 days ago, had lots of pms symptoms last week (bitchiness/mild cramps/back pain/fatigue) and now they've all gone except for the back pain and with my years of retail work in cute but not exactly supportive shoes, back pain is not an uncommon occurence for me. Oh, and I've been eating everything in the house (also not uncommon, lol). And since I have zero ability to remember things I've read, I couldn't exactly remember how long a normal luteal phase is so I googled..and apparently it can be from 12 to 16 days, ugh! I was hoping for more like 12 to 14 so then I'd know to expect Af soon. Also, I was a moron and took a test a few days ago, knowing that even if by some miracle I was pg, it would be too early for a bfp, just felt like poas which has become a hobby of mine, whether it's an opk or pg test, I just like playing in my pee, lol, that's gross, sorry. So, here I sit, with no NOT pregnant symptoms to interpret like last time, how boring.. this game is not fun anymore and I want to quit but can't find the courage to do it.

Oh, and I had a weird dream last night that Dh and I were *ahem* getting busy and I realized he was wearing a condom and I was *pissed* because instead of discussing with me the fact that he didn't want to ttc right then, he just took it upon himself to wear protection. And in real life, I have no reason to even think Dh doesn't want to ttc (he even sat and watched a whole Baby Story with me last night) so I have no idea where the dream came from.

You have to plug the toaster in for it to work, genius..

2009-09-01T12:46:00.002-04:00

Often, on my drive home from work, I think of brilliant blog topics then I promptly forget them as soon as I get home..

I do remember one topic though, because the thought occurs to me every time I drive on the highway (I didn't call it the 'interstate' because I got laughed at for a good 15 minutes for saying that at work last week.. ) New Hampshire drivers in Mass. are the equivalent of Alabama drivers in Florida. Now, no offense to anyone who lives in Alabama that reads this because I'm sure you aren't like that, mainly because you're young enough to know how to turn on your computer. But, in Florida, 98% of the time that I was stuck behind a slow moving line of traffic, the problem was an Alabama driver. It was a running joke with everyone I knew because we all had the same experiences. Now, every time I'm driving and have to pass/get stuck behind someone, they have New Hampshire plates. And, seriously, WHY in the hell do you get on the highway to drive 50? Oh, and they aren't just in the right hand lane either.. they think they're allowed to drive in any lane they please, it's infuriating. And, unlike the Alabama drivers, they aren't always old and driving Buicks, most of the time they're in SUVs and talking on a cell phone. Also, I've heard that you're more likely to get into an accident if you're driving slow and a slow driver almost got me into an accident the other day. As I was trying to pass a slow mover, another car two lanes over was doing the same thing and almost ran right into me since we started switching lanes at the same time, all because some moron didn't know how to talk and press the gas pedal at the same time! I'm pissed off just thinking about it! Get in your car and DRIVE people, it's not a freakin' parade!

So, it's back to this not sleeping thing again..

2009-08-26T22:56:00.002-04:00

Some recent events have granted me insomniac status yet again, I was awake for the first announcements that Sen. Kennedy had passed and that certainly didn't help me sleep again, so sad. I'm going to c/p my post to my fellow Boston nest ladies about my grandmother, I call it my "rude awakening" because even after you know people for 26 years, you still don't really "know" them:

My grandmother called me yesterday and is all upset and overwhelmed because my grandfather has cancer and has been going through surgeries and chemo for the past few months and she's been basically completely dependent on him since they got married 55 years ago. So, now she's having to be in charge but she has no shortage of family to help (they live in my hometown). Well, a recent event makes it quite possible that my grandparents will be driving 6 hours alone to have my grandfather's feeding tube fixed since it's started to fall out. My grandfather is by no means comatose or anything and my grandmother is perfectly healthy so this is not an unreasonable thing for them to do. WELL, on the phone call, my grandmother starts out b!tching about my mom which is fine, sometimes we need to vent, but then she starts saying that they're going to have to have their 3 perfectly healthy dogs put down because they can't take them on the trip and they have no one to keep them and they're going to have to make several more trips to the cancer center before my grandfather is better. So, I started out explaining that my mom would watch them (it's the trip that she can't go on) or they could board them, etc.. but there was no talking my grandmother down, she kept going on and on and I finally was yelling at her, telling her she's ridiculous, etc, and she finally says "I didn't mean to upset you and I love you, but I won't be calling you ANYMORE."

Seriously?!? I've always been close to my grandparents and we've been through a lot together, she's going to just write me off for arguing with her one time? AND, her dogs are like her children and her first thought when it comes to what to do with them is to kill them? She's obviously off her rocker and has had a nervous breakdown once before.. But I just feel like I've seen a side of her I never knew was there and she has totally fallen off the pedestal that I had her on for so long and it hurts. Grandparents are supposed to be wise and patient and compassionate which mine were, up until yesterday.

And the dogs are fine, my grandmother loves her dogs more than anything and I don't honestly believe she would do anything to harm them. I called my mom and she also assured me that my grandfather wouldn't let my grandmother even try to have them put down.. and I called my grandmother's niece and she went to visit yesterday and my mom did as well. I just wish I was there to help too. And I feel bad for my poor grandfather who just needs to rest and instead he gets to deal with lunatic woman, ugh..

So, this has been what I think is my first big 'adult' rude awakening, apparently the world's not made of lollipops and cotton candy!

(And what is keeping my parents from going with my grandparents on their trip is my stepdad's brother in law's funeral in Texas and my brother just started the new school year, so my mom has to stay home with him, good reason, right? Well, apparently, it wasn't good enough for my grandmother.. PLUS my parents have already made plans to go with them when my grandfather has his big tumor-removing surgery in a couple of months and they'll be there for at least 8 days)

Also, I found out that one of my friends from high school died yesterday, we hadn't kept in touch but it's still sad that he's not out there living his life anymore.

AND, to update my TTC status, I get a total FAIL for temping this month, I just couldn't get back into taking it around the same time and so they were all over the place and I had a temp spike (no ewcm though) and CH's for almost a week before they went away so that was really discouraging and then I had ewcm for about 3 days last week, so I'm hoping that I actually O'ed (I had an epic fail with the opks!) because I had sporadic ewcm last cycle so I think it was anovulatory. BUT, this cycle I had lots of creamy (which was weird for me) and then those 3 days of ew and then nothing since then. So, fingers crossed, AF will show in the next couple of weeks (at this point, if I get a bfp, great, but having Af and a normal cycle would be almost as awesome), I'm almost.. almost sick of this whole TTC game and am thisclose to giving up and just letting what happens happen, we can always adopt in a few years..

Well, someone has to set a bad example!

2009-08-23T23:09:00.002-04:00

Nearly every day I think to myself "Self, today, we're going to eat nothing but healthful things, stay away from any baked goods that may cross our path, we'll find time to do yoga, we'll take the dog on longer walks and we'll like it!" But, then I get a craving for funfetti cupcakes and I buy the mix, manage to not make them for a few days but ultimately give in and make the whole box of them..So, now I have a dozen funfetti cupcakes plus an 8" round cake (because I only have one cupcake pan and zero patience). BUT, I made the cupcakes yesterday so now I have 5 cupcakes and 3/4 of the cake left. I ate four.. FOUR cupcakes today! I couldn't help myself, they're sitting there looking all delicious on my cake plate and my brain keeps telling me that they're going to go bad and I don't want to waste my beatiful cupcake frosting/sprinkling work. I should have made them when I was going to be working the next day so I could have shoved most of them off on my co-workers. But, I didn't.. and I ate four cupcakes in one day, plus a muffin, plus lunch at Longhorn, bbq chex mix, banana chips, and apple cinnamon cheerios with strawberries on top.

Oh, and an orange.

I heart QVC

2009-08-09T23:40:00.003-04:00

I blame my mother for always watching that silly channel and sucking me into that world early on. To this day, it doesn't feel like the Christmas season to me until I watch QVC gift shows. And I rarely order anything which is the beauty of tv shopping, I can ooh and ahh over all the things they present and think that I absolutely must have them (and those hosts are great at making me think I *need* pretty much everything I see, last year I was convinced I needed to order an outdoor Christmas light outlet with a timer even though I had no plans to put up outdoor lights nor did I have a big enough yard to require a portable outlet). BUT, the best part is that by the time I get up and get my credit card out of my wallet, I realize I probably don't really need the item. Also, it's easy to decide to order the item later and then I'll usually forget about it by the time later comes. Oh, and don't let this Christmas season talk fool you, QVC has become a year-round staple in my world, I even dvr-ed their Dooney & Bourke show today. And yes, I could have easily looked at the bags on their website but I enjoy having them presented to me, like I have personal shoppers, haha.
But now that has convinced me that I need a new bag for the fall..and just any old bag won't do. I was at the mall earlier today and found a super cute burgundy domed bag with studs for $24.99 at Filene's, I picked it up and carried it around, trying to decide if I wanted to adopt it. Well, then, a yellow nine west fold-over bag caught my eye, it was so shiny and smooth that it made the little burgundy bag look like something from Wal-mart so I put that one back and modeled the yellow bag for a few minutes (and it was only $39.99!). By this point, Dh had made his purchase and was ready to leave and so I put the yellow bag back and decided to think about it while we did the rest of our shopping. While I was wandering about the mall, something crazy happened.. I walked right into the Coach store! I never go in there mainly because I'm not a huge Coach fan (I'm more of a Dooney & Bourke girl) but their bags were so shiny and tempting, they sucked me right in and I immediately found a super cute little green bag (and it was only $198! Cheap by Coach standards!) I modeled it around and tried to ignore the salesgirls encouragement.. and I managed to put it back and leave to find Dh, only problem was now the cute nine west bag looked like a Wal-mart special.. so I left without any new bags.
After I got home, I realized I've been using the same Dooney bag (off and on, obviously..) for at least 3 years and I brought this to Dh's attention and he, being the savvy financial professional that he is, pointed out that a bag could be an investment, either I could get 6 cheap ones or one really nice one. (And my love for him overflowed at that moment.. lol) So, I started looking at Dooney bags online and one nice one led to another which led to another..and now I'm looking at spending around 450 dollars on a bag which I know is ridiculous and I have to stop myself..but it's so pretty and awesome.. look:

Oh, I was writing a blog..

2009-08-06T22:55:00.002-04:00

I have been so scatter brained these past two days, it's amazing I've gotten anything done..but I have and it feels awesome!! I made myself stay offline during the day (and yesterday I didn't even watch tv!) and that gave me more time to clean/run errands/cook yummy stuff. It's crazy how much time I can spend on here and not even realize it. For instance, as of right now, I've been on for about 2.5 hours and it feels like it's been 30 minutes even though I've researched hotels near the hospital where my grandfather is having his tumor removed (hopefully in a couple of months, if the chemo does it's job!) and I've looked for flights for my trip home in October (although my fabulous Dh is going to use a credit he has and book one for me tomorrow!) and I've ordered an awesome id tag for the doggy (his current one is fading fast) AND I've caught up with my fabulous nesties..more and more people are getting their BFPs everyday, very exciting for them, sad for me as I get left behind *sniff sniff*

BUT (and please excuse my hyperactive use of caps, parentheses, and exclamation points, I have tons of energy right now for no good reason at all), getting AF on my own this past cycle has helped to pull me out of my funk and I've been terrible at charting this cycle (shouldn't have taken that week of AF off..), all of my days except one have open circles but I'm so not stressed about it, I have tons of opks to use once I start seeing ewcm anyway (and I *will* see it, I have faith!)
In the meantime, I'm finding exciting things to do for myself.. first up on the agenda: taking a trapeze class or at least going for one swing on it to see if I'm up for a whole routine. Dh and I saw one at a place one weekend and I flipped out but had just eaten and didn't want to show everyone what I had so I didn't try it. But the other day I remembered it and thought "Why the hell not, I'm off this weekend, I'm going back to do it!!" And I may not make it there this weekend..but I will make it there..oh yes I will... and I will probably fall flat on my face..haha.

I'm happy and sad at the same time..am I crazy?

2009-08-01T00:49:00.003-04:00

I often feel those two emotions simultaneously and I certainly can't be the only person like this..

Right now, for instance, I'm sad that I'm not in Florida so I can help my grandparents but I'm happy that I don't have to see my grandfather hooked up to feeding tubes and chemo pumps. I want to go home for a visit in the next couple of months but I keep putting off buying my plane ticket or setting a date which makes me feel like maybe subconsciously I don't want to go. In the past, my tardiness to something has been a good indication of my dislike for whatever it is I'm going to, I don't show up late on purpose, it just seems to happen. So, maybe this procrastination with plane ticket buying directly relates to my tardiness..I don't know, I'm too tired to think anymore.

Too much to say, not enough time..

2009-07-29T23:09:00.002-04:00

I have barely had time to breathe since I started working again. I told myself I wouldn't become a workaholic (again) and wouldn't go back to working 40 hours..but I did and I already feel like I live at work (again). But, today my boss asked if I'd rather work the 32 hours she originally offered me and I made the workaholic voices in my head shut up and said "Yes, please!" I'm just so competitive at *everything* and already at this new job, I'm trying hard to be the best and the brightest but really, it doesn't matter, I don't even really want a career in retail, but I don't really know where I want a career.. I like this job but I was already starting to feel exhausted and burnt out from being there so much. It would be one thing if it were a job where I sat down and did office type things but with my line of work, I go non-stop for the entire 8 hours I'm there. I'm on my feet, running all over the store, helping customers, fixing register issues, delegating stuff to associates, merchandising, etc, etc, etc..

Anyway, I could go on and on but I have to sleep soon. SO, my not pregnant signs were really NOT pregnant signs.. AF showed up a few days ago and I'm so happy that I can hold off on taking the bcp for another cycle, hopefully this next cycle will be normal! No, not normal..hopefully this next cycle will end in a BFP!

TTC is driving me crazy!

2009-07-19T23:39:00.002-04:00

I'm generally a pretty logical person (although my Dh thinks otherwise!) and when I started this blog I decided I would try to write about interesting things and not blabber on about myself constantly. WELL, every time I try to come up with something to write about, all I can think about is TTC.. it's taken over my brain and I've tried to vent about it on here (and to my fabulous fellow nesties!) so I don't talk about it with every freaking person I meet. Yesterday I found myself discussing our TTC path with a co-worker that I haven't even been working with for a week yet! (Granted, she *did* ask me when we were planning to have children and she already has a child and for whatever reason I felt like sharing my story that day..) And today at work, there was a grandma walking around pushing a crying newborn-ish baby in a stroller and I wanted to go see it but instead my legs sent me in the opposite direction and I felt a (BIG) twinge of sadness. Luckily, I had all the clothing in our backroom to distract me.
And it doesn't help that I once again have crosshairs on my chart (although I still think it's possible that I o'ed right around the time I was sick and just didn't catch it since I missed a couple of temps).. and I've been having weird things going on with my body and the logical part of me knows they aren't pregnancy signs but the whacked out baby crazy part of me thinks it's possible. Google doesn't help either, apparently ANYTHING could be a sign of pregnancy! So, to help me debunk the almighty google...

Here's my list of NOT pregnant signs that I've been having lately:

1. Back pain: could be pregnancy, could be all the standing I've been doing for work
2. Sharp twinges (kind of cramps) on both sides of body: probably random cramps that mean nothing
3. Leg cramps: (I never get these but one made me leap out of bed in the middle of the night last night, then I had a good laugh thinking about how crazy I probably looked!) Also, had leg cramping tonight. Probably a fluke or I didn't have enough potassium for whatever reason, ate a banana tonight and cramps went away. Although I did have a banana last night before my leaping out of bed like an idiot episode. Probably still just a fluke.
4. Metallic taste in my mouth last night and tonight: Google said it could be pregnancy or gingivitis.. probably gingivitis.
5. More tired than usual at night: Probably just from working.
6. Lots of weird dreams: REALLY weird dreams last night (which was listed as a sign of pregnancy on one site I went on, haha). They're probably just a symptom of my impending insanity though..

Those are all of the not pregnant signs I can think of right now although I'm sure as soon as I finish this, I'll pee and it will look funny and I will think it's a pregnancy sign and then I'll trip and think it could mean I'm pregnant... I'm so sick of the word pregnant now, ugh!

Forgive me, blogland..

2009-07-17T21:30:00.003-04:00

I haven't felt much like blogging recently as I've been working my ass off at the new store. Everything is almost total chaos right now as we train associates and re-organize merchandise, I don't even know what my schedule is for next week which stresses me out but I'm trying *really* hard to be patient about it all..
And I'm feeling a whole lot of discouragement about the ttc thing. My random 6 days of spotting turned out be neither ovulation related nor implantation related as my temp dropped and I have now had two days of ewcm, all excitement that came with the first day of having it has dissipated. (My chart is here if you care to look: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/26f39d) Now I just feel like my body is screwing with me.. I finally sucked it up and had sex last night for the first time since my uti, I think I felt safer since I started taking cranberry supplements yesterday. So, I'd like to be excited and think that it might be O-time soon and I possibly had sex at a very good time but I'm sure it's just nothing, like it always is. I'll give it another few days and then I'll probably start the birth control pills..
I couldn't even bear to watch A Baby Story today and you know I'm feeling pretty crappy if I can't watch that!
These past few days I've just felt like all my worries are weighing me down (usually I'm good at hiding them from myself so they don't bother me constantly), I've been really bummed about my grandpa and about our house and my whacked out body and I just can't seem to shake them. I'm sure this is a passing phase, and hopefully soon I'll feel motivated and positive again, like I usually do..

I really wish our bodies came with a personalized owners manual..

2009-07-10T21:15:00.004-04:00

We could be born with it and it would explain what every single thing that happens means in our bodies.
And now some much-needed venting about *my* body..
My temp has been up for the past two days and I don't know if it's because of my antibiotics, I hope not.
AND I started spotting today, so is it ovulation spotting? Not likely since I haven't had ewcm in a few days and my temp is already up. Could it be implantation..? I'm sure it's not cause that's just not my luck but I hate knowing that it could be that. And no matter how many times I tell myself not to get my hopes up, myself still does, I think it needs to be grounded for all of this rebelling it's doing lately.
This is all I could think about today while I tried to focus on getting our store set up, ugh!

Internet, you waste too much of my time!!

2009-07-09T22:52:00.002-04:00

I should be folding towels and going to sleep but I felt like a blog update since a lot went down yesterday and I was too busy with a migraine to write about it. I'll try to summarize..

My Wednesday
9am: Doctors appointment to get blood work/ultrasound results, office is running behind, lots of pregnant people (and teens!) in waiting room, luckily I'm too nauseous from my antibiotics to care.

9:45am: Finally get to talk to doctor, results are all normal, she says it may be too early to try clomid and I agree, she suggests putting me on bcps for 3 months to give my system a break, I hold back the tears only until I get out of the office and call Dh.. then I lose it, taking a random 3 month break from ttc was NOT in the plan!

10:00am: Rush to new job location to finish training with other members of management

11:00am-5:00pm: Training with associates, getting to know everyone's personalities, I think we'll all get along great. I am so totally distracted by ttc thoughts that I can't be excited about this new venture.

6:00pm: In horrible mood and can't get out of it, doesn't help that my head is killing me, I snap at Dh more than once and then when I apologize, I burst into tears.

10:00pm: Decide to hold off on starting bcps until I see if this cycle is normal which will be in another couple of weeks, feel 10 times better.

11:30pm: Finally go to bed.

And today, I felt a lot better, the only people at work today were the new managers and some people from corporate so we had a lot of fun and I felt excited about the store as I should, I've always wanted to help with a store opening but it never panned out in my last job. I had tons of energy when I got home (it helped that I had more caffeine today than I've had all week, between the uti and the nausea, I haven't felt like downing my two cups of coffee, and today I only had 1/2 of one and a bottled frappuccino and I was running around like a crazy person) and I made Dh do laundry and I got to do a few of the cleaning things I wanted done before MIL comes to visit. So, I'm feeling a little less overwhelmed overall.. and now I'm exhausted and need to go to bed, goodnight internet world!

I plan to rip out my entire uterus/bladder...everything!

2009-07-06T05:50:00.002-04:00

I have been up all night with a UTI that hit me like a ton of bricks *right* before I went to bed around 2am. I noticed I had been peeing a lot for most of the afternoon but sometimes I drink tons of water without realizing it so I figured that must be the problem. I mean, I haven't had a UTI in at least 4 years or so, after having a particularly nasty one I started taking more steps to prevent getting another. So, since 2am I've been drinking tons of water, I took painkillers, I even drank baking soda mixed with my water and I've gotten exactly 1 hour of sleep. Of course we don't have any 24 hour pharmacies around here or I would have been strolling in one at 2:15 am for some anagelsic. The closest one doesn't open until 8 so I'm trying to remain calm and not rip my urethra out. And I'm praying my doctor can get me in today. I am miserable and had blood in my urine (sorry if it's tmi) and that's freaking me out. The most fabulous part of all of this is I have a freakin' doctors appointment on WEDNESDAY to discuss my test results and right after I have to start my new job. I don't have time for this! Why couldn't this have happened during all those long months where I sat around and had no obligations whatsoever?!? And I've been so good about taking steps to prevent these things.. I drink tons of water, I stopped wearing thongs, I pee right after sex.. where did I go wrong? Now I'm going to start taking cranberry supplements too and continue to take them *forever.* UGH!

I can't sleep these days...

2009-07-02T00:53:00.002-04:00

Perhaps I should get off of the internet before 1am, then maybe I won't be all stimulated when I try to get to sleep..haha, that sounded dirty..
ANYWAY.. I miss my house, I have since we moved here.. Dh and I cried when we drove away from it, we had so many plans for that place. Occasionally (like tonight) I come across pics of it and I long to be there again. And if I'm not longing to be there, I'm thinking about it at least once every single day (and we've lived here for 6 months now). When I had my giant dramatic meltdown a couple of weeks ago, Dh offered to start looking into moving back if I'm so miserable here. But I'm not miserable and I think this is important, for us to be completely on our own. And somedays it blows my mind to think about how far away we've moved and I think this was a great idea. But, when we bought the house a year ago, I thought *that* was a great idea. It was in an (what we thought) up and coming neighborhood, it was near the beach, it was close to tons of stuff and we thought we got a great price and could start our family there and then move on once we outgrew it, and the market would be up by then and we'd get good money for it and go buy a nicer place. It was going to be the jumping off point of our awesome life. And then a few months later everything changed and now we're back in a rented apartment (that's really nice but it's still just an apartment) and in no position to buy another house any time soon. Yet we're still chugging along on the baby train and I guess I just feel unstable now. And honestly, I was dying to move away from my hometown for basically my entire life and caught a glimpse of how exciting things could be when I went away to college. But, after buying the house I had accepted the fact that I was choosing to stay there and was ready to start our family and glad to be doing it so close to all of our family. And it's not like we were forced to move, it was a mutual decision, but everyday I randomly get a flash of us moving back into our house and realize that it would make me SO happy. But, then I think I'm not giving this place enough time, I mean, I lived in Florida for 25 years, surely 6 months isn't enough time to adjust to living in a completely different place..
And I miss the winter, at least the snow was something that distracted me from my pity party..

I hope everyone experiences the devotion of a dog in their lifetime...

2009-07-02T00:03:00.003-04:00

I happened upon this on another blog and I love it, so here it is:

He has told me more than a thousand times over that I am his reason for being -- by the way he rests against my leg, by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile, by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him. (I think it makes him sick with worry when he is not along to care for me).

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.

When I am angry he clowns to make me smile.

When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.

When I am a fool, he ignores it. When I succeed, he brags. Without him, I am only another person. With him, I am all powerful.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion is loyalty itself. With him, I know the secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant. His head on my knee can heal my human hurts. His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.

He has promised to wait for me ... whenever ... wherever ... in case I need him, and I expect I will, as I always have.

Who is he? -- He's just MY DOG!

- Author Unknown

Aw, doesn't that warm your heart?

And my little doggy sniffed me out tonight, he had already gone to bed with Dh and I grabbed some cantaloupe out of the fridge (did it while the air was on so it would hopefully drown out the noise) and started snacking away when I heard a scratch at the bedroom door, he must have smelled it or something cause he was demanding to come out! I opened the door and hid my cantaloupe and he went charging right to the desk, where the open cantaloupe container was sitting and then he proceeded to stare me down until I gave him a piece, haha.

I think I'll sleep with an electric blanket tonight..

2009-06-30T23:24:00.003-04:00

So my temps can be higher just to make myself feel better! Had more ewcm today and my temp has slowly risen by one-tenth the past three days but I don't think it's enough to prove I o'ed. Was going to buy some opks yesterday but got lazy (I was at wal-mart and I *hate* wal-mart) and didn't go find any. Oh, I know, I need to go buy more pnvs tomorrow so I'll grab some opks while I'm at walgreens, score! I just reallllly hope this isn't turning out to be another anovulatory cycle, I really don't want to have to take more meds or do more testing and I think we need to be pg like NOW cause I'm tired of all this waiting.. ugh, and I'm sorry my past two blogs have been blah, I'll go try to think of something interesting to post about..

My fellow ttc'ers will appreciate this...

2009-06-27T16:05:00.004-04:00

I had ewcm for the first time since I started charting (and knowing what ewcm is) today!!! Right before I took a shower I noticed it and was so excited, I don't even remember taking my shower! I then made some green tea just in case that really helps and then after pondering not telling Dh because I thought that might be something he would rather not know until later, I blurted it out. I couldn't contain myself, haha. He was like "oh, no pressure.. thanks.." lol, anyway, I needed somewhere to vent my good news! :)

Tonight I have insomnia..

2009-06-27T00:43:00.001-04:00

Not really insomnia, just a strong desire to not leave this chair and go to bed. I got my hair cut today, 4 inches gone with the chop of the scissors, made me happy to be free from the excess I felt was weighing me down. Now if I could just chop the excess off of my life like that, ha.
For some reason on my way home, I started pondering the fact that I've gained probably close to 10 pounds since I moved here, I could be exaggerating because I don't own a scale and the person at the doctors office did my weight so fast, I failed to see what number she stopped on. So, it more realistically could be around 5 pounds since I have still been able to fit into my clothes, although they are tighter but luckily most of my pants have stretch and I was in a loose fitting shirt phase last year. BUT, I realized that I'm okay with the excess weight on my body, I could easily buckle down and lose it but I've chosen not to. (I eat healthy things, I guess I've just been eating more not as healthy things since I've been home a lot..) My boobs are bigger and that alone has been reason enough not to cut out my too-frequent ice cream habit. Sure, I don't prance around in a bikini like I once did but I don't think I'm missing out on anything by not lounging by the apartment pool. It is a very nice pool though and I have been working on finding a flattering swimsuit so that I may lay by it if I so choose. And if I don't, I won't feel short-changed because today I came home, put on my shortest pair of pajama shorts and enjoyed the fact that 10 pounds heavier or not, my husband would still be excited to see me in them. Then I had pizza for dinner and made chocolate chip cookies for dessert and didn't feel guilty one bit. ;)

So, I had to work today..

2009-06-19T21:35:00.000-04:00

I'm enjoying this new job, since our store isn't open yet, I've been training in another store.. so far I've trained 3 days (4 hour shifts) in 2 weeks and I'm scheduled for a 2 hour shift next week to train on closing. It's a LOT different than my last job, where I frequently threatened to set up a bed in the backroom and just sleep there too.

OH, and my GPS lost it's mind today. I pretty much knew where I was going but wanted the GPS on anyway cause I was driving on the interstate where I tend to space out and miss my exits. The stupid thing kept telling me to take a right here, a left there, make a U-turn while intermittently going "calculating..." I seriously thought it was going to explode! I'm thinking maybe it was the crappy weather screwing with it's satellite signal, hopefully, I *need* my GPS, especially here where the roads are nuts and you can't get back to where you came from by going the way you came. (Route 1, who's the genius that decided to put a giant guard rail down the middle of the entire stupid thing?) And what's with all the freakin' rotaries?!?

The Red Sox are on and I'm really sleepy..

2009-06-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

Every time they're on lately I end up getting really sleepy and falling asleep on the couch.. last night I fell asleep practically sitting up..like my grandpa. And right now they're in a rain delay and I brought the computer over to sit on the couch with Dh cause I felt guilty he was all alone over here and now I feel like I could fall asleep while I'm typing. (and I slept about 11 hours last night so exhaustion clearly is not a factor..)

In other news, I have always hated snoring, this stems from vacations with family members who snore and keep me up when we're sharing hotel rooms. Seriously people, snoring like that is a medical issue, see someone! BUT, my little doggy snores like an old man and I think it's the cutest thing ever. Moral of this story: if you're fuzzy and have a cute face, you may snore. If not, get some help or you risk waking up to me smothering you with a freakin' pillow!

Also today on My Amazing Life: I went to have blood taken for thyroid testing and various other hormones related to why the crap my body is not being pregnant. And I was a big girl..and didn't cry and didn't make Dh come hold my hand like I did last year (but I was *really* sick then and exhausted from all the sickness!) I did text him after requesting a prize but he didn't deliver.. that's okay, he got told and I suspect there will be a prize the next time that I request one!

And then I got home and called my grandpa, who just had a feeding tube put in before he starts chemo..I was very apprehensive because I heard he was in a bit of pain after the procedure but he was his usual joking self which I guess is about the only way to get through this stuff. Why does shit like this happen to awesome people? My grandpa is a war veteran who served his country and then went on to work for many more years to create a nice life for his family. He's always been patient and kind and with his constant positive influence in my life, I escaped any daddy issues I could have had with my parents messy divorce. He and my grandmother have always lived healthy lives and they are the last two people I would ever expect to get cancer. The first couple of days after he was diagnosed, I couldn't even talk about him without crying and even now, over a month later, I cry thinking about that big strong guy I know being weak. I feel guilty that I'm not there to help them but I am also thankful that I'm not there to see it all. I just pray that the chemo works and then surgery can remove the rest and we can all move past this, I can't imagine having children who have never met my grandpa.

And with that depressing note, I'll shut up.. this blog has rambled on for too long..

Gloomy weather depresses me

2009-06-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

Seriously..if it's crappy for more than one day in a row, I get pretty sad..maybe I'm used to the non-stop sunshine in Florida (and the sun reflecting off the white sand makes for extra brightness). But it's been more gloomy than sunny here in Mass for weeks now! And Dh and I are going to the Red Sox game on Sunday. I was so looking forward to this game because the last one we went to (In April) was on a cold day and surely the game in June would be on a warm/sunny day! NOT, the high is supposed to be 59 and it always feels colder in Fenway to me. I'm so bummed and don't even want to go now but have to cause it's too late for Dh to get rid of the ticket (his sis and her roomie are coming too, so he wouldn't be alone..) I just *hate* being cold and I fell on some ice during the winter and since then, my ass hurts when I sit on hard surfaces which I didn't realize until the last game when I sat down on my chair and went "Ow!" (and then had to sit kind of sideways for 3.5 hours..which then made my back hurt..) So, maybe I'll pop a couple of pain pills and wear my parka (and hope we don't have a flamer sitting behind us singing the whole game, seriously, I have no problem with gay people, I have lots of gay friends, and yay for gay marriage but we don't enjoy hearing you talk about musicals and sing while we're at a freakin' baseball game!) Rant over.

I feel like I've been duped..

2009-06-17T10:41:00.001-04:00

This is so not what I expected being a 20-something would be like. I thought by now I'd have an awesome career, meaningful friendships (with people who actually live near me!), some world travel under my belt, and a degree. Instead I have a new job that I'll probably enjoy but isn't exactly fulfilling, one good friend who lives on the other side of the world, a husband, and a pretty blah life thousands of miles away from my family. I was working on the degree thing but am having a difficult time getting info out of the school I want to attend. And I kick myself everyday for not forcing myself to stay in college. Overall, I feel like a pretty big dumbass.

And I know I have tons of blessings and I live much more comfortably than a lot of people my age, just some days I throw a pity party for myself (mainly when I'm pmsing, which is right now..stupid hormones).

The brightest spot in my life right now has to be my dog, cheesy as this sounds, he makes me so happy no matter what's going on. He was very challenging when he was a puppy, we had lots of late nights/early mornings, and he constantly tried to eat every single toy we gave him. Oh, and the hyperactivity was something for the record books! But now that he's two, he's calmer and trained and he does something new to make me laugh everyday. I was trying to think of a word to describe owning a dog earlier and the best I could come up with was "rewarding." We joke about how stupid we are to pay all this money to pick up poop but it's amazing what a fuzzy 30 pound dog can do, it's a lot more than all the money we spend on him and all the poop we have to pick up.

Because I just don't have enough ways to waste my time..

2009-06-17T09:58:00.000-04:00

and because my brain runs at about 90 miles an hour 24/7.

and because some days I feel like my life is a cul-de-sac.

and because no one I know in real life is going through the same things I've been going through.

This is why I started a blog today..